Quite a few things. Anger being the main ingredient.
Anger is where my strength originates from. I take pride in anger since this emotion has always given me purpose, creativity, courage, the need to destroy, yet rebuild more than any other emotion I’ve ever come across. Other things I draw strength from are: Guts, Determination, Being an Individual, Having Cojones, Having a slight Inferior Complex (probably a Napoleon Complex?), setting a different standard for myself.. not allowing myself to be like the average female stuck within society’s place, being better/smarter/stronger than (some) men, among other things.
From young I always felt like a strong gal.
I think deep within I always had a fighting warrior spirit. Where it came from? I do not know. But I believe it came from the wonders of my intelligence and supernatural confidence. I remember during elementary school I would stick up for others when people would pick on the weaker kids. I guess because I knew I was strong and morally bullying kids for no good reason IS fucking wrong! Plus I knew what it felt like when I got picked on when I was in kindergarten all the way to third grade. I’ll never forget in first grade how it happened and at the same time what I witness. I went to the restroom with two of my stringy first grade friends. We were about to go into the stall. When an eerie aura thick as stress tension appeared instantly. My ears perked up as if my Spidey senses went off and I knew something was about to go down.
Then in all their mightiness these two tall and stocky fifth graders were eying all three of us with a sinister hunger in their face. And out they called to my two stringy friends first and placed them up against the wall nose touching, “Pull down your pants!” I was in back of all of them and in watching.. in fear I froze. I didn’t want anything to happen to my friends. But I couldn’t bring myself to walk. Running out the bathroom felt like a tremendous amount of courage I swore I didn’t have at the age of 6. When they refused to pull their pants down. These fifth graders took it upon themselves and down their pants went, including underwear and exposing my friends rears. I was cringing at this point. I felt powerless. I was just hoping one of the teachers would pick up on the fact that we were taking long. Then these fifth graders started spanking them hard. And the yelps and screams filled the air. And I can’t remember anything else.
I never wanted to feel that way again.
It took some time for me to build up more guts and courage to fight strangers. But once I became acquainted with a third-grader who paid it forward by fighting most of my battles I knew I had to make a decision as soon as she told me she wouldn’t always be around to fight ALL my struggles. Well, I made a name for myself by beating up a boy in fourth-grade in the cafeteria. Then by the time I got into junior high the rest was history. Let’s just say the Dean knew me by first name basis. And none of my teachers bothered me because I’d send a book flying in their direction. Anger issues much? Certainly! 😉
Anger was and still is the only thing that has never let me down.
And with this, I channeled most of my energy through building up more physical and mental strength. The more strength I received and felt comfortable with the more courage I had when it came to everything, especially sticking up to one of my child molesters. He stopped fucking with me after I threw a VHS tape at his face and threatened him with a screwdriver I was holding in hand when I was 12. Then I had to ward off grown cousins who liked to pick on my weak chubby brother. It was worth getting black eyes to defend what was/is right for what I believed in. My physical strength came in pure enjoyment when I was heavily into wrestling around the age of 14-16. I played wrestling with the neighborhood guys and my bro. I would go on to body-slamming these guys who were 2-3 times my size. All this seem to pay off as I get off nowadays on Lifting. I wouldn’t have it any other way.
And all this from a whole world of circumstance and anger.