I Have A Reason



I’m not phony and I don’t pretend to be.

What you see on the surface of this cheeky apple smile, soulful deep brown eyes and Latin curvaceous body isn’t what you’re most likely to get!  I look soft on the outside, but I’m a raging ball of cynic and hate. I smile to hide all the anger, all the hurt, all the pain that takes a bit of my existence to the dark side.  And, you do know how people get soulful eyes, right? All the hurt, all the anger, all the pain, all the shit in the existence you maintain and keep on the planet called Earth.

I’m not one of those people who stands by feeling bad for your glorious self-pity moments. I’m not the person who consoles you knowing damn well YOU were the one who caused all of the problems in your Life.  I’m not the one who’s going to side with you when things get tough for YOU because I know you sit down at night, lay in your bed with dreams and fantasies that will calm your soul and allow you to sleep. I’m not fake. I won’t play a sitcom character in your life.  But I can tell by your words and the straight eye that you are FAKE. Especially when I brighten up your eyes with the god damn TRUTH!

I do not pretend to dislike my family. I do not pretend to act like I secretly love them. I have a reason to not give a fuck in this world about anyone or anything..only if I choose! I have a reason to say, “HEY I never liked my fucking family and I’m fucking proud of it!” How many people you know can say that? Those be the same people to front and go kiss ass with their family later at the family gatherings and stupid fucking holidays. Well, no, my hate’s never changed for them. I’ve practically disowned them. I never had what some would call the Good Life. I never had that GOOD family. This is my fate, these were the cards that were given to me. But you act like you have problems, when they’re all social or all made up in your fucking head. Puh-lease!

Here’s the difference between me and you:  I like generalizing, I enjoy being a cynic, not because it keeps me on guard from the rest of the world. But because when you look all around you, what do you see in the world? Selfish motherfuckin assholes and bitches! How many people look out for themselves first or their families first, their money first, their orgasm first? So, who’s lying to themselves? Me or you?

The other difference between me and you is I don’t want anyone to pity me. See, if I give a shit if you side with me once I tell you the details in my teacup. Why I lift the way I do? Why Training is the only therapy besides writing for me? Yes, I know life has been shitty to me. And it took me a while to comprehend that “yes I can fucking CHANGE it!” I can be happy. I can accept me.  But don’t go thinking I’m something similar to you because chances are I’ am fuckin not!

Once again, the demons crawl at me and try to guilt me into seeing my mother in the hospital. So she’s been repeatedly dying since I was 9 of age. Back then, I used to believe in those television shows and how they portray that YES YOU CAN have the ultimate family life. No, no, no. More fake stuff. TV! I never got along with my mother because she never got along with me. So I can’t forgive and I try to forget. But I’m good at holding grudges just like I’m good at pissing  people off. Now she’s not responding in the hospital. I haven’t seen her in roughly a year. And I rather see her when she’s dead. Maybe, then I’ll go see her and head to her funeral.

And you think, you know me?

Pennington

 

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