I can honestly say in my life I never had any legitimate friends.
Like one who actually looks out for you, grabs you by your stubborn horns and knocks compelling sense into your brain so you do not go repeating the same dead-end cycle through life. One who dares to put you in better situations because they want more for you (than you probably do for yourself?) rather than keep you in the same decreasing spot (as they) in hopes you’ll always need them in some low self-esteem dependency sort of way.
Not the kind of friend who allows another cunt to grab you by your hair from behind as she watches your temple get smashed into a concrete wall before you could even figure out what’s truly going on. Or the kind who never seems to let go of the past as to why they’ll never help you get into a higher-paying job again because you know how everyone never has a fitting period of unquestionable mistakes and arrogant immaturity.
There has been times where I lost myself in yearning for a best friend badly that I’ve betrayed my own preachings and discarded my human behavioral theories. However, in return, I paid the heavy price of being burned by the process of another life lesson. Oh how magically magnificent it is to be enlighten by what you always knew to be infallible by the advantage built into our DNA called: Intuition!
There are moments where having patience is greater than throwing trust into words or silly superstitious stuff say horoscope written for the general population. Or what I call “get-by actions” that are led by another whereas they provide the basics and participate in the bare minimum of what it takes to be in your life (whatever that may be for somebody like you).
Now I haven’t truly given up on perhaps the idea of possibly gaining a friendship where all becomes daffodils, butterflies and two-way streets and rights within the world. But I feel old in my thinking and the modern way of believing makes it harder to maintain the dream of maybe. No, not because I’m bitter. But because I’ve been doing fine by myself for thirty years now. Maybe fixing this would be the problem? So hesitation is the one that grants my defense permission to act how it wishes.
There’s more to this story and perhaps not what you think. 😉