I’ve done a lot of maturing over the years. So much that it surprises me everyday. I look at the mirror, stare long and hard as I’m about to lose a staring contest and ask myself, “Who are you?” I endure all these diverse moods as a part of who I am. Quite contradictory at times. But the flow and unbecoming is going exactly how it’s meant to says the inquisitive part of my being. I’ve always mention to the folks I come across in my life how I love aging! Aging is more/less a state of mind for me. Every year I grow to understand my views, dissect them and have a clarity as to what makes me different.
Just to throw an example of one of my awareness bouts: I have a tendency to try and be friends with someone, until I can’t take it anymore. I finally have come to the realization on why I don’t have any friends. It’s because I have a problem accepting stupid people. I tend to look at people like the dirt on my shoe. But it’s because I keep standards so lofty that if you aren’t on my wavelength of things, why would I deal with you/them? And because of this I have now blacklisted just about everyone in my life, including family.
On to other things like:
Why I don’t get straight men and why don’t they get me?
When most men look at me they tell me I’m hot, I’m different, I have a fire in my eyes that can’t be turned down. And sometimes I tell them straight out or think to myself, Thanks for telling me upfront that you want to fuck me. But really I don’t give a shit. Save it for the Heterosexual woman who does. When I talk with men, when they’re done falling in love with my face, apple chunky cheeks and breasts.. they fall in love with my voice. When I speak how I normally speak: nice (with every person I meet, regardless of gender), they confuse my kindness with flirting and in their minds they automatically believe they have a chance to fuck me. It helps that my face comes off so darn innocent..they become embedded to the idea that I’m somehow naive. Now, I don’t get any of this!
When I find a man attractive and even when its getting to the point where I would and could have sex with him. What makes me think that 1. I’m going to take it there and 2. He’s automatically going to allow me to fuck him or 3. That he would want to fuck me back? Most straight men I’ve met in my personal life are both stupid and oddly chaotic to me. I now am fully aware why I don’t find Heterosexual men appealing AT ALL. Not in the way they approach me, not in the way they talk, not in the way they flirt, not in the way they eye-fuck me, not in the way they play games, not in the straight horny male jokes they pledge like allegiance.
I now understand more thoroughly why the last men I’ve asked out on dates were Gay men. Of course I didn’t know that they were Gay. But, turned out all 6 of those guys were! They naturally have a flair and an aura about them I find both comfortable and appealing.
Last weekend I had a conversation with a straight man who finds me, hate to say it, attractive. I call him Mr. Photographer. I remember meeting him in the gym and he would call me something in Spanish because I’m Spanish, right. And I never heard the word before Hermosa. Later he told me it means, Beautiful. The funny thing is to me he looks like a human Praying Mantis, seldom-looking, long and leggy with the whimsical method of how he strolls. I bet he would never truly flat out ask me if I find him as beautiful as he finds me. Hm. Now he came to visit one of my gym locations and I told him of a story about a month ago with a guy I went out on a date with. And what he does? –> He automatically does the Straight Male Talk (which comes from the Heterosexual perspective):
That was your fault!
My fault? How you figure?
Because no one told you to be nice, give him the benefit of doubt and go out with him on a date. You can’t tell me you didn’t know he was interested in you.
That’s complete bullshit! And interested in me. Of course he is. But he didn’t have any right taking me to dinner, movies only to offer me $200 dollars and negotiate my sex on our first fucking hang out.
But you have to understand something. Men only want sex. That’s it. Men do not deal with women they don’t want to sleep with.
Excuse me if I want to give men the benefit of the doubt. Excuse me for trying to believe in humanity for one second. That not all are looking to fuck me in the end. That they could possibly contain themselves like I can. It still doesn’t make it right what he did.
Obviously, he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from. Neither does most straight men when I speak with them. All they’re busy catering to are their illusions and fantasies of how I must be in bed because I talk so openly about sex in general terms. To make things worse is that it’s a Hetereosexual way of thinking and living in the Western World. I cannot stand it! I can’t even stand Straight woman because of this. Why are people so scared to open their minds and allow themselves to be free from the chains and bondage of the West?
I don’t get it. You don’t like Straight Men. But you like gay men. They don’t want to have sex with you.
Exfuckingactly! I don’t want any man finding me attractive. This is not what I live for. Who cares if they find me attractive? I don’t. I’d like to engage in some conversations about books, the art, human psychology, but sex. No! I love gay men because they don’t want to have sex with me. How many times do I have to explain this to you?
He just looks at me as weird as I look at him.