Monthly Archives: January 2012

secret


you rubbed my shoulders.
i felt the earth in your hands.
it’s our secret.

you kissed my lips.
i felt red passion from your pelt.
it’s our secret.

you hugged me peacefully,
envelope me in sticky love.
it’s our secret.

you ate my body up,
like fruit cake.  until i stood late.
it’s our secret.

-Pennington©

When You Value Yourself, Nothing Else Matters.



Judgement. 

Don’t you just LOVE this word?  Doesn’t this word conjure feelings of anger? How about happiness?  Or maybe a feeling like building, manipulating or fumbling a case?  Or what about tucking our tails between our chronic trembling legs running down a manhole hiding everything in range of vision while clutching onto our rosary of justification?  I don’t know about you, but when I take off the “m,e, n, t,” I find the word “Judge” to be painfully ugly.

Still, does it stop me from judging?  Or what I call prescreening or filling in what I believe is a profile based on age, skin color, style, gender or education?  Does judging a person make one smarter or stupider?  Does it keep us safe?  Or immobile with our guard?   Or do we find wisdom in it?  Are judgements the same as opinions?  Could the case of the person being judge be faulted by facts?  How much are we allowed to pin on a person when in the end it can all be a matter of perspective?

I’ve been burned once.

And I don’t mean like the one time at band camp during the age of 15 where I came silently into contact with gonorrhea.  I mean, burned as in Cast Away from friends, groups, associates and even work because I believe in stating however careful or blatant the policy I live by:  Honesty.  (For a story greater in detail which is along the topic of this one.  Read here.)  Now for the life of me (and I hate when I say this ->), but I understand and I don’t understand why the next person can’t accept my principles since I enjoy maintaining my codes:  Morals, Loyalty, Friendship and Respect to name a few?

Honesty has allowed me to be confident and clear with who I am in my skin and within my conscious.  Not to be mistaken with who I want or wish to be, presently or approaching.  Cheerlessly, my reliance level isn’t well received by others as they grow hate for my unintentional means of arriving which makes them feel uncomfortable or threaten with their already firing insecurities.  What do you know?  One of the infamous questions I get is:  “How do you do it?”   And it’s simple really.  If you’re honest with yourself and others, your integrity becomes invincible.  All doubts diminish as they’ll light richly with truth because your words and actions are aligned within the universe frequency.

Anything outside of honesty, living by a set of morals and practicing everyday challenges of being self-aware I want nothing to do with.  I have a friend who says, “Penn you have to learn how to accept people.”  But how can I learn to accept people when they don’t agree and welcome themselves first?  So, how will they in turn welcome me?  If the person lies to themselves than this will mean they’ll undoubtedly lie to me.  And why would I want to be involved with such brainlessness?

I never found it scary, nor will I excuse myself from saying the truth.  Promises are flimsy, waiting to be annihilated like the common people.  But, my words alone are my bond.  I want them crimeless, reeking of finesse and raging guts just how I treat my Training.  Rather than being the Average Joe and feeling I’m better off speaking higher than what I can display my character.  I wonder, if these people sincerely believe they can get away with this disgraceful behavior while keeping someone as special as me in their life at the same time?

When you value yourself, nothing else matters.

-Pennington

“Empty Stomach Reality” Two!


Nearly everyone who fasts, discovers the same thing, that when they fast they actually have no hunger and more energy than they normally have. It is indeed liberating to find out that if we let go and trust that we will be taken care of.”

Here’s the other half to where it started:  Empty Stomach Reality.  There are lots of benefits with Fasting when it comes to the body/mind/spirit.  But I’m not going to get into how or why you can lose bodyfat or how it reduces blood pressure, repairs your cells and increases growth hormones.  For Christ Sake I’m just a simpleton!  Over the course of my experience with Fasting I’ll present to you the benefits of what Fasting has done for Me in no particular order.  But before I get to the positive part.  Here are a few negatives with explanations of what I learned along the way.

The Not-So Benefits that could be Overridden.

1.  Fasting often doesn’t necessarily mean it’s better!

Really once a week every week, if one feels they need that much, can be overdoing it.  I realized this too late in between mid-month of November to December.  I was beyond committed to Fasting like it was a golden key to unlocking the mysteries of religion or coming to terms with body science.  But along the journey my body became sick and any kind of food I put into my mouth made me profoundly nauseous.  No matter how small the portion was or healthy.

The thought of eating made me want to spew my empty reality and if I could have thrown up my intestines I would have while stabbing it repeatedly with a fork for being such a fucking asshole!  (But, it doesn’t make any sense that I be mad at my body for something I clearly started for my own selfish reasons.)  Sometimes I can take what I’m experimenting on into a nasty form of OCD and get lost in it because it’s my chemical romance.

2.  Timing like most things can make the difference between experiencing a good fast or a terrible one.

I’m a night owl.  So it made perfect sense for me to start my Fast at the latest 11pm to the following night at 11pm.  On rare occasions, I would start a fast as early as 3pm.  But I found the earlier I had to deal with the Fast the earlier Life’s distractions and emotions sat on my boulder shoulders pecking me like Woody Wood to eat something.  Hunger pangs during the day just never sat well with me.  Why should it when I can sleep through half the Fast instead of being up for all of it? ;)  Still I expect this, with working, training and dealing with stupid people however.  The question is:  When is the best time for you to deal with (literally) less on your plate while being affected by other disagreeable circumstances?

That’s a personal choice.

3.  Be extra prepared for a Fast.

There are going to be without a doubt Fasts that will go according to your plan.  You set up the date.  You’ve been visualizing it the entire week and have also been setting up how you’re going to keep busy and arrive extra early for work because you won’t be stopping by the Coffee Shop.  Then there are those horrible Fasts where maybe you didn’t get enough sleep or you went too hard working out a day and a half ago and things are still lingering.  To the point where the Fast itself is completely telling you to “go fuck yourself!”   You stand there blindly like the fuck?  I thought I fucking mastered the not eating part.

So there were times when Herbal Tea assisted my hunger pangs.  Other times just the sight of Water fucked with my eyes and I became nauseous.  And this is when I learned that one 5-10 calorie stick of gum came to my rescue.  Weird, I thought?  But whatever works to get you from Point A to Point B is what I always say.

4.  Defending Fasting From Others

I thought I was being smart the first few times I fasted by writing down the word Fasting on my hands, wrists and arms because there were instances when I naturally wanted to go to my kitchen or purchase food without thinking while window-shopping.  But then drama happened, “Is that a tattoo?  Oh!  You’re Fasting?  That’s not good!  That’s dangerous.  You could die.  You’re going to slow down your metabolism and screw up your hormones.  Aren’t you defeating the purpose of lifting weights if you need to eat to maintain your muscle?”  The shit never stops!

So I stopped writing the word on myself and kept Fasting as discreet as my DM’s on Twitter while defending what I was doing to an extent.  Most people are dumb and love to bask in ignorance.  Just let them.  Most average people don’t even know what it takes to be determined, gun-ho to set a goal or workout.  Let alone what it’s like to abstain from food.  Rather than focus on the benefits they rather focus on other people’s opinions because they’re too lazy to research themselves.  I bet you if everyone admitted to Fasting and it wasn’t looked at as something only Muslims do, they be fucking doing it with no negativity in the forefront.

5.  Bad breath & Canker Sores

Counter it by brushing your teeth, gums and tongue often.. especially when servicing people face to face.

6.  Diarrhea. 

Everyone will obviously act differently.  And I have quite a few stories on this alone.  Seemed like every time I finally ate after an entire day of Fasting.  I had 15-20 minutes (because stuff like this you must time) where I had to run to the bathroom.  Or head into Starbucks after telling my friend to pull over while we were about to get on the highway and shit violently while praying no one comes into bathroom when I’m done.  Well, because it reminded me of this:

7.  Joint pain & Muscle Tightness

Just stretch, get extra rest and drink yourself into a water coma.

8.  Emotional Overload/Overreacting

I think it’s completely normal to be super sensitive when the body is going through it’s bouts of Fasting.  Expect certain things to bother you that has never bothered you before.  But at the same time understand it will go away and remind yourself that every sense/emotion is heightened because of the Fasting Process.  Write down your reflections.

The Intriguing, Yet Sloppily Written Benefits

1. I’m able to tell the difference between a mind/emotional hunger versus a true/body one.

This may be the most important thing anyone can take away from Fasting.  Are you aware when you’re hungry?  If so, is it when you’re bored, emotionally distraught at a lost for words or when you’re Body is actually HUNGRY?  Can you tell the difference between being thirsty or when your hunger pangs are all in your mind?  Are you willing to find out?

Body signals are significantly worth getting to know.

2.  I have a deeper sense of clarity.  I have less mind clutter.  I’m able to make decisions better. 

Self-explanatory, really.

3.  I have a sense for/of cleanliness. 

Maybe this is due to a subconscious and conscious detoxification process.  This includes cleaning my space and actually other people’s space as well, whether this includes the apartment (donating clothes, throwing away clutter) or the place in which I work (organizing dumbbells, filing papers).  Fuck.  I kid you not!  I went into a place to purchase a salad and I while I was waiting patiently I went to pick up all the receipts off from the floor.  I just wanted it clean.

4. I find myself yearning for Zen in every way possible.

This also means I want to live more in a state of being present and achieving a higher level of consciousness.  Not to be confused with necessarily going along with the flow.  I like some kind of structure whether it’s due to moral or restraint purposes.  But here’s an example that’s completely honest:  I can feel how the weather is like early in the morning when I’m blessed with another day for life, breath and opening my eyes.  Strange, but true.  I can feel the earth of the gray if it’s raining out or my own aura radiating like a sweet flower petal rising to touch the sun.

5.  I have enormous amounts of peaked energy throughout the day and night that sometimes I find it difficult to sleep. 

And here I thought the only time I can obtain tremendous amounts of furious energy was when I ate every 2-3 hours.   Or after a bout of hypersexual-ness?  I had a few episodes where I broke night because of such mighty energy levels.

6.  I find annoyances in the way people consume things whether for greedy reasons or cultural conditioning ones. 

I hate the thought of Malls and food courts with welcoming doors for people who are readily available to throw their souls away without a second thought into what or how their cloths and toys were made.

7.  My body feels lighter.  I feel much more agile like Spiderman.  Entirely from the inside out.

8.  Fasting resets my blood sugar levels and any grogginess I might have been feeling on a particular day that I couldn’t completely shake off on my own.

9.  Fasting shrank my stomach!

There are many fucking times where I frankly don’t care to admit when I just want to eat everything because I just like stuffing shit in my goddamn mouth.  Really I have no good reason?  However when those precious times would come around when I wanted to do nothing but overeat.  I couldn’t.  Mostly because my stomach shrank in more than one way.  So I wasn’t allowed to be a Fat ass when I wanted.  This scared the fuck out of me and also made me pretty sad.  Yeah yeah, I know I’m a fatass! :D

10.  Experienced no constipation.

11.  Breathing becomes different. 

I noticed this while performing Yoga.  I’m able to inhale much more deeply without beginner’s strain or whatever.  So much so that it astounded me as I felt my spine and muscles lengthen to a fucking degree I wish I could describe. :(

12.  Allowed me to forget calorie-counting to a certain point while making it easier to eat loadfuls of veggies at a time.  I now love veggie slop.  Who knew?

13.  I learned how to better listen to my body for everything including the point where a full 1 week recovery was all I needed to be able to kick up the workouts again.

At this point in time I stood away from all types of exercises, including stretching.  I never once exerted myself.  Instead I allowed all the pain from my joints and muscles to come out and heal up.  When I was done with the rest I had obviously weigh myself before and after.  I wound up losing 5lbs.

14.   Become much more thankful and grateful for meals while eliminating the need to overindulge or fall prey into strong cravings.

Actually I rarely had any cravings while Fasting.  Sometimes I felt like eating became a new experience as I started to focus on the textures of different foods and liquids.

15.  Stronger self-discipline and self-control.  I couldn’t believe I could watch people gorge on food and not once be affected by wanting some.  When it’s ON.  It’s ON!

16.  Last but not least:  The world of magical senses.  You know what they say, if you take a sense away it will amplify the other senses. 

Hello to the best sense of smell I’ve had in all of my existence.  I really don’t think it’s coincidence on why my sense of smell has increased as my taste and action for eating has decrease.   And why change any of this when I like it?

And some things I didn’t do during the times when I Fasted before, while or after:

I barely did any type of workout during a Fast.  Of course I tried and succeeded.  But at a price of being extremely lethargic.  I would stretch and maybe add a Yoga session in at best.  I also didn’t do such hardcore gruesome workouts on the night before a Fast because recovery seemed to be a bitch after.  I never overate after coming off a Fast.  Most times I couldn’t.  But I severely under-ate after.  I made sure to eat well before I was about to fast and took in more fats.  I’m sure there’s more I can put down, but I once again have said enough.

Would anyone like to share their Fasting experiences?  We’re all eyes here.

-Pennington

Gym Sex!


There are times when I feel the tug and pull of both my conservative and liberal side when it comes to sex.  It’s both a curse and a blessing.  Just like beauty.  Or never being able to live in complete ignorance after learning about the truth.  Sometimes I’m painstakingly annoyed, downright disgusted and put off by the petite signals of sex.  Other times I’m upfront, bully or pressure for it and have even physically punched and kicked my partners due to the rejection of sex.  But on this particular night I was in need of some sexual action and not having to wait until I went home to get my first fix.  Plus I always wanted to have sex in my first home:  The Gym.

And so it began..

I was in a bout of hypersexual quickie mode where everything seem to be out of the fucking ordinary like orgasming unexpectedly from what I consider a difficult position (for me).  And though I didn’t bless any Bench, Swiss Ball or Nautilus Machine.  I found my experience to be pleasantly received.  Excitement came from everywhere, whether it was making sure gym members were out of the building or mulling over a secluded spot with nobody knowing what was to occur.  I was living within the moment, carefree as a social butterfly with a raging throb that kept pulling my attention below which rushed over me as I stopped my partner every few feet to innocently kiss him and snuggle his bulge with palmela.

With employees roaming around the building and the lights out except for the emergency ones that glittered streaks of red and whitish blue.  I grabbed my partner by the hand giggling like I won a plush toy at a carnival with a sun smile on my face guiding him into the darkened  women’s locker room carefully.  There’s always been something both strangely calm and dirty about having sex in the biggest stall of a gym.  I didn’t waste any time as I lowered my pants to my ankles while he kissed the back of my neck and massaged all my hills and curves the way I adore.  My heart was racing from the possibility of getting caught, legs tangled in anxiety bliss, middle moist with love and devotion.

I turned around to kiss him heavily on the lips to spill the pleasure he was giving to me with his hand on my ruby seed.  Willingly I unbuckled his belt, unbutton THE button, unzipped it as now was his turn to lower the cockblocking pants.  But the fun part came when I held onto the handicapped rail.  I half-way bent over with one hand mushing the wall for better balance.  Then tilting my head towards the side I can see hands fumbling, body shifting and hear his moistening the rod business to prepare for demand.

The first few strokes typically are the most painful for me.  But not tonight.  My pumpkin was ready and it swallowed him whole while I got up on my tippy-toes to add to the height and arch and awe of it all.  As our moans filled the air and the nervousness of sweat clung onto the fabric of our clothes, I took in, how his firm grip felt on my hips, how he pulled me in smoothly and how he strummed my pink hard seed all at the same time.  Probably the best feeling was the combination of how my calves were burning hell from being raised as I mimicked his rhythm and pace faithfully while he pumped me with sweet exaltation.

With all my senses lit, pumpkin contracted harder and harder.  Clamming down on my partner’s screwdriver while my clitoris was jerked heavenly upon.  My abdominals started to clench into what felt like a double crunch, my hand hanging onto the edge of the handicap rail trying to hold on.  But my body language deteriorated into a slump as I couldn’t contain my powerful sneak attack orgasm.  I convulsed with each stroke as he drove home deeper and deeper with a much fuller force.  He was more than close and my calves were championing between fierce blaze and a maddening cramp contraction.

No more deepened inhalations, only shallow gasps and slight gulps.  His elation was ready to spill over just in the jizz of time as I was about to dip into my lazy mode with my powerful orgasm and passion energy well spent.  He pulled out.  His aura felt like thunder as he came remarkably strong.  And on a final note:  Between you and I, let’s just say there wasn’t a mess the housekeeper had to clean the next morning. ;)

-Pennington

To A Child



The greatest poem ever known
Is one all poets have outgrown:
The poetry, innate, untold
Of being only four years old.

Still young enough to be a part
Of Nature’s great impulsive heart,
Born comrade of bird, beast and tree
And unselfconscious as the bee-

And yet with lovely reason skilled
Each day new paradise to build
Elate explorer of each sense,
Without dismay, without pretense!

In your unstained transparent eyes
There is no conscience, no surprise:
Life’s queer conundrums you accept
Your strange Divinity still kept….

And Life, that sets all things in rhyme,
May make you poet, too, in time-
But there were days, O tender elf,
When you were Poetry itself!

-Christopher Morley

P.S.

To the child within all of us.