Over the months, for a little more then half a year I’ve gone through so many different cycles with eating that I should win an award for “best nutrition-emotional-roller-coaster EVER.”
Now I knew the nutrition thing was going to be tough. But I couldn’t imagine it being as tough as how I’ve been creating it for myself. My phases have started from restricted calories, being perfect and never going over not by one number of my calories. I’ve dipped below my calories quite a few times barely making it to 1500 or 1600 for 2 months.
I went through the phase of watching everything I was doing when eating and not eating. I engage in this behavior for so long it was to the point where I wouldn’t bother going out to diners or restaurants with my closest people in my circle.
I went through the phase of only eating bars. Substituting protein bars for every solid meal. And what wind up happening during this phase is feeling weak, fatigue, running on auto-pilot, damaging my energy, continuing through my intense workouts with pounding headaches, close to passing out. Once I dropped my wallet in Duane Reade while waiting on line and didn’t realize it until the cashier was kindly enough to point it out to me! I remember that day clearly, I just finished going through another intense workout with no fuel and close to puking. By the time I went to Duane Reade I was just zone out in a tiredness I’ve never felt in my life. And I guess, during this phase I realize that bars aren’t food and it doesn’t really assist me in much.
I finally reverted back to food. But by this time I wasn’t having any cravings. I was only having 1 cheat day or cheat meal and it wasn’t enough, so I thought. But I was paranoid and being Little Miss Perfect and I wouldn’t do anything to compromise losing half a lb or a full lb a week.
Deep down for me, all this was sweet torture. I found that not having cravings is a horrible thing. Cravings are normal. And with food, people should have them. They put you in balance. They make you healthy. So what happens when you have no cravings?
In my case, when I decided to throw out the restricted calorie diet for an entire month during the summertime (July), not only did I gain 4lbs I lost! But I kept binging on food. I would stock up on eating like I was going to hibernate. I wasn’t enjoying what I was eating by this time. (I’m scared to enjoy food.) I was only eating to eat. And with no cravings, when do you know when it’s time to stop eating? There is no greater force above you! It’s all in your control. All mine.
I’m going through another phase. And this phase is not wanting to eat at all. I still don’t have any have cravings. But no food is appetizing to me at all. (There is one exception: Magnolia Bakery. Due to not having pastries, cakes and pies all my life. So it’s interesting that I enjoy this.) I don’t even enjoy my favorite fast food: White Castle. Not pizza. Not pasta. No tacos. No rice and beans. Absolutely nothing! So why should I eat? What’s the point? I’m tired of eating anyways. I feel like food and calories are all the enemy. I have no idea how all of this have accumulated in the mere 8 months.
And to make matters worse, for me, I’ve plateau under a nutritionist watch for the past 4 months. She failed me consistently. She knew my intensity at which I worked but told me I needed 1700 calories a day. Meanwhile one of my training sessions burns anywhere from 700-1300 during a 4-5 x a week regimen.
So yes, I”m frustrated and want to throw everything that involves nutrition out the window. And besides all the balance, all the chemistry work in my body, the metabolism..I really find no point of eating anymore.
Sounds like I need some help…