”Even the right is wrong.” – Coldplay
I’ve always been the type of person who believes in doing right. I’ve always considered seeking out justice and being the fairness in somebody else’s life. I’ve always been the type to defend others from bullies. I’ve always done my best (and many times continue) to do the moral thing first. Yet over the course of years sometimes being right isn’t always the key and sometimes being fair gets no one anywhere and sometimes life is the big bully and you can’t rescue everyone from it.
Than, with maturity, you start to question, if there’s such a thing as morality. If it’s all just insubstantial words spoken or a running character to maintain, something meant to structuralized but its actually out of order because it was placed here centuries ago, so what do you really know? There isn’t anything new under the sun and you start to break down choices, wonder about freewill, question karma and you start to roll with punches and what if’s and dig into the heart of half truths and it starts to decline into a big pile of shit. What do you know?
I always believed in respecting people’s marriages. If I knew the guy was married I wouldn’t converse or look his way ever again. I’d remained proper to myself and my principles and even when the guy couldn’t I would do it for him. I’d respect his woman without knowing her and I wouldn’t dare think, fantasize or dream to cross the line. It became a blank page, a thought to never entertain.
At some point I remember growing bolder and leaving my strictness moral code behind. I’d flirt with a married man who at the time was one of my instructors in trade school for Automotive Body & Repair. I recalled wanting to get extra credit and doing whatever I could to achieve it. So one day I decided at a whim to brush my breasts on his forearm right on his podium as class was being dismissed. It was there when I received my extra credit. I knew men were stupidly head over heels when it came to woman’s sexuality and I took full advantage knowing he was of very mature age.
I knew to an extent I was wrong. I never once thought I was for the most part entirely leading him on even when we went out to sit down and eat once. Than one day he invited me to the teacher’s lounge and openly kissed me without warning and without fear of getting caught. On his end he kissed me passionately while I froze in his mouth right at the beginning. See I felt bad for him so I kissed him back and made it under a minute. I kissed him because I knew he desired it blindly. I felt nothing for him and I felt nothing out of the kiss itself. I broke away afterwards and never flirted with him or another married man again. He later apologized. I give that to him.
Ah, but over the course of the past two years I’ve been questioning this marriage life and who created it? And if a piece of paper in fact means anything like uniting two people until death does them apart? And if you know the marriage situation well – what makes it superior and what makes it sour? There are numerous ways to rationalize this person’s greedy needs and the other person’s greedy wants especially if the marriage is arranged. Being human, being married in itself is multifaceted. And isn’t everything a dependent on something else?
Now on a side note but very much related I seen one film in my whole life (thus far) where they showed a marriage affair and how the people within benefited from it. It’s unlike the many negative connotation affair subjects out in the world. The film is called: Waitress. (And yes you should see it!) I can’t for the life of me memorize whether if this film or my own mind has led me down to the road of immorality. But somewhere along the line I’ve made an agreement with myself on how nothing is what it seems and I’m pretty much exhausted of perpetually playing the good role in life.
Over the course of weeks I’ve been speaking with a married man. I’ve recently listened to him confess about being unhappy when I asked him bluntly. We now speak a decent amount in person when he comes by to my job. Other times we briefly text and mention how we hope the day treats one another nice. He buys me coconut water almost every time he visits because like most people he doesn’t understand why I don’t drink anything except water.
Today however became another marking when I invited him to come with on my break and he casually revealed how he doesn’t remember the last time him and his wife have sat down in a restaurant to eat and simply chat. She works long hours and when they catch up on seeing one another it tends to be only on the weekends. He also made the mention on how he feels as if he’s emotionally cheating on her with me and how he’s conflicted about doing the right thing. He’s torn between his heart and his mind. Part of him wants to seek the opportunity but than people would get hurt.
And here I am tempting him with every text, with every smile, with a casual hug, with a stroll around the neighborhood, with his buying me lunch, with every acceptance of his coconut water and with my saying yes I will go to dinner with you and to the movies and yes you can arrange a chauffeur, just say the time and place. And it’s all because there’s this part of me that (besides my own little void at this moment in my life) I like and its wanting to make a(ny) person/people happy.
Life is too short to always feel the negative, the sadness, the suffering and life is too short to always wonder what if and skip on opportunities that may in fact have been there for a reason even if meant in some theoretical way to get a divorce. No one knows anything because nothing is what it seems. And even though I can’t make the entire world content, I can rescue a few despite the face of a short or long-term immorality.