Just Roll With It: Love?

I’ve done the taking back of my emotional loyalty, which is definitely not to be confused with emotional outbursts.  These outbursts are what has long been the breaking points of dealing with the same person day in and day out without any true change in behaviors.

Think stone cold resentment.

Can a person forgive and forget?
Or do they only choose to forgive?
As they lie on their back completely open
With regrets on never forgetting?

What about the snaky image?  The pesky perception you can’t drive, not even to bump over the road?  Is this the smell of fear?  The rotten insecurities that halt your progress of personal growth and wanting to make it all up to the person you can’t live without?

I don’t speak of I silly.  Of you.

But it’s that conversation I start, the same exact about you.
Where I ask you something like, “What steps are you taking to achieve what need be?”
And you respond with three words:  “What about you?”
With the snakebite of defense mechanism.

The bitching, the moaning, the nonstop bickering.  It’s never over anything significant.  I hear the same old.  There isn’t anything at the least bit striking, but the same old.  So he doesn’t like the men or boys I play with regularly in my life.  Yet makes the same jokes, opening the same wounds with those exact men in my life.

There’s nothing humorous about pain.
Not the lies.  Not the cover.

Wanting to believe what comes out a person’s mouth is as simple as the action executed.

What’s to say about the anti-social person, who must learn how to deal and communicate with someone who has already covered a lot of ground experience?

There are some people who get mad at themselves for being in a relationship too long.  I know how this feels.  But the remedy is in learning the mistakes you made yesterday are for a better place in a wiser tomorrow.


2 thoughts on “Just Roll With It: Love?

  1. Forgive the long comment but it fits — I think. I hate love. I no longer believe in love. Yet at the end of th day, it’s all I crave. This was my final letter to my fiance, Patti, of 6 years who I lived with for the last 2. I never loved more, or tried harder for anyone.

    For the sake of the story, John and Amy mentioned at the end are Patti’s ex-husband and his new wife. Tim is Patti’s brother. KK is her oldest daughter. Hailey is the youngest daughter. The cooking pasta was when I spent 11 hours on my 50th birthday helping KK cook prom dinner for 22 kids.

    Patti’s response to this email was and voice mail saying, “I’m really sorry. I did the best I could. I wish youu could hang in there for 2 more years.”


    I have never been so hurt.

    The last few days have been exceptionally heavy for me. After I saw you Saturday, I got so depressed at the finality of what I already knew was final, and so drunk that I drank my way through Sunday — into Monday, and slept through my entire day. I spent Monday night on the phone in absolute tears apologizing to the 9 clients I skipped with no notice. I told them I was distraught over my Dad. That was a lie.

    Tuesday and today were new days. I was going to turn the corner, accept my new destiny, and start life anew – which I have been trying to do since your daughters broke us up in May. I have not had a drink since Monday at 2am. When I saw you Saturday I asked that you just give me a couple of weeks of no contact — so that I can just get my mind back together after agreeing to not even be friends. You agreed to this. Tonight I get a text that you “miss your best friend”.

    I only wish you missed me enough to make things right with your family — to tell them that YOU, not they, have the right to choose your husband. That it’s okay to be engaged now and to have me over for dinner and go to their games. To remind them that I was as good as I could be to them during our entire relationship. I kept to myself. I tried to fade into the background. I helped when asked for help, but never offered my opinion unsolicited — NEVER! I gave Tim and KK keys to my studio with no strings. I was always kind, never poked my nose in their business and worked 24/7 so your entire family could see how good I treated you — like a Princess and beyond. I made lunches for your daughters and for you for the two years we lived together. Despite my work schedule I cooked dinner most nights, kept up the yard, was sole care taker of our four pups, and always paid when we all went out to eat. I sat in the back seat of the car when went anywhere with Hailey.

    In exchange I got stared at relentlessly by Hailey, ignored by both, begrudged by both, and used to cook pasta all day long on my birthday for KK’s prom dinner when I had other plans. A week later she told Noemi how much she hated me and that she contemplated accusing me of rape to get me out of your life. My god, what would have happened if she had really done that…? And when all the parents showed up for the prom dinner pictures, you lectured me about the way I was dressed. I was dressed for the beach and never had a chance to change once KK’s crisis set in. I was always there when asked or needed — ALWAYS. I gave up my Jeep for your daughter. I gave away all my furniture, all my ktichen stuff, my stereo, my beds, everything I own when you asked me to move in.

    If you miss your best friend, sit down with your family and remind them of them of all of this. If you miss your best friend, let them know they owe me an apology for the last 6 years, and especially for the last 2. I treated everyone with kindness, respect and appreciation. At best, I was ignored. At worst I was treated like a disease, and used again and again. I wonder why they never treated Amy this way…. Not the least of it is that John would never have put up with it. You did. He wasn’t “allowed” to get married, hetold them he was getting married. You let them have control of the largest decision you will ever make. They now have that power over you for life. I’m sick.

    Before you reply to this and tell me that I’m all wrong, and justify why things went they way they did, or say “I did the best I could”, I want you to re-read this, sentence by sentence and tell me a single word of it — one single word was not true. Nothing written here is untrue — nothing.

    You told me every day that I was the best partner in the world and that you were so grateful. Well, only half of that was true.


    1. Very interesting. I’m not sure if I should still send an email with my thoughts and questions about this comment you left. But, is it this experience that has made you feel as if love doesn’t exist despite the time and effort invested?


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