Even The Best Can Break Down!

This is personal.  So skip this if you always expect moi to maintain her strong-ness working at an optimum level of 110%.  

Firstly, I dedicate this Post to @WriteWendy.  Also her Org and Tumblr .  Entirely because she’s honest and raw with her own Life and I’m taking a page out her book and releasing a moment to do the same simply because she greatly inspires me.  Thanks Wendy with all my muscle fibers, heart and soul.

Yesterday I decided to do the impossible and visit my dying mother in the hospital.  Heading over there all I could feel was a bundle of heightened anxiety in the pit of my stomach that felt just like when I threaten juniors to fight in the cafeteria.  I’ve always been about entertainment in one way or another.  But seeing my mother isn’t delighting in the least.  It’s fucking devastating!  So much so that when I look into her face all I want to do is break down and cry.  There are many many reminders.

I haven’t seen her in a year.  It’s partly punishment.  It’s partly about keeping my entire sanity intact.  I heard my mother gasp in surprise as the nurse told her your daughter is here as she was changing in her personal bathroom.  I don’t know why (except that maybe the nurse was taken aback by my mother’s expression), but I felt compelled to tell the nurse I haven’t seen my mother in a long time.  Naturally she asked, “Do you live far?”  No, it’s just we really don’t get along.

For a moment she changed my loathsome perception of nurses with what she had to say:  We only have one mother.  Sometimes when people act harsh and angry, especially when they’re sick.  It’s because they believe nobody loves them.  They want somebody to take care of them and be there for them.  Don’t you notice when you give them love they are much calmer? Whatever she did to you as a kid, leave it there.  Come by and visit often.

When I finally saw my mom, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t recognize her face.  I tried my hardest to cover the grimace but she caught it through my stricken eyes, I know I gained a lot of weight, right?  My reply:  A little.  I analyzed her face and it seems like someone stuffed two vineyard tomatoes under her cheeks how they flourish in furious mush.  I was heartbroken. 😦

Then I roamed my eyes to her hair and many of her strands were gray.  And I’m not sure what it was about youth or age or the past to present or what contradictions within me lied with wanting to run out and buy her a black tint so she can cover them?  I’m not used to seeing my mother succumb to weakness or being anything less than what she is now.  She’s a pretty good trooper with a million disguises putting politicians to shame.  And for her not to hide in plain sight just made me feel awful as I wanted to do it for her.  Jeweled travesties.  Make sense?

Mother and I chatted for what seem like a brief moment where when she decided to lay down on her bed she told me:  I missed you so much.  I haven’t seen you in a long time.  During this little time I had to reflect between what she said and what I felt with her asking me where my brother (her favorite) is and why has she never come out with the courage to tell me just how hard her ill existence is?  She grabbed out for my hand, held it and fell right to sleep.  I stuck around for a little while, wrote a note as to not wake her and thanked the nurse for being so welcoming.

But as soon as I left her room, I managed to get lost in the hospital.  I swear it was a metaphor for how I was feeling at that moment.  Before I stepped foot outside I saw a neon flashing sign: FOOD! I looked over the menu, reaching into my pockets to buy anything to shove my fucked up emotions down.  I didn’t.  I had a semi-long walk to the train station and before I made it.  I walked into 3 different food stores (including a pizza shop) just to browse food while each and everyone of them were offering their services.  Fucking gluttons! 😉

Holding back tears, thinking to myself:  How does all the parties, all the drugs, all the fun my entire family has ever had in life come down to letting go of life and losing absolutely everything in return?  How?  But I know the answers.  I know why I’m cynical.  But in the end it’s not the end.  Yet the somewhat happy ending concluded with sucking up the emotional guts to visit my mother and finally make it home successfully with healthy and whole foods from the market.



Sex With Him: Word Porn!

Timeless, sexual tension, yielding, workouts, making love, beastly, kissing frenzy, 4 and a half hour marathon, fierce, rough, sweat profusion, starry-eyed dramatization, leg-trembling, compressed, fast, rough, sensual, pain, pleasure, aero-bed, mushroom head, mutual masturbation, before – after – during questions, moan-galore, flexibility, countless positions, restless, continuous, werewolf glow, gentle, aggressive hands, ripples of muscle, purple, ram, frozen, shy, vulnerable, open, honest, six-pack abs, blurry, learning, breathing into and out of each other, grunt, secret mourn, guilt, brief, yearn, affectionate, fucking, profanity, name-yelling, God included, face-caressing, erotic, bang cervix, sick, infected, addictive, chemistry, breaths of desire fire.


“Empty Stomach Reality”

It’s amazing what an injury or two and some good recovery time can do for anyone.

It’s even more interesting what time unfolds when the spirit is enlighten by what’s behind the eyes of the mind.  During the course of a plain, yet therapeutic Summer I decided to auto-suggest through inscribed poetry just how I fancy to readily starve myself as a form of strict(er) discipline and vital observation.  Mostly psychological since I’m starting to believe balance may be overrated?  And by the time Fall came I dove frighteningly into the unknown:  Fasting.

What was it about not eating I feared the most?  How come it took me months to convince myself all will be okay after long inspection over a span of different sources?  Did I not have faith in my self?  Sure I did.  But I was skeptical about insulin spikes, cortisol rising after not eating 4-5 hours, starvation mode, hitting some kind of plateau and in the process losing hard earn muscle I worked my ass for.  In the end of the over-analyzing phase I rose above it as quickly as some stranger’s verbal abuse.

And even though I thought:  Can anyone actually be prepared to Fast?  Truth be told, who’s prepared to do anything in Life?  Sometimes one absorbs things by constant studies as others discover knowledge only through difficult adversity.  Either way, one has to learn how to take a punch or roll with the punches while you smile with a heart of gold and never leave your prized precise intuition at home.  But to brand your mark on everything, no?

I suppose all this fret had to surface before I could decide to take it as it comes.  Needless to say my first Fasting experience was a breeze despite the mammoth headache I underwent the next day which more than likely had to do with the fact my body was going through withdrawal from a daily abundance of caffeine.

It behooves me to point out the mere fact that there are millions of people around the globe who never reach the degree of abstaining nor disciplining themselves in the ways of zero pleasure.  Oh, the many reasons why we devour and savor our love for colorful pills, fancy glistening food packages that catch our eyes from a naughty distance, mouth sex with our drinks we call comfort with a daily dose of whatever-have-you’s of supreme pleasures no matter how fictitious or original the illusion may be when we tread enchantingly on helium brain clouds.

Once pleasure (in any form) is subtracted from your everyday life, I guarantee the background static noise one was trying to escape from will come double or triple in force.  Some people call this a Life crisis (at some point).  I call this an Avoidance of Life.  Ever wonder what happens when you’re not busy ignoring Life?  What senses were blocked but suddenly comes shooting alive again?  Would you dare to challenge yourself to abstain from not only simple pleasures but the deep dark seeds cradling your soul?  How long would you do it for?  A week?  One month or maybe six?  If not, get on my level and email me about what you learned about yourself later. 😉

Anyhow, when I first dared to abstain from pleasure in my life for a little while.  I went straight to Sex first.  My thought questions were simple:  Why am I having sex?  Is it done out of love, out of habit or because society tells me I must engage in sex?  What is natural sex and does it exist?  My month to month self-examination went well and some questions became answered while others have gone unanswered to this day.

Still some things I learned was just how adamant a person’s sexual energy or arousal level was when they walked into the room.  Sometimes their entire presence became like a bully, completely overbearing.  And during this time I despised people who were solely about sex, whether it was a friendly conversation turn provocative or whether it was/is the only center of focus in their life.  Everything from the billboards on Times Square, patiently waiting for Train on a sex-filled poster platform and listening to every scandalous lyric sex song just made it clear how disgusting these marketing tools are used to fuel everyone’s curiosity and obsession about sex again and again and again.

Then came the Nutrition part.  My only true thought was:  How do I go about detoxing my taste buds?  How do I get it to a natural state of bland without having ever done it before in my life?  Could I do this alone without a nutritionist or coach?  How long will it take?  Will this make me a better person?  And slowly, but surely I knew what it was to be able to disregard taste and all of it’s chemical friends while Fast Food Nation became my everyday study bible.

Now to get back to the full point of the subject here:  It’s dangerously strange what NOT eating can do for your way of Life.  Now I know Fasting isn’t for everyone.  However I could also say the same about the endless Diets I believe mocks the world and ourselves if you allow it.  I mean, does it not bother the millions of stupid people:  How the Fitness & Diet industry make billions solely based on that very same stupidity?  Hah!  Then my thought questions came about more like this:  Do I want to be considered a Professional Dieter?  Do I want to be consumed by Calorie Counting forever?  Do I really want to build acid in my stomach because I must eat every 2-3 hours?  Or could I do something entirely different?

And I present to you the benefits of what Fasting has done for me.  And of course you can make up your own mind and fit in your very own valid equations.  However since this post was longer than what I expected it’s..

To be continued…