Monthly Archives: December 2013

Perspective inside a Perspective


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I’m tired of masturbating to him.

I wonder if it’s true, what he vaguely alleged, if I’d be able to overlook his emotional debuts and tiny manic moods if we actually had frequent sex?  And the fact remains that this shocked me because I paused more to myself than to him.  This could be a half-truth and this made me feel troubled and by troubled I mean my perspective on this matter had zero perspective on this matter (which calls for this entry).

Where would I be mentally or emotionally say if we had sex continuously for 3 months in the time we decided to get involved?  Where would he be? It’s been brought to my attention time and time again how sex is important to me.  I could live in part-time denial but I’ve been in the process of accepting myself for who I am a lot lately.  So where would my mindset be if we had continuous sex?  See, we only engaged in sex once for 3 pleasant hours:  One month and 12 days ago.  It’s going to be longer because he’s in California now.  (I’m not sure why I’m counting besides the obvious?  This is highly unlike me.  Plus I’m getting sex mighty well from elsewhere as is.) :)

It’s easy to memorize when I decided the next morning after our breaking night, how he said he loved me in the back of an Arab store drinking his sorrows to Sapporo beers as we made out like rebellious teenagers in public with his one hand scaring me as it clenched to my ponytail in a minor dominating matter as he vomited his feelings into the windows of my unready soul.  It’s easy to memorize how I took this time to conclude that through his mourning there’s a form of strong aphrodisiac from both ends, how I’ve been prepared to give my body to him since a year ago.  But the sealing of the deal was on his mother’s birthday, the first anniversary where she’s to represent a higher plane outside of this physical world.

I believe it’s true I’m in this (mostly?) for the physical aspect. But who’s to say I don’t like him deeply from the bottom of my heart.  That I like the way he manages his voluminous lips with Chapstick.  I like the way he takes care of me and massages my hip flexors and stretches me out like a considerate lover in the middle of a training session.  Or how I like the way he mentions his achy childhood stories with freedom and just how stimulated he becomes (like me) with a forty-minute conversation.

Still this relationship is a square of four total people involved.  We’re each affected by what one does or doesn’t do and by what the other person says and doesn’t say.  We’re each living a separate life and out of the four that make the line only three know while one has some idea.  Still this relationship is odd and dysfunctional.  It’s testing me in ways I’ve never been and it makes me feel things I haven’t felt.  I’m connected even when I try to look the other way.  Still this is part of the beauty:  No true reassurance of anything.  (Perhaps I like it this way?  It keeps the illusion of mystery alive.)  It’s following, weaving and it’s swerving.  It’s make a hard left and its turn a soft right.  And all in all it’s partially misleading.

I like that he reminds me of me.  When he pushes away is when I should be coming forward, when he says no he really means yes.  He creates distance when he doesn’t want to relinquish power.  Above all he tests my water, questions my abilities of patience, romance, positivity, fullness, training, learning to let go, being adventurous, swimming out with the other extroverts of life, nature, flowing, not questioning every single thing (because you can), the six senses and human connection.  Within experiencing somebody you experience yourself.

So where was I about masturbating? ;-)

-Pennington

Alteration


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TRX is one of the truths of fitness along with weight-training, cardio, calisthenics and a host of many other activities within this realm.  And sometimes I’m good at putting in a little bit of everything in a single week for a workout program.  But other times I forget to be well-rounded. Sometimes I stick with my reasonable rep scheme and my above moderate to heavy weight training with compound exercises and/or Total-body programs (all resistance-related) that I forget that there is anything else in the physical activity world.

So once again I was reminded by a training session (isn’t this one reason why people get actual Personal Trainers no matter how good they believe they are? – for getting out of the comfort zone) with Dark Knight just how pairing TRX, Stability Ball exercises along with Plyometrics could accomplish for my mental and physical state during, not to mention the remembrance of soreness the very next day which I’m experiencing lovingly and heavily.

TRX is amazing although not one of my favorite things to EVER do because the difficulty and exert level is beyond ridiculous when you carry a lot of weight (like me).  I also associate the TRX to be highly core related.  And let’s face it, I dislike doing core probably more so than I do visiting my mom at the nursing home/hospital. But aside from these negative relations these reasons are exactly why the TRX is extremely important.  My muscles worked super hard during these movements that my flesh seared red, my bodyfat diminished for a moment in undetectable time and I didn’t want to provide another rep despite the fact that I grinded my lips and teeth like a bad dream as my biceps and forearms wanted to fall off in sweet deliverance.

I got through some intense TRX Rows.

And I got through the Banded Pull ups, Jumping Squats, Rope Pulls, Dynamic Lunges, Tricep Rope Pull-downs, Planks and Push ups both done on the Stability Ball.  I was quite amused although I’ll be honest; I’ve never liked the unstable feeling of my body being out of control.  I like muscle fibers shaking when I lift weights (and even that I had to learn to get used to) but when the body is going completely haywire and excitingly random because it’s wondering what the hells going on within the unknown trying to make it known.. I feel tremendously uncomfortable and by uncomfortable I mean I spaced the fuck out and I needed to bring my head back down from the cosmos because it’s concentrated and very present and at the same time a stirring out-of-body-experience.

The goal before New Year arrives is to make sure I’m working on getting to the next level even if it means getting over my immense hate for core and extra bodyweight work because it’ll help me achieve more of the best. During this process I’ll be required to break through old beliefs, training rituals, destroy my mind and body all over again to gain a newfound structure and a special level of physical enlightenment.

It’s all about parts and making them into absolute and reassuring wholes, strengthening strengths but also strengthening weaknesses and dislikes until they’re no longer a phase to ponder about while enjoying the journey which keeps us on the edge of the magnificence of uncertainty. :-)

-Pennington

Appearances Lead To Narrow Thinking


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I sit here drinking my Psyllium Husk and my mind comes to life as any old night bird does with the usual nocturnal attention and I’m coming out to say don’t we all own stupid thoughts?  There are many moments where I’m not proud, more so, than I am when it comes to views particularly of the narrow-minded kind.

Looks are very deceiving and we aren’t supposed to judge the covers of books.  But this doesn’t mean we do what’s practical on a regular basis either.  I see it everyday working in the gym, people buying personal training sessions with the trainer who’s displaying the best body and with the trainer who exudes the most confidence and strength of mind.  And everyone’s guilty of it, sadly including me.  I know better but I’m not immune to being stupid or tragically impractical or human.

I put people with muscles on a high pedestal.  I know one reason is because it’s a reflection upon me.  So I work day in and day out for muscle gains and within the process many ask why I lift?  There have been times where I’ve even changed doctors because they were too busy trying to convince me that cardio wouldn’t continue to injure or inflame my tendons like lifting does.  When in reality I lift because it’s a state of mind.  I lift because it empowers me.  It builds me.  It’s therapy.  It’s love.  It’s home sweet home.  It’s bliss.  It’s being in the present moment.  Lifting involves many different aspects to and for me.  But the main significance of lifting means it’s here to perpetually keep me strong mentally and emotionally.

Now when I see other people with hard-earned muscles or working towards blood, sweat, diet and tears to get those sculpted high-end muscles, I think to myself, “Man they must be really strong mentally and emotionally.”  But many times to my vast disappointment many human beings aren’t either.  Or maybe they’re strong mentally but not emotionally or vice versa.  Yet the truth is everyone has their own personal reasons as to why they lift and are doing anything in their power to increase muscle.

It’s almost as if I want to believe these people are carved from the same mind as me just because lifting is our familiar source.  I make the fatal mistake (and in the process deceive myself) that they’re able to separate feelings from practical thoughts, able to comprehend emotional intelligence and know how to apply it to everyday life and the list unfortunately can go on and on.  See, I strongly want to believe we have this and more in common.

But I’m disillusioned because appearances are misleading, because I live in a superficial culture, because I’m part of that superficial culture, because I’m part narcissistic, because I’m tricking myself, because it’s a reflection upon me and I’m speaking and looking from my perspective because for a thousand and one reasons I have a small brain every so often like tonight.

-Pennington

A Gym Rat’s Dream: Bench Make-out!


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When two people have been fancying and aching for identical obsessions with one another for an extended period of time, fantasizing without end, dreaming superior dreams and witlessly idolizing to only approach together becomes a mixture of strong release, beautiful liberation and a relishing of everything feeling right within moments shared.

I was flat on my back on a blue stretching mat; I had just plopped down from wincing at the unbelievable pain of foamrolling and holding the spot on my super tight hamstring from a training session I underwent angrily abusing my body a few nights ago.  Dark Knight came on over to give me more pointers and how to triple the pressure onto these spots.  I did as told for a few minutes and off he went to continue his Chest and Back Training.

Staring at the ceiling, at first creating faces of pain like I misplaced a long lost love when my ears perked up and I listened out for his grunts and how he grinded out every set of every rep with continuous vigorous craze.  It seemed as if my subconscious took over for a flash and I squeezed my legs together tightly as an orgasm contraction and closed my eyes tenderly and started to pant allowing my breathings to turn erratic.

He came around the corner with his gorgeous radiant smile and asked me how my hamstrings was doing while removing the foamroll from underneath me and placing a big bright yellow stability ball under my legs for cute support.  Among the questions, he asked if I had anything else on my mind.  I shot him the infamous zoom eye to the top left corner look with my hands plastered on my forehead running through my hair frenzied and responded with, “I’m turning myself on listening to your groans as you workout.”

On one knee he lunged to the floor (and I’m not sure what he was talking about anymore once he hovered) and tapped kissed me with his voluminous lips.  I kept my eyes open to gaze at him and he did the same.  A few more beautiful tap kisses and I placed my hands on both sides of his face to drag him in as we suckled in bliss and endorphins.

I crunched upwards towards him and eventually had to hold my neck up but as an attentive lover does, he took his own arm once he noticed and filled his arm in place.  Gleefully my hands slid around his big muscular veiny forearms and against the sweat of his layered shirts that stuck onto his football player traps.  His hands lingered on the back of my neck and then he started to lower down to fondle my breast where he felt for a nipple and pinched it with slight effort as my back arched like a cat in freakish heat.

I’m unsure how I got up from the stretching mat, unsure of how we even strolled into the main shadowy weight room.  All I knew is he sat on the bench with the barbell loaded with two 45lb plates on each side and he pulled me to sit with him, our legs on either side of the bench where he innocently kissed my hair, face and neck right to my lips.  We locked in our mouths and I started to listen and feel what was going on:  Pure chemistry.

The noise of suckling lips, hands sliding the world of bodies.  The moans of desire cascaded on each other’s faces, the eye contact of fury and eyes closed in sensational delight.  The teasing of his kisses where he would open his mouth but not dart his tongue directly into mine all led me to flow with him like a moral story.

What I enjoyed the most was how we both had on sweat and damp clothing from our workouts: I had set out for my many rounds of heavy bag kicks, knees and core work while he gave his body away to monstrous giant sets.  But our funks didn’t matter.  I believe it’s what gave us another beautiful edge.

And I allowed him freely to massage my breasts together from above fabric while he rubbed my fiery nipples.  Then every now and again he would pull me in by the waist as my hands rubbed on his towering chest pinching his nipples from both over and under his shirt.  Then our hands made its way below the waist where he placed my hand on his member and his hands went under my sweat pants above my panty where he played with my clitoris and soothe me by cupping half my face along with words and making “mmming” sounds when he enjoyed my reactions.

Continuing the heat of the moment I unleashed my breasts from the bottom side of the bra as he said he wanted me to cum for him.  But I was scared and paranoid after hours at the gym where I work when his head dropped quickly to lick my nipple in wonderful fashion.  I held onto his bald head for a moment and squirmed for the next.

And in the beauty of this kissing session on the bench, in the dark weight room with one office light on in the corner for slight moonlighting I couldn’t finish what I started and than somehow I got up and went to spot him on the same bench.  I continued to watch him work his ass off while whispering to myself how I need to be on his elite training level.

We broke night, walked many blocks around the chilly city, stared at architectural designs and eventually enjoyed each other’s company and laughter from the heart at a diner eating breakfast.

But that bench, those kisses and him, felt eternal just like the power of the present.

-Pennington

Workout Reflection


She-Ra0                                                               Use the force!

Before I get into this post I want to say that ever since Xanga decided to fuck me by taking away my other Pennington_Hall blog I’ve stopped making my workout log entries.  I never intended to log into WordPress the way I’ve done on Xanga.  For the current moment and until I make a choice on whether or not I want to create a new WordPress for the sole purpose of comfort for now I’ll attempt to find my logging groove back and try it on here tonight.  Hope you enjoy.

Tonight I was very angry.  My trainer Dark Knight stood me up without even notifying me.  Sometimes when you get into tiny dilemmas with the person who’s also your lover, well, things happen.  I’ll work the kinks out within the next few days and I’ll make sure to be a bitch about it to him then.  Still the positive to this downside is it gave me extra fuel to write up my own workout of the night as I kicked each gym member out to close down the gym.

Once the gym lights automatically go out I make sure to get my light-bulb extension and hang it up where I’m going to be stationed and rock this body of mine.

Workout

(In order.  All Supersets between Upper/Lower 4 sets a piece.)

Standing Shoulder Dumbbell Press (Engaging Core/Glutes)
Walking Lunges with Dumbbells
Wide Bicep Curls (E-Z Bar)
Dumbbell Bench Squats (Top of ass grazing the bench)
Push ups (Hand placement wide)
Good Mornings (Medium and narrow stance)
Seated Rows (2 different grips/attachments)
Hip Thrusts (45lb plate)
*Sissy Squats (Bodyweight. 20 reps per set)

Reflection -

I felt good the first few rounds back and forth with Pressing and Walking Lunges.  Of course I pyramid the weight because that’s how I’ve always trained.  By the time I got to the next 2 exercises for Biceps and Bench Squats I was literally dying.   My face was flushed, my head felt like it grew a few inches and was about to explode to the point where I had to take off my headphones to really zero in on each exercise, feel the reps, contraction, movement, along with every sensation my body was letting me in on.  I had to make sure everything was full quality.

Halfway in the workout right after the first 4 exercises I texted my Partner In Crime with, “I don’t know if I can make it to the next 4 exercises and superset them the way I’ve been.  I’m hot and I’m dying.”  And he boosted me with, “I know how you are and that’s not going to stop you from trying.  That’s why you’re the best.”  Never mind the “Keep up the good work,” “You’re hot.  You’re the sexiest bitch around” and “I like when you sweat” and “You’re a turn on baby.  I like the way you make your workouts sound!”  SIMPLY PUT this was all the motivation I needed to keep my fire going.

Despite the fact I was fighting the ill feelings of vomiting throughout, fighting against the A/C not being on once the automatic lights shuts off in the gym, anger from one lover while the other lover quickly boosted my morale, well, things seemed to work out for my training session this evening and I couldn’t ask for more.  I felt peaceful and all my life tensions were going away with each rep.

After I finished up the next 4 and final exercises with the supersets I felt froggy and although I didn’t add any more exercises to my paper besides the 8 I decided to add 80 Sissy Machine Squats.  My body was shaking.  I was thriving.  I was still using anger as fuel and even though I felt dizzier and dizzier during the whole ordeal I just had to give it a bit more.

Plus I’ve been looking for that Sissy Squat machine for over a month and NOW it finally decides to show up.  This was the first time I used it and made sure to work the fuck out of it before even thinking about exiting the gym.  Tonight I’ll YouTube to see the various ways I can use this Sissy Squat Machine.

Happy Training!

-Pennington

Triangles, Love & Questions


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I never had been the type to question myself as much as I do now, now that I’m older and fitting better appropriately to myself each year like a leather glove.  It’s like I want to trip over some imaginary line made out of confusion.  I’m unsure why?  Except that this might have to do with the fact that I’m human?  Still for the life of me I became faithful to writing on paper four simple words (and then some at the age of twelve) “life is too concise” to idly wait and not commit to a straight decision.

I miss the days of being cutthroat, of actually not giving a fuck here and there and in whatever which way.

I’ve always had a fascination with the shapes of triangles that come in the forms of love & romance.  So much so I seek out television shows and novels that have these captivating triangles to suck me in along with my entire will.  So much so that once again I find myself in the middle of two great men.  One is Golden Prince also known as my Partner in Crime who I’ve been in a relationship with for a decade.  Five of those years have been exclusive and completely for him.  The next five years I’ve been dating openly on and off.

The other is Dark Knight also known as the biggest crush I’ve had in the time I’ve existed on this planet.  One year later I finally got him in an odd (but not really) way of how the circle of season came around fully to form and solidify a ring, to deepen the bond that took place long ago.  We’re currently riding the wave of new.  However he comes with his own triangle and he’s in the middle of me and his live-in girlfriend of nearly a decade.

Generally speaking I always want my cake and to be able to eat it too.  (Nevertheless I play fair.)  Golden Prince has allowed me to do both and for this I’m forever grateful.  He’s the first man I’ve ever truly love and I fell in love with him at first sight 10 years ago.  He has my heart and over the decade I’ve been loyal to him in every single way possible (for you monogamous people, well, every way except in this manner at certain times).

Golden Prince can no longer deal with the fact that I’m dating other people and rightfully so being he wants a closed relationship.  I wouldn’t ask him to stay and I don’t expect him to.  I did tell him he could date other people (he refuses).  But more importantly I don’t lie to him and I keep him up to date about everything even when it pains him and in return affects me even when it comes to subtle or not-so-subtle forms of punishment.  The truth is we are at the point where things are unhealthy for the both of us mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  He has lashed out and has poisoned whatever newly found happiness I’ve enjoyed.

It’s already been stated many times how I’m not ready to be monogamous yet (if ever) again.  Now I’m on this journey with Dark Knight and I take all types of pleasure in it very much (although subject to change because we’re still beginning).  But I haven’t given thought to even being monogamous to Knight.  Although we are officially dating.  Aside from this this is far from the whole story but these questions remain and are what follow:  How do I give up my love of 10 years?  Am I making the worst decision of my life?  Continuing to have my cake while the man I devoted a part of my lifetime to slips away in the background?

I’m unable to think clearly because I’ve been restricting my thoughts and time and feelings because I don’t want to prolong the hurt of Golden Prince.  (Yes, he reads my Blogs and Twitter.)  As of right now I can’t tell if I’m actually falling for Dark Knight although I sense a fullness of positivity, bliss, love and satisfaction for my life nowadays.  I’m questioning if it’s even possible to emotionally and mentally love two people at once?  I believe you can physically/sexually love a variety of people. But to be in love with two people at once, is this possible (aside from bearing children)?

In actuality if Golden Prince would stay and allow himself to continue being with me in a nonexclusive relationship I would continue to be devoted and loyal as I’ve always been.  I’d be monogamous in an unconventional way, but monogamous nonetheless because this is what I’ve been doing for the past 5 years now.  (I only date when someone peaks my interest.)  To make it clear I am not choosing Dark Knight over Golden Prince and I’ve even expressed this to Knight since he also knows my situation.  And although I never want to walk away, it seems Golden Prince is taking the leap and being the bigger person to sacrifice our love so my current happiness can be worthwhile.

I mean, how could I not love him?  How could anyone walk away from someone so rare and special?  Regardless of the innumerable resentments, immaturity, lack of life perspective/experience and differences we have and share collectively and individually?

On the flip side:  I feel like maybe this is life’s way of saying that perhaps this decade should move on and if we really are meant to be the universe itself will know exactly what to do to bring us back together again because everything comes full circle.  I believe one of the truths also is none of us knows how to let the other go.

Signing off, Pennington.

There’s Always a First Bad Impression


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I observed you for hours from Friday night straight into Saturday night.

We were vampires forging the time to our destinies. Breaking rules to exceptions with formidable decisions we made a year in advance but never embarked on. God had us in a bubble of safety and the universe gave way to our paths of delight, pleasure and bonding.

Yet I observed how your hand gestures changed from the beginning of light to dark, a defensive mechanism of instinct and worry between deals, friends and men in wall-street suits positioning themselves on corners like the boys in blue. Or how your crinkly grimace became hood, weathered with slight evil vengeance that became unspoken about, how your aura became vicious, distorted on reactions and careless as if I ceased to exist by your hip, how your walk became street as a globetrotting thug.

I know you as the heartwarming, charismatic personal trainer at work. The reserved man. The one everyone loves to fall in love with, the one who goes out his way to brighten and help other people’s day. Mr. Correct, Calm and Collective. The myriad of mysterious demeanor. Where are you and who was I with tonight?

I’m on the other side of the spectrum, noticing your alcohol intake, reloading on shots, no longer coasting like last weekend. I’m to overextend myself and hold you down, play the obedient role, head above water, which doesn’t copy but folds their hands, a well-trained student to remain sober and eye the spectacle of a grieving sloppy man, boisterous, foolish with fuckery, loud and embarrassing. Who are you? I’m picking up on your hints of onion layers now.

Where is that other guy I know?

-Pennington©

Mammoth Crush: Dark Knight 2


Dark Knight

Here’s the first part.

During the months to come I was consumed to have my Dark Knight more than ever because rejection fuels me. The universe fueled me in its spinning axis and I couldn’t find a way to let go. Eventually I decided to embark on a Desire Spell in February on the coming of a new bright moon with hopes and dreams of overcoming this mammoth crush. I rubbed the candle with all my energy, heart and focus. I made love to myself on the floor while menstruating and took the blood and smeared it with our names already inscribed by a knife and chanted my hearts desire over and over again until I felt all was sealed. I ended it off with the most important words: If it’s not meant to be than don’t allow it to ever happen.

In April I thought of Dark Knight, I thought of the desire spell and how it had a year to work. However I transitioned my thinking into more positives and being productive in my waking life all the while burying my emotions for this man. Fast-forward and the summer months zipped by and now I could finally bear to look him in his face without an ounce of feeling washing over me unlike last January when I cried wanting to spend New Year’s with him. Fall was rolling on in quick and just about the same time of year when we spent much time together, the binding circle. By September his attitude changed drastically and he flirted with me in front of others unveiled and freely.

Within long hallways in front of gym members and coworkers he would hug me 3 times in a row, reaching out to grasp my clothing and pull like a kid who whined at mama for attention. This time around his “thanking me’s” were on a rich personal level during my moments of high-intensity cardio and he would randomly text me asking me if I were okay when I posted Facebook statuses of uneasiness or male stalkers. I had tiny wonders about his new stance but knew better than to fall for his hot and coldness. Then one night he kept smiled and looked me deeply in the eyes and said, “I had a dream about you, it was very sensual, and the entire dream had a real big impact on me.”

Once October came about everything changed completely, all the coworkers planned to go to a 5-star restaurant to celebrate the weekend life and when I asked Dark Knight if he was also coming along he stated with his ace of a smile beaming, “If you’re going, I’ll go.” I smiled and once again never took him seriously. But pondered when I got dressed up in an orange floral fitted blouse with a short loose skirt and pointed flats where he stared at me and stood speechless and wanted to say something more but stood on reserve and I in suspense.

In the dim steakhouse restaurant tension was building. Silently I saw my coworkers arguing with the grimaces of whose share the check was as I entertained others while they entertained me. I observed strangers walking by ogling my breasts which sat on the table while I sipped from multiple drinks as Mr. Dark Knight came to sit next to me and came clean about the past and he’s been in denial of his feelings for me for a very long time.

By the time we went to the pizza shop with half the crew we started at the beginning of the night and before the strip club he poured into my eyes with his chocolate almonds profoundly with the talk of if I wanted to get involved without labels while I puffed on a cigarette only to get more of a buzz from his words. I was in total disbelief but said yes.

And in the middle of naked women dancing, crowded room, bass booming, feeding cake, mooning people accidentally with my striped sporty green panty and in between Dark Knight’s clients who wanted to grope my breasts, swiping cards for drinks, drinks and more drinks, engaging in conversations with dirty old men, the best part was holding hands in the back of the cab secretly with Dark Knight away from everyone. The look and smile in his eyes were amazing with a sense of relief.

More barhopping and more drinks later everyone left one by one and it was just me and him vibing, his hand on my thigh, my eyes to the left right and middle of him. We closed down the bars on the blocks and broke night walking the city streets and my drunkenness died. He asked me to spend the night at his house but I knew if I did I would regret it more than if I didn’t. I wanted things to feel right and that didn’t. So on I went home in a cab where he called me and asked me nicely to touch myself while he touched himself. I was so nervous I couldn’t bring myself to an orgasm.

The next day when all the sober lit up my world and the disbelief quiet down until mere disappearance the question became, “Could I get truly involved with someone I idolize?”

P.S.

Should I write more about his story?

-Pennington