I can honestly say in my life I never had any legitimate friends.
Like one who actually looks out for you, grabs you by your stubborn horns and knocks compelling sense into your brain so you do not go repeating the same dead-end cycle through life. One who dares to put you in better situations because they want more for you (than you probably do for yourself?) rather than keep you in the same decreasing spot (as they) in hopes you’ll always need them in some low self-esteem dependency sort of way.
Not the kind of friend who allows another cunt to grab you by your hair from behind as she watches your temple get smashed into a concrete wall before you could even figure out what’s truly going on. Or the kind who never seems to let go of the past as to why they’ll never help you get into a higher-paying job again because you know how everyone never has a fitting period of unquestionable mistakes and arrogant immaturity.
There has been times where I lost myself in yearning for a best friend badly that I’ve betrayed my own preachings and discarded my human behavioral theories. However, in return, I paid the heavy price of being burned by the process of another life lesson. Oh how magically magnificent it is to be enlighten by what you always knew to be infallible by the advantage built into our DNA called: Intuition!
There are moments where having patience is greater than throwing trust into words or silly superstitious stuff say horoscope written for the general population. Or what I call “get-by actions” that are led by another whereas they provide the basics and participate in the bare minimum of what it takes to be in your life (whatever that may be for somebody like you).
Now I haven’t truly given up on perhaps the idea of possibly gaining a friendship where all becomes daffodils, butterflies and two-way streets and rights within the world. But I feel old in my thinking and the modern way of believing makes it harder to maintain the dream of maybe. No, not because I’m bitter. But because I’ve been doing fine by myself for thirty years now. Maybe fixing this would be the problem? So hesitation is the one that grants my defense permission to act how it wishes.
There’s more to this story and perhaps not what you think.
Every once in a blue moon when I see my mammoth crush’s avi change on Facebook I go onto his page like a curious cat waiting to see what mysteries unfold in a blink of an eye. I wonder what he’s been up to as my heart pounds like it desires to die and somewhere within the commotion of beating blood and spiking sweat I believe I can fly and I have a friendly tingle in the middle of my precious thighs.
Still the comical thing, so happens to be one of my theories, which is, if you want to bring the young girl out of the woman, either place her long lost love or her biggest crush in front of her and welcome what’s inside – out – like a rebel cry. If you expect this entry to sound mature or have a point or cater to structure. Well, then you’re missing out on the fact that in a world of daily crushes my mammoth one takes the eggs, flour, butter and crushes entire cities of pies.
The first thing I see in the snapshots are his expressions: Eyes intense and content. Cartoonish wide grin that’s as surreal as a Janet Jackson or Pearl Jam event. I zero in and lock on his deepened dimples in the way I take notice of the present. I glance at the huge joy radiating off his entire body completely in sync, never segmented.
And I want to be the person who’ll catch such beauty, even though a photograph could never do him justice or truly see what I do. I adore how he lives open and free with his approaches of infected happiness within the worldview. But, sometimes it’s all too much to dip into when you sit in the corner and observe how a crush passes right through and by you.
..But I just want to be around him.
Unfortunately things hover like obligated love and the chances become thin and the reaper in my mind dances grim. In certain photos, he’s with his super girlfriend of countless years and she’s as beautiful as him. Beautiful smile that suck everyone around like a black-hole, just like him. She has the same super duper jolly aura radiating from her and it’s ever so wonderful. So freaking wonderful. Wonderful it is! Hymnnnn.
..So wonderful I want to touch and be around that.
And I have my ways to bump into them since we’re in the same city and no, I don’t mean by accident. I get invitations. Sometimes when they’re together. Sometimes when they’re separate because life enjoys to keep one at arms length at rich suspense, even when you know your common sense comes at great expense. I’ve been through the high and the low tides and gone unknowingly spent. Ever think to yourself: Oh the hilarity of playing it nice? Sweet torment comes in the form of living within the right.
I do know. But I don’t know if I could or should ever want to bring myself to get on the emotional roller-coaster (or perhaps slightly on the delusional?) ride and hide my feelings from them both at the same time (again). Let alone an audience. I’m always awkward and especially peachy and tip-top buddy-buddy wanting to appease completely superficially. (Do you see that?) A case of foolish disorient.
To be continued..