Even The Best Can Break Down!

This is personal.  So skip this if you always expect moi to maintain her strong-ness working at an optimum level of 110%.  

Firstly, I dedicate this Post to @WriteWendy.  Also her Org and Tumblr .  Entirely because she’s honest and raw with her own Life and I’m taking a page out her book and releasing a moment to do the same simply because she greatly inspires me.  Thanks Wendy with all my muscle fibers, heart and soul.

Yesterday I decided to do the impossible and visit my dying mother in the hospital.  Heading over there all I could feel was a bundle of heightened anxiety in the pit of my stomach that felt just like when I threaten juniors to fight in the cafeteria.  I’ve always been about entertainment in one way or another.  But seeing my mother isn’t delighting in the least.  It’s fucking devastating!  So much so that when I look into her face all I want to do is break down and cry.  There are many many reminders.

I haven’t seen her in a year.  It’s partly punishment.  It’s partly about keeping my entire sanity intact.  I heard my mother gasp in surprise as the nurse told her your daughter is here as she was changing in her personal bathroom.  I don’t know why (except that maybe the nurse was taken aback by my mother’s expression), but I felt compelled to tell the nurse I haven’t seen my mother in a long time.  Naturally she asked, “Do you live far?”  No, it’s just we really don’t get along.

For a moment she changed my loathsome perception of nurses with what she had to say:  We only have one mother.  Sometimes when people act harsh and angry, especially when they’re sick.  It’s because they believe nobody loves them.  They want somebody to take care of them and be there for them.  Don’t you notice when you give them love they are much calmer? Whatever she did to you as a kid, leave it there.  Come by and visit often.

When I finally saw my mom, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t recognize her face.  I tried my hardest to cover the grimace but she caught it through my stricken eyes, I know I gained a lot of weight, right?  My reply:  A little.  I analyzed her face and it seems like someone stuffed two vineyard tomatoes under her cheeks how they flourish in furious mush.  I was heartbroken. 😦

Then I roamed my eyes to her hair and many of her strands were gray.  And I’m not sure what it was about youth or age or the past to present or what contradictions within me lied with wanting to run out and buy her a black tint so she can cover them?  I’m not used to seeing my mother succumb to weakness or being anything less than what she is now.  She’s a pretty good trooper with a million disguises putting politicians to shame.  And for her not to hide in plain sight just made me feel awful as I wanted to do it for her.  Jeweled travesties.  Make sense?

Mother and I chatted for what seem like a brief moment where when she decided to lay down on her bed she told me:  I missed you so much.  I haven’t seen you in a long time.  During this little time I had to reflect between what she said and what I felt with her asking me where my brother (her favorite) is and why has she never come out with the courage to tell me just how hard her ill existence is?  She grabbed out for my hand, held it and fell right to sleep.  I stuck around for a little while, wrote a note as to not wake her and thanked the nurse for being so welcoming.

But as soon as I left her room, I managed to get lost in the hospital.  I swear it was a metaphor for how I was feeling at that moment.  Before I stepped foot outside I saw a neon flashing sign: FOOD! I looked over the menu, reaching into my pockets to buy anything to shove my fucked up emotions down.  I didn’t.  I had a semi-long walk to the train station and before I made it.  I walked into 3 different food stores (including a pizza shop) just to browse food while each and everyone of them were offering their services.  Fucking gluttons! 😉

Holding back tears, thinking to myself:  How does all the parties, all the drugs, all the fun my entire family has ever had in life come down to letting go of life and losing absolutely everything in return?  How?  But I know the answers.  I know why I’m cynical.  But in the end it’s not the end.  Yet the somewhat happy ending concluded with sucking up the emotional guts to visit my mother and finally make it home successfully with healthy and whole foods from the market.




8 thoughts on “Even The Best Can Break Down!

  1. The only question I have is why hold back the tears…? They are sweat of discontent. What matters most, good or bad, is that you saw her.

    I have a similar relationship with my ailing father – I don’t seem him often and he’s not too far away. He was not into drugs or partying. He was simply into the idea he had of me — without ever getting to know the real me. Even now he has no clue who I am.

    I forgive him in hopes my daughter will sometime forgive me for my mistakes. And so it goes…


    1. Roy, it’s very hard. I did shed some tears last night in the house away from strangers. But I haven’t openly bawled. It’s been a long time. I didn’t say I miss her back when she said it. It was something that I went to see her, regardless, as you stated.

      I can also relate to the idea of how my own mother has her own ideals as how she wanted me to be FOR HER as a daughter. I was to be her caretaker crucified by her guilt and her incurable illness. But it was just all to consuming and damaging. She has no idea who I am either. Only notions.

      I think rather than trying to forgive her so much. I must forgive the little gal in me and grow..more. Thanks for your comment Roy and Wendy.


  2. This post is beautiful. You’ve fought so hard to channel the hand you’ve been dealt, yet you still manage to maintain both your soul and your grace! I have very few role-models in this twisted world. You’re one of them my strong, kind & compassionate friend. Love, Wendy


    1. I’m so honored Wendy, you no idea! Thank you. Thanks for opening up and allowing the world to come inside and get to know you. Not a shell. But you! Your being honest and open about your personal life has allowed me to do the same right here on my blog where lots of people read. I mean, I want to run and hide. I hate being vulnerable to the world even for one second. But you give me strength and courage beyond what I could imagine. You are also a top role-model of mine. 😀


  3. Powerful blog!!

    I, as many have, had to experience my mother’s decline as the cancer ran its course. After the chemo, she became very sweet, but far from the real mother that I had known for so long. Remembering her for the better times is the best choice I can make.

    Life has no plan, it just is. Dealing with it, for good or ill, is what we do.


    1. Wow. I’m sorry to hear this. Living life with a parent who’s in that position of fading is really difficult. It’s hard for others to understand if they’re not living through it. I feel you. *hugs* And thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment. 🙂


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