Every once in a blue moon when I see my mammoth crush’s avi change on Facebook I go onto his page like a curious cat waiting to see what mysteries unfold in a blink of an eye. I wonder what he’s been up to as my heart pounds like it desires to die and somewhere within the commotion of beating blood and spiking sweat I believe I can fly and I have a friendly tingle in the middle of my precious thighs.
Still the comical thing, so happens to be one of my theories, which is, if you want to bring the young girl out of the woman, either place her long lost love or her biggest crush in front of her and welcome what’s inside – out – like a rebel cry. If you expect this entry to sound mature or have a point or cater to structure. Well, then you’re missing out on the fact that in a world of daily crushes my mammoth one takes the eggs, flour, butter and crushes entire cities of pies.
The first thing I see in the snapshots are his expressions: Eyes intense and content. Cartoonish wide grin that’s as surreal as a Janet Jackson or Pearl Jam event. I zero in and lock on his deepened dimples in the way I take notice of the present. I glance at the huge joy radiating off his entire body completely in sync, never segmented.
And I want to be the person who’ll catch such beauty, even though a photograph could never do him justice or truly see what I do. I adore how he lives open and free with his approaches of infected happiness within the worldview. But, sometimes it’s all too much to dip into when you sit in the corner and observe how a crush passes right through and by you.
..But I just want to be around him.
Unfortunately things hover like obligated love and the chances become thin and the reaper in my mind dances grim. In certain photos, he’s with his super girlfriend of countless years and she’s as beautiful as him. Beautiful smile that suck everyone around like a black-hole, just like him. She has the same super duper jolly aura radiating from her and it’s ever so wonderful. So freaking wonderful. Wonderful it is! Hymnnnn.
..So wonderful I want to touch and be around that.
And I have my ways to bump into them since we’re in the same city and no, I don’t mean by accident. I get invitations. Sometimes when they’re together. Sometimes when they’re separate because life enjoys to keep one at arms length at rich suspense, even when you know your common sense comes at great expense. I’ve been through the high and the low tides and gone unknowingly spent. Ever think to yourself: Oh the hilarity of playing it nice? Sweet torment comes in the form of living within the right.
I do know. But I don’t know if I could or should ever want to bring myself to get on the emotional roller-coaster (or perhaps slightly on the delusional?) ride and hide my feelings from them both at the same time (again). Let alone an audience. I’m always awkward and especially peachy and tip-top buddy-buddy wanting to appease completely superficially. (Do you see that?) A case of foolish disorient.
To be continued..