OFF

I’ve been feeling removed, sour and aloof.

I’m going through a different phase than what I’m used to.  I’m digesting life as it comes like some 12-Step Program (without the alcohol or drug abuse).  The only thing I’m certain of at this point in time is my over-analyzing of identity and every aspect of existence.  Or even my lack of interest in absolutely everything.  (Not to be confused with naturally acquiring wonderment or curiosity.  These will remain apparent.)

There’s something separated within my being these days and on the opposite end there’s this stretching and growing of my skin.  Probably out?  Then there’s this third degree of:  Where would human beings lie without ever second-guessing?  There’s forever the searching and examining of things.  Questioning.  Evaluating.  Re-evaluating.  It’s a perpetual cycle classified as the norm.  Probably geared to the people who own the most perseverance?  Or bordering on the serious melancholy of being a narcissist, never truly being satisfied?

The only time things become an issue to me is when certain circumstances seeps into my Training.  A strong part of me now feels slightly comfortable to take time off.  It’s something I haven’t done in years.  I become itchy just when I take 7 days off.  So do I have it in me?  The real question is:  In what way do I want to take time away from Training?  Do I continue training certain body parts?  Do I train lagging areas?  Do I decide to take off completely from Training?  And if so, not only how much time?  But,  how do I go about (anxiety-free) wanting to take time off?

Aside from the Training aspect, there’s something much deeper than what’s on the surface when it comes to my eating habits.  I swore two years ago I was verging on a type of eating disorder.  Thanks to perfectionism and calorie-counting.  I made it a point to do my best to regain control last year and made way for something new to experiment:  Fasting.  Of course I loved it because it was doing exactly what I’ve been in denial of not doing:  Not Eating.  I just further not eating, knowing how vital eating is for energy, fuel, metabolism, training, etc.

Yet with the knowledge of nutrition, one may think I’d be smart about things.  But I’m not.  I have issues.  Some of them are as follows:  How am I to fully recover from my training without eating (or eating enough)?  How am I to sustain hard workouts before and during without eating (or eating enough)?  Fuck!  Why am I training SO hard for hours and/or performing multiple workouts a day for if I’m not eating to support it?  Why be overzealous in the meantime?

There’s this (imaginary :D) or very real need to be perfect and anything less is basically refusal on my part.  I like to consider this a flaw in itself, probably stemming from neurosis and other forms of pathology.  So yes, being imperfect or desiring to be perfect are somewhat one in the same, no?  With this vision of perfection comes the many negative voices, quotes, other people’s words that glide like skateboarders in my head:  You’re not working hard enough.  There’s always someone out there who’s training/dieting better, knows more, more talented, better genetics than you.  What about your thyroid?  You’re fooling yourself if you think you’ll get anywhere.

I know I’m not alone in this.  But along the way I trace the steps backwards from every part of my life from then til now.  Of course this leads into my Training and sometimes I want to go back to the beginning, where my road began from losing 50lbs, making sure I’m no longer pre-diabetic, to finding joy/passion in lifting heavy and erase what I thought I knew or even what I knew was the wholehearted truth.  I would like to go back and erase what I thought I could and could not eat.  Live by simpler words:  “Eat Whole Foods” while never having to complicate things ever again.

I would like to go back and erase all the bad habits I picked up on and redo all my habits in a wide range of exercises, building foundation, body language cues, muscle imbalances and posture just to name a few.  I would go back and be gentle, talk with myself and not put my Ego first on the priority list.  I would have listened more to sound people/advice, kicked off my immature/highly cynical attitude and not injure my joints along the adventure.  Now I’m always hurting somewhere.  I have injuries now that seem to have traded with the injuries of the past and vice versa.  I blame it on introducing new and tougher exercises while leaving out the basic, yet most important ones.  So I push through every pain everywhere and well I believe maybe.  Just maaaaaybe I’m deserving of a break?

Still, somewhere within, a hand trembles
slightly confident, opposing and even a bit brittle
says:  But you aren’t in a position to take rest.
You’re on a quest to perform at your best.
There aren’t off days to whittle your middle.
You are not where you’re supposed to be.
With anything less:  What is there to attest?

-Pennington