Monthly Archives: March 2012

Seeking Comfort: As If The Orgasm Will Ease Her Troubles.

(for Karen)

I don’t want to play it cool.
I don’t want to kiss you.
I don’t want the smell of your saliva on my neck.
In the back of my head I want some head.
But I rather settle and rub:
Fabric to fabric.
Come on and show me some love.
I need 4 minutes on earth.
I could have the rest in heaven.
I want worth in sensation.
But without guilt, without curse.
I know my boyfriend is in jail.
And he doesn’t need to know.
Let’s go with the flow,
While I cum on my panties like snow.


Have Some Respect For The Craft Will Ya?

“Is anyone afraid or disheartened?
He should go back to his house,
or he might cause the heart of
his comrades to melt like his own.”

I have a friend who sometimes acts more like an associate depending on the many Subjects of Life.  (Who doesn’t?)  I want to know if anyone of you guys have a friend like this in your life:   The kind, who, in their own way means well on those aspects of life which you two AGREE upon.  But on the same token, their persona gets in the way of what it is you actually live everyday for.  In my case:  Training. 😉

Every once in a while he’ll invite himself (lately) or I invite him (usually says “no” because he’s lazy when it comes to physical labor of any kind.  Probably why he has a desk job?) to the Gym.  Things always start out well.  But he criticizes exercises, programs (like my current one) and even the amount of effort that must be put in to Lifts, at times.  And I can relate to this last thing whereas I’ve done it periodically myself:  He’ll like an exercise up until the point where I have to come over, whisper in his ear so he doesn’t feel embarrassed around others on how his form is off or shy of being completed.

But by far the thing I hate the most (probably because most men I’ve trained with or trained tend to be this way) is when he has to throw his ego into the lifting session by making absolutely sure he’s piling extra weight on the barbell or dumbbells, (even if it’s just 5-10lbs) for the sole purpose of beating me with numbers.

Rather than making this shit about me, I rather it be about the respect for fitness altogether whether it’s the process of a lift or the exercise itself.  Rather than get the basics of the deadlift form or heed my advice on how not to go about hurting himself, all he sees is the amount I’m doing (which isn’t heavy in my book at all: 145lbs) and how he has to go over it!  This has been this way for a fucking decade.

I told myself as long as he doesn’t increase the weight I’ll do him a favor (which isn’t a favor at all, just being spiteful) and let him believe he somewhat can handle the form of Deadlifting.  Second set came and he performed the same numbers.  Third set comes around and he has to stack 20lbs over.  During this time he was being overly confident and decides to ask, “How much you think my Max is?”

I didn’t give him full encouragement of any kind.  I kept it at the 200lb range for someone who prefers mall-walking to going to the gym to grind life and aggression the fuck out.  What he does?  Stacks 2 45lb plates to 3 plates.  With those 6 plates altogether there was no lift off and he could have really injured himself.  I can say I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him on my watch.  But, who am I fooling?  He fucking deserves it with his foolishness.

Ultimately my thing is I would like it very much if he and if anyone one of you know someone who has an aspect of their life they’re completely in love and infatuated with to just respect them and what it is they consider to be a craft from their heart and passion.  Don’t ruin it for them because that’s not what being a friend is about.  Plus it speaks of a character who displays contempt for what the other person does.

It’s hard to find someone who puts forth every bit of their being into something they truly enjoy.  But it’s even harder for the outside person who owns no passion but absolute bitterness to the world outside them and within to watch someone put their passion into their craft.  Of course it’s an envy thing.  How many people do you hear of loving exactly what it is they do in Life?  Not many.

Training is to abide what is true to you/me above all (and many times over anyone).  For a person to disregard a certain type of lifestyle in any form of way becomes an elite asshole for as long as I shall live and beyond.

Simple as that.


Just Roll With It: Love?

I’ve done the taking back of my emotional loyalty, which is definitely not to be confused with emotional outbursts.  These outbursts are what has long been the breaking points of dealing with the same person day in and day out without any true change in behaviors.

Think stone cold resentment.

Can a person forgive and forget?
Or do they only choose to forgive?
As they lie on their back completely open
With regrets on never forgetting?

What about the snaky image?  The pesky perception you can’t drive, not even to bump over the road?  Is this the smell of fear?  The rotten insecurities that halt your progress of personal growth and wanting to make it all up to the person you can’t live without?

I don’t speak of I silly.  Of you.

But it’s that conversation I start, the same exact about you.
Where I ask you something like, “What steps are you taking to achieve what need be?”
And you respond with three words:  “What about you?”
With the snakebite of defense mechanism.

The bitching, the moaning, the nonstop bickering.  It’s never over anything significant.  I hear the same old.  There isn’t anything at the least bit striking, but the same old.  So he doesn’t like the men or boys I play with regularly in my life.  Yet makes the same jokes, opening the same wounds with those exact men in my life.

There’s nothing humorous about pain.
Not the lies.  Not the cover.

Wanting to believe what comes out a person’s mouth is as simple as the action executed.

What’s to say about the anti-social person, who must learn how to deal and communicate with someone who has already covered a lot of ground experience?

There are some people who get mad at themselves for being in a relationship too long.  I know how this feels.  But the remedy is in learning the mistakes you made yesterday are for a better place in a wiser tomorrow.



I’ve been feeling removed, sour and aloof.

I’m going through a different phase than what I’m used to.  I’m digesting life as it comes like some 12-Step Program (without the alcohol or drug abuse).  The only thing I’m certain of at this point in time is my over-analyzing of identity and every aspect of existence.  Or even my lack of interest in absolutely everything.  (Not to be confused with naturally acquiring wonderment or curiosity.  These will remain apparent.)

There’s something separated within my being these days and on the opposite end there’s this stretching and growing of my skin.  Probably out?  Then there’s this third degree of:  Where would human beings lie without ever second-guessing?  There’s forever the searching and examining of things.  Questioning.  Evaluating.  Re-evaluating.  It’s a perpetual cycle classified as the norm.  Probably geared to the people who own the most perseverance?  Or bordering on the serious melancholy of being a narcissist, never truly being satisfied?

The only time things become an issue to me is when certain circumstances seeps into my Training.  A strong part of me now feels slightly comfortable to take time off.  It’s something I haven’t done in years.  I become itchy just when I take 7 days off.  So do I have it in me?  The real question is:  In what way do I want to take time away from Training?  Do I continue training certain body parts?  Do I train lagging areas?  Do I decide to take off completely from Training?  And if so, not only how much time?  But,  how do I go about (anxiety-free) wanting to take time off?

Aside from the Training aspect, there’s something much deeper than what’s on the surface when it comes to my eating habits.  I swore two years ago I was verging on a type of eating disorder.  Thanks to perfectionism and calorie-counting.  I made it a point to do my best to regain control last year and made way for something new to experiment:  Fasting.  Of course I loved it because it was doing exactly what I’ve been in denial of not doing:  Not Eating.  I just further not eating, knowing how vital eating is for energy, fuel, metabolism, training, etc.

Yet with the knowledge of nutrition, one may think I’d be smart about things.  But I’m not.  I have issues.  Some of them are as follows:  How am I to fully recover from my training without eating (or eating enough)?  How am I to sustain hard workouts before and during without eating (or eating enough)?  Fuck!  Why am I training SO hard for hours and/or performing multiple workouts a day for if I’m not eating to support it?  Why be overzealous in the meantime?

There’s this (imaginary :D) or very real need to be perfect and anything less is basically refusal on my part.  I like to consider this a flaw in itself, probably stemming from neurosis and other forms of pathology.  So yes, being imperfect or desiring to be perfect are somewhat one in the same, no?  With this vision of perfection comes the many negative voices, quotes, other people’s words that glide like skateboarders in my head:  You’re not working hard enough.  There’s always someone out there who’s training/dieting better, knows more, more talented, better genetics than you.  What about your thyroid?  You’re fooling yourself if you think you’ll get anywhere.

I know I’m not alone in this.  But along the way I trace the steps backwards from every part of my life from then til now.  Of course this leads into my Training and sometimes I want to go back to the beginning, where my road began from losing 50lbs, making sure I’m no longer pre-diabetic, to finding joy/passion in lifting heavy and erase what I thought I knew or even what I knew was the wholehearted truth.  I would like to go back and erase what I thought I could and could not eat.  Live by simpler words:  “Eat Whole Foods” while never having to complicate things ever again.

I would like to go back and erase all the bad habits I picked up on and redo all my habits in a wide range of exercises, building foundation, body language cues, muscle imbalances and posture just to name a few.  I would go back and be gentle, talk with myself and not put my Ego first on the priority list.  I would have listened more to sound people/advice, kicked off my immature/highly cynical attitude and not injure my joints along the adventure.  Now I’m always hurting somewhere.  I have injuries now that seem to have traded with the injuries of the past and vice versa.  I blame it on introducing new and tougher exercises while leaving out the basic, yet most important ones.  So I push through every pain everywhere and well I believe maybe.  Just maaaaaybe I’m deserving of a break?

Still, somewhere within, a hand trembles
slightly confident, opposing and even a bit brittle
says:  But you aren’t in a position to take rest.
You’re on a quest to perform at your best.
There aren’t off days to whittle your middle.
You are not where you’re supposed to be.
With anything less:  What is there to attest?