I can write an entire post on this subject. But I believe it’s pretty much self-explanatory.
It was in the heart of New York City
I lost my mind
And yet to find
The contract I signed
I’ve the southern hospitality
Of a country land
Living closely with grace from dignity’s hand
Out in the distance
I keep an eye on misery’s demand
For memories like pistons
Revolutionize on commands
Place your finger on the gun
Fight for your right
And for your purpose by the sun
The last days can be for living
But when death knocks on the door
Are you willing To be forgiving?
Where to start out? I know this guy for years over xanga. He’s old school, highly intelligent and just like the rest of us on xanga, sexually frustrated (for whatever reason since everyone has a reason, whether good or bad, justifiable or garbage).
Our communication was continuous and always on email. Beautiful lengthy letters with secrets, undiscovered feelings were mention with an openness of toddlers. Opinions were sent, misunderstandings (I thought to be) were sorted out during the middle of us climbing to the point of meeting. And the next thing I know, judgments were placed on me through my blog writings, through my words and through my Fitness Lifestyle. I took this with good stride at first. I, simply, don’t care what folks think about me. I wasn’t placed in this world for people to like me and everyone is entitled to their own opinions. Doesn’t mean I have to agree with them.
All good things come to an end.
This is life, I guess.
But, my thing will be, why does a good thing have to end because of somebody else’s selfishness, being dishonest to my honesty, because of who I am, because of who you are? Why do people rather bullshit where they stand as oppose to where they truly are? Why can’t people respect you as you do them?
In the end, I perceived the emails to be a good climb on his part to most likely mush me up in a way where I’ll ease and do whatever he desired. Great on an older man’s part, I mean what else do they have to go off on? It’s wonderful for me how I’m very smart when it comes to men, relationships and human behavior. But was it good for him to go through all this trouble, all the time invested only to later be looked at as a jerk, bullshitter or other?
We were supposed to meet. Completely platonic. Have some dinner. Go out on the town. Enjoy the city under agreements we have made. But I’m aware that if I were another woman, more like the stupid kind, more like you can take advantage of her when you wanted to kind, more of the open arms and open sex kind of a woman that will keep my mouth shut and live up to his/your expectations kind..well, we would have met, I bet.
I’ve come to the conclusion that most men, who are insecure or who are looking to find their own sturdy ground in their own world when it comes to sex, do not like intelligent, secured or opinionated women. It’s truly a shame they prefer to miss out on a real woman, as oppose to deal with young women who aren’t only easy to crack, but aren’t reliable. Young women aren’t nearly as fun as how I can be and on many different types of levels, not just in the bedroom. (And I know I talk like I’m so much older. I’m only 29. But my mind has surpass me.)
In my last email to him, just recently, like last month, I had to let out feelings about what he’s been doing to one particular woman in his life. This woman is young and is being taken advantage of. She’s only aware of this to an extent, sadly. I do not like this. Probably because I have too much respect for women, (though many of them are dumb). It became my business when he spoke to me about his business. He told me about how he’s a close friend to their family, how he takes care and visits the family often, but also how he takes this young lady out to dinners, takes her on shopping sprees and etc. Clearly she wants no sex with this man. He has told me she only allows him to caress her arms. But this doesn’t stop him from what he calls being a father-figure to her and being her sugar daddy.
I had to speak on it because he doesn’t see what he’s doing to this young ignorant lady. What will happen when she gets a distorted image on what younger/older men can both provide for her mentally, physically, emotionally or sexually? She will distrust men from the emotional to the physiological tidbits and she will have him, a huge part of her life to thank for.
Whether or not he wanted to hear this, it had to be brought to his attention because there’s something called perspective and if we can help someone even if it’s indirectly, I say help them, even if they didn’t ask. This is how I live. Evidently he believes he’s helping the young girl. But don’t we tell ourselves anything to justify our right? Then, wonder why we keep repeating the same cycles.
And in the end, who gets punished for being humble and good person?
As a shattered mirror
Years of wasted life tutorials
How do I know
If I truly been given a choice
Damn this bird!
Caught in my throat box
The wings open like fan blades
Tears start to fade
If I didn’t know better
I’d say I swallowed glass
The way it stings
The way I wince and flash
The way it feels good
Like a moment of self-expression
Gnarly like neon signs
No matter how far you search to find
What’s troubling is
The study of mind
Oh the way the wet wets my eyes
The way a pink rose brightens my lips
As a crazy fool open on Valentine’s
In these fine lines of my face
Signature memories I dare left behind
The streak of gray in my mane
Won’t allow I to forget my name
The crimson wine in my cup
“Nothing’s ever enough.”
The ashes in my tray
The present a present?
Or a space in time to run away?
I’m failing in episodes
Where existence aches
Nothing is as lonely as feeling as lonely feels.
Oxygen gets cut short from that funny thin stick.
Call it Cancer, call it American, call it what it is:
A Hopeless Cigarette to shell out the life of clearance.
I sense the way the walls compress on my skin. I feel.
When they close, I start to recognize, it’s real.
I die inside every night despite my will to survive.
Outside substance, musical therapy, mental jeopardy
Leaves me wickedly lethargic and fatigued with speed.
How can I discard a mind that stands over me?
I find myself in and out of what I know as: Binge-Eating.
I’m aware there’s a difference between wanting to eat a lot and enjoying what you’re eating. Usually the second can be done at a fine restaurant where you have to show good face and not suck your fingers off and ask the person you’re quite familiar with: “Are you going to eat that?”
I’ve always had a big appetite. Always! From when I could remember around the age of 7, I celebrated when I ate my first 2 Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. *MOM LOOK!!!* By the time 12 of age came I was practically swallowing Double Cheeseburgers and whatever else I could get my hands on. For a long while I was a very picky eater like I wouldn’t eat white rice without ketchup, that sort of thing! But I also fell into a trap of fasting at first, which turn into starvation. I only drank fluids. I never ate nothing solid. Aiming for that perfect body, the 6-pack, which I achieved at a young age. I’m losing track..
As I aged I’ve become greedy with food. And by greedy I mean, there are times when I’ll order lots of food and make sure to eat it ALL of it. An example was last month: I had 2 Double-cheese Burgers, 1 Fish Sandwich Small Fries, some Chicken Nuggets and well, I still wasn’t full. I would have easily ordered some more food, but I had gotten up for the second round already. I didn’t want another funny ass look from the person behind the service desk taking my order. Sometimes these ground rules help me. Not really ground rules, but you get what I mean..right?…
I also do shit like this: Buy a huge bag of my favorite chips (when I’m being naughty or having a cheat day) and make sure to eat the whole bag in one sitting. And I refuse to share. I always tell my friends or folks who are with me to get their own bag, even if it means I have to pay for it.
Binge-eating seems to have a play in my life this past month. Could be winter? Could be depression? Or could be I’m making up for the months when I was an angel on my diet? But I’ve allowed myself to eat what I want to try and make peace with myself and the balance of eating. I’ve hit this phase of eating pretty hard this month, in terms of stocking up and eating and eating. Not necessarily eating every sugary or greasy crap out there. Just filling my belly, as if, I were hibernating soon. I believe, it’s due to me reacting to the 8 months of calorie-counting and dieting. Not having certain foods, telling myself I love veggies and trying to believe I do like eating veggies and eating healthy.
But that’s a lie!
I’m not sure if I’m thinking entirely when I have these episodes of uncontrollable urges for overeating. The times that I DO catch myself thinking I simply say, “I don’t give a fuck!” Surely sometimes depression can trigger this or the day during/after a heavy weight lifting session. But with working out, I can tell if I’m not careful or within self-containing stages, this becomes a form of compensation. This sucks of course because then I feel I have to workout harder throughout the week.
I’ am positively sure I have a classic case of some type of eating disorder, no matter how minuscule it may seem. But I may have been avoiding it. They say being a woman in the Western culture heightens this classic case. Sighs. I hate thinking about even becoming a statistic. For all I know it’s all genetics as plenty of things are. I know how it runs deep in my blood to have all sorts of disorders from mental to emotional…
To be continued…
It always amazes me when my muscles hit a new level and are quicker to contract altogether and engage thoroughly. This is the best! I look forward to this each and every day. Yesterday early day I woke up blessed and hyped: Looking to set on a cardio adventure, looking to unleash such an abundance of Ms.Hall’s energy, looking to spread Fitness seeds! I got to work (gym).. and before commencing my receptionist duties I HIT IT!
Before ever stepping into the acres of gym world, I’m a big believer in mentally preparing oneself to get your mind and attitude right. I slipped into the right type of workout attire: A used and beat up Superman Logo on my chest, sleeves cut for tank appearance. Knee length faded black shorts that are a mix between tight and relax comfort. (Truthfully, they’ve gotten pretty baggy on me.) But this makes me love them more!
The next mental preparation candy is no other than rock music on my way on the train with the roaring afternoon crowd in New York City: Audioslave, Pearl Jam, REM. These get me on a roll with drums, guitars, lyrics and riffs that give me kicks!
All this mental shit going on you may think I have my cardio regimen for the day, right? Nah. I didn’t have no plans on how long cardio would be. If I were going to perform slow and steady state cardio or intervals. If I wanted treadmill, stationary bike or elliptical. I played it by ear. I had a good and mighty breakfast. So I was looking forward to burning through the carbs, fruit sugars and veggie sausage.
Being indecisive of which cardio equipment I wanted to use, looking where the pack of cardio hamsters were at first, I decided to lightly jog on a corner treadmill to gain a nice rhythm. After 10 minutes of my warm up, I turned it up to a moderate pace, jogging for 5 minutes, building up extra momentum, increasing core temperature. By this time, knowing I can trip and fall, I didn’t hesitate to fumble and play all my Pearl Jam songs. This band always makes me have a good rush til the end. Hits my spot and works like a charm! Hasn’t failed me yet. So if something’s not broke, don’t fix it.
After those 5 minutes, I slowed down and power-walked for another 5 minutes. Then moderate jog for 1 whole minute, then switched to 30 second sprints. And lord, I felt completely powerful. There were no signs or recollections of hamster humans on the vast cardio equipment surrounding me. There was nothing, but my treadmill action, my powerful legs, my abdominals clenching with every footing, my glutes making a slight jiggle, yet being prissy bitches. I was aligned as usual. I repeated the 1 minute and 30 second freaklicious bonanza for 5 more delicious interval times only because I haven’t jogged in a hot while and my shins were getting splits.
Then I climbed aboard on the stationary bike and did 8 more intervals, going all out and peddling as quick as I could for the same 30 seconds and rest of 1 minute. By the last interval my legs were on fire and I gave myself a break and didn’t crank the resistance level all the way up! After this my legs were fucked up, burnt, beyond fatigued, screaming for mercy though I stopped and caught a 2 minutes light cool down on the bike. Then I bulldozed to the Personal Trainer’s Lair and sported some mean stretching.
AVG HR 160-184 MAX
Duration: 50 Minutes
Today will be a full rest day before I hit up Legs, Dive Bombers and more cardio for the upcoming week. Summer seems like a long time from now. But trust me its just around the corner and this is all I’m thinking about.
Imagine if I threw in the towel for every small trivial and obstacle that came my way for the Training Life?
Imagine if I kept at my misery of 210lbs?
Imagine if I never practiced on eating cleaner?
Imagine if I never had a love for muscles and curves?
Imagine if I never learned to enjoyed water
and the extra calories it doesn’t give me?
Imagine if I never thought I could diet?
Imagine if I despised working hard?
Imagine if my willingness was weak?
Imagine if every time I felt tired I skipped my workout?
Imagine if every time it rained outside I skipped going to the gym?
Imagine if I allowed my headache to dictate not working out?
Imagine if I didn’t re-motivate myself with
Fitness Magazines, movies or role-models?
Imagine if I was fine with being average?
Imagine if I was fine with lots of cellulite?
Imagine if I listened to everyone who said your genetics aren’t good enough?
Imagine if I wanted to look as heavy as everyone else in my family?
Imagine if I only preferred things to be easy?
Imagine if I gave in to every craving when it arose?
Imagine if I gave in to grandma’s and friend’s food offerings?
Imagine if I didn’t have self-control?
Imagine if I never gave up soda, fruit juices or fried foods?
Imagine if I didn’t thrive on my passion for Fitness and Training?
Imagine if I never educated myself?
Imagine if I never thought outside the box?
And you have to like to perform and work hard!
It’s that simple with the Training Life. It’s not only about looking good and eating healthy. Most people miss the mark with what’s truly needed to keep on going steady, day in and day out, year after year for working out. It’s passion, determination, being accountable, self-motivation, tenacity, attitude, competition (with yourself or with others), defeating the constant negative talk with positive, seeing your vision, believing it, making it come true, having great work ethics, a form and an agreement with willingness, practicing discipline, making perpetual decisions, going through trial and error, frequent mantras/quotes to stimulate and re-motivate, dedication and much much more.
I don’t believe that only certain people have a good knack for being a hard worker than the next. That some people are genetically built better or more suitable for it. Nope! That’s just a bullshit excuse on getting out of a hard-working situation. Look at how hard certain immigrants work to make their American Dream come true! And look how lazy some Americans are never making their Dream for fear of success, for being comfortable in the known, rather than the unknown.
Do you think all the Figure ladies and Bodybuilder men made it on stage because they were genetically gifted? Yeah, right! They fought hard. This is why many of them may appear as if they aren’t humble. They WORKED for it!! Besides work ethics and liking to perform hard..it’s about courage, about manifestation. It’s all about how much willingness you have in the palm of your hand. How far you’re WILLING to EXECUTE the plan. It’s all about how much you’re willing to sacrifice for the greater good. YOUR GOOD!
There’s no fucking secret!
Some people just happen to take things more seriously than others, whether it’s a career, a Fitness regimen, wanting to be the best mother/father in the world or being a great professor. Everyone has their own thing. But overall, it’s about the effort, the work, the sweat, the tears, the philosophy, the principles behind each and every one of those magnificent things.
Wouldn’t you agree?
I once had a female friend of mine hit me up on Facebook who saw my profile photo and instantly liked it. She inboxed me and asked me, “I’m so jealous, how did you get your waist to look so tiny and your back to look so good?” I told her, “Hard work. What you see in this photo is hard work, trial and error and the illusion of working on your best assets on your body.” I gave her tips on what to do, how she can do it, etc. But did she ever do it? No! Why? Because the average person rather stay average by being lazy. And that’s okay with me especially if that’s okay with you! But as long as the average person can find comfort in being average, then that’s how your mind and attitude will be formed.
Since January rolled on in without my full awareness, I have not went to the gym to pick up ferocious weights. No dumbbells. No barbells. This saddens me of course. But I’m testing things out.. for the infamous trials and errors are forever at my beck and call.
A few sources have come to my attention and whether its true or not bears an influence on my mind. And that is, if I want to bring my body weight down lifting heavy may slow this process down even if I’m performing higher reps. So it’s time for a bit of a change. Why not? Nothing ever changes if one remains the same. And there’s nothing better to teach this lesson but in fitness and training.
What I’m planning on doing is changing the course as I know it. This will continue for a little while, maybe 2 months or until I officially break and go crazy for my metal steel weights. We will see people!
I will take this time to devote my focus, determination, passion and tenacity to body weight (total body/full core) exercises using super high reps with a slower than normal tempo. I want to bring my body-weight down. I want to be agile. I want to work on my cardio endurance work without doing too much steady-state cardio or be on any cardio equipment, if at all. Most of the stuff will be at a much more higher intensity then I’m used to. Probably why I’ve been developing more exercise headaches then ever before in my life. Things will seem like a never ending safari of conditioning. But this is good and out of my realms. So my body will probably respond very quickly.
I want to work on building a stronger heart. I want to control my body very well. I have already became much better with jumping and engaging my abs thanks to total body exercises and working as one unit with my body as oppose to working on isolating or compound exercises with barbells and dumbbells. I want to continue to feel as light as a feather. So far I’ve been feeling reallly light. I want to be different than all the rest of my friends who train as well, as usual.
Finally with as much as I love weight-lifting, wrapping my hand around the cold steel and being ever so in love with the power of empowerment from repping, I know I can always come back. I will be embedded to it always and it’ll be my first love always. And although I have a hard time thinking about losing strength I will not allow it to get in my way. My strength will grow in many different ways.
Just yesterday I broke my workout and ran for the weights during my break. I lifted for biceps, triceps, shoulders and back. It felt so amazing! I felt on top of the world. The headache I had for 7 hours that day went straight away after that lifting session! And in that moment I was fueled with power, energy and pure happiness. So I may keep a weights day in for at least 1-2 x a week, but moderate weight and higher reps. Only supersetting, circuit style or giant sets. Nothing less than that.
And I’ll see how it all pans out.
I’m pretty smart,