I find myself in and out of what I know as: Binge-Eating.
I’m aware there’s a difference between wanting to eat a lot and enjoying what you’re eating. Usually the second can be done at a fine restaurant where you have to show good face and not suck your fingers off and ask the person you’re quite familiar with: “Are you going to eat that?”
I’ve always had a big appetite. Always! From when I could remember around the age of 7, I celebrated when I ate my first 2 Filet-O-Fish sandwiches. *MOM LOOK!!!* By the time 12 of age came I was practically swallowing Double Cheeseburgers and whatever else I could get my hands on. For a long while I was a very picky eater like I wouldn’t eat white rice without ketchup, that sort of thing! But I also fell into a trap of fasting at first, which turn into starvation. I only drank fluids. I never ate nothing solid. Aiming for that perfect body, the 6-pack, which I achieved at a young age. I’m losing track..
As I aged I’ve become greedy with food. And by greedy I mean, there are times when I’ll order lots of food and make sure to eat it ALL of it. An example was last month: I had 2 Double-cheese Burgers, 1 Fish Sandwich Small Fries, some Chicken Nuggets and well, I still wasn’t full. I would have easily ordered some more food, but I had gotten up for the second round already. I didn’t want another funny ass look from the person behind the service desk taking my order. Sometimes these ground rules help me. Not really ground rules, but you get what I mean..right?…
I also do shit like this: Buy a huge bag of my favorite chips (when I’m being naughty or having a cheat day) and make sure to eat the whole bag in one sitting. And I refuse to share. I always tell my friends or folks who are with me to get their own bag, even if it means I have to pay for it.
Binge-eating seems to have a play in my life this past month. Could be winter? Could be depression? Or could be I’m making up for the months when I was an angel on my diet? But I’ve allowed myself to eat what I want to try and make peace with myself and the balance of eating. I’ve hit this phase of eating pretty hard this month, in terms of stocking up and eating and eating. Not necessarily eating every sugary or greasy crap out there. Just filling my belly, as if, I were hibernating soon. I believe, it’s due to me reacting to the 8 months of calorie-counting and dieting. Not having certain foods, telling myself I love veggies and trying to believe I do like eating veggies and eating healthy.
But that’s a lie!
I’m not sure if I’m thinking entirely when I have these episodes of uncontrollable urges for overeating. The times that I DO catch myself thinking I simply say, “I don’t give a fuck!” Surely sometimes depression can trigger this or the day during/after a heavy weight lifting session. But with working out, I can tell if I’m not careful or within self-containing stages, this becomes a form of compensation. This sucks of course because then I feel I have to workout harder throughout the week.
I’ am positively sure I have a classic case of some type of eating disorder, no matter how minuscule it may seem. But I may have been avoiding it. They say being a woman in the Western culture heightens this classic case. Sighs. I hate thinking about even becoming a statistic. For all I know it’s all genetics as plenty of things are. I know how it runs deep in my blood to have all sorts of disorders from mental to emotional…
To be continued…