I bought a book a few years back entitled:Forgiveness.
I never got pass the first 5 pages of it, sadly. During this time I wanted to focus on a relationship with my faulty biological mother. But that went down the drain as with all her drugs, men, maniac depressive episodes, selective thinking and hearing. I really wanted to work on healing myself as well. Seems my best and worse misery stems directly from the outbursts of my family. (And who isn’t in some form of way or another haunted by turmoil from thy blood?) I’ve come to the realization time and time again, in order for me to truly gain real freedom, I must forgive. But how?
I had a chat last Sunday with a gym member. She’s lovely, wide-eyed, fragile, strong, yet hyperactive just like a 2 year old boy. We got into an epic conversation about Bikram Yoga, The Power of Now, being the Active Watcher to Self in your everyday Life and the struggle of forgiveness. Then we got down and dirty into why our preference just so happens to be: Lifting Weights. And how we weren’t surprised when we both shared the same answers: Anger, Therapy outlet and Empowerment. I lift because I’m angry. I lift because with all the aggression pent up within me, what better way than to use the energy into a rebellion revolution of resistance.
Moving on..getting into another argument tonight with my brother is just another glimpse as to why I have practically chosen to disown my mother. And why he’s next on the shit list because he’s the exact replica of her (minus the drugs and alcohol), despite the insight and wisdom I thought I passed on to him. My intention was never looking to change him. (One can’t change people. But one can plant a seed in a proper direction.) I despise people who are a copy of someone else. There’s only a shadow, not an individual to be found. To thrive on maturity, to come to an endless rollercoaster of comprehension, to figure out all this time I’m starting not to like the person he is. Well, oh, well.
This kid, the epitome of a serial relationship performer who’s 4 years younger texts me to tell me of his new girlfriend, knowing my advice to him was to remain: Single. This same kid treats me as a stranger when he finally gets the nerve to get a job (without my constant help/connections). But who is he crying to and leeching off on like a money tree when he has nothing? I the big Sister/Brother.
I display the acts of faith and face of how I am destined to be: Strong. Yet a ping of vulnerability creeps within me..and it displays the truth in his actions like.. how he never calls me up to ask me: “Hey, how are you doing? How’s your Life?” Or how he shows me my worth by buying me a $4 cup of coffee while spending $ on the females who come and go, knowing he owes me hundreds of dollars. I see all too clearly now. Sometimes one just has to accept the cards you were dealt and do what you wish with them. Whatever makes me feel good, right? (Or wrong?)
Could disowning my family be a part of healing? Could it ever bring the forgiveness I need in order to quench my rage? Maybe. Maybe not. But one of the facts in this FUCK THE FAMILY THING is I gain absolutely NOT ONE benefit from any of these family members. Not a single one. Strangers are nicer and actually DO more for me, which in my Life is the norm. So without a positive to gain through a negative, I see no point in continuing their presence in any shape or form of way within my existence.
It is what is is. No?
Enjoy a song on me. Does anyone remember this jam? 🙂