I Don’t Belong


During my periodic monthly episodes of blood, increased hormones, life force and such taking over, I tend to get a bit gloomy, while becoming overrun by immaturity, not to mention, I write more carelessly than I like to admit throughout this instance.  So, if you’re looking for something thrilling, inspiring, and poetic or whatnot, you’ve come at the wrong time.  There’s no true significance in this entry, except that I’m venting.

Throughout the course of my life, I never thought I belonged anywhere.  There were things I’ve always enjoyed like reading, writing, receiving education, sex and being physically active.  And although I’m aware that one can be content and isolated away from the conventional world, sometimes I can’t help but wonder how would my mind and heart have been shaped like if I did feel I belonged to something?  Would I have felt less alone or more engaged to the world like how dreamers dream profusely of that lotto ticket?

I don’t belong to friends.  I have zero (doesn’t include the fabulous ones I have made online or the two ex-boyfriends in my real life that I consider to be like family).  Growing up, it was hard to blend in and follow the disgusting girls into their femininity and twin-like mirroring behavior.  I took pride in being a tomboy and in being an individual, whereas most appeared to benefit from being a replica of another, so it wasn’t a question why I was constantly the first to be flat-left in the blink of an eye.

I thought things would naturally get better once I got older because of better judgment.  Apparently not!  From the twenties, and into the early thirties (of where I am now), it seems I meet the wrong types of people.  Some of them believe friendship is about sugarcoating, living with illusions, and never involves the truth for personal enlightenment and growth.  So, I don’t belong to friends.

I don’t belong to family.  I only have one favorite aunt, whom I took after, to a small degree.  I’ve been working on my rapport with her for the past year because part of the new me is to be better acquainted with family, although I dislike nearly everyone in it.  It’s ironic; I believe the injustice of life has been slowly taking her away from me.

I digress, however.  Friends are a lot like family.  It involves fitting into a certain mold.  And it’s hard for me to be the type of person who can easily overlook their principles, values, beliefs in such a way where I can willingly blend in with the rest of my hypocritical family.  I haven’t been blessed with any true friend or relative.  I just keep bumping into the wrong people.  And why have the wrong people in my life, when it’s better to be true to myself and live within truth instead of a lie?

I don’t belong to fitness.  I work out faithfully.  I don’t eat clean majority of the time.  I don’t take numerous selfies.  I don’t buy expensive supplements.  I don’t feel the need to show off my body.  I don’t have the desire to inspire or motivate others because they usually fall short of my standards.  I no longer truly look up to the fitness professionals of the sport as role-models.  I don’t even have people in my circle who are diehard fans of training or weightlifting.

In a place of fitness and the gym, it’s my happy place and true religion.  But with the masses making a mockery out of fitness (mostly on the internet), where egos turn fit people into assholes and where asking for well-being guidance is replaced by a hand asking for money; I feel as if I’m further away from this sort of crowd and in my own ways, I feel more alone than ever.

I’m sure it’s all about the attitude and perception of mine and how I live in a matter-of-fact system.  Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  But please, don’t get me wrong, I love myself and I am who I am today because I never thought the grass was greener on the copycat’s side.  I never thought to fit readily into the methods of the conformist world which occupied family, friends or gyms I belonged to.

I just wonder..

-Pennington

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5 thoughts on “I Don’t Belong

  1. Wow. I love this post. I’ve been having the same feelings lately. I’ve always been a bit different and I’ve usually been okay with that. Recently, however, it has been getting to me. I think that the Internet, which has given me a voice and where I have met some incredible people, has also helped to advertise a sameness that alienates people who don’t belong. Trends, fashions, what “everybody” is doing is now communicated so rapidly and pervasively and repeatedly, that there is little time for trends to die out or to question whether indeed everybody does it, or rather that some people do it and want everyone else to do it, or look like it, or be it . . . But because things are so public, not doing them or doing something different, even if you’ve done it all along without incident becomes bunking a trend instantly. Historical context is lost, everything is so immediate. I’m constantly amazed that the sameness and seemingly required methods to achieve “femininity” are rarely questioned these days. And when it has economic, educational, and self-esteem consequences I want to scream. Saying no to cigarettes, drugs, or the like is okay, but saying no to regular professional mani/pedis, or clothing that is too expensive or limits mobility or provides no protection from the elements — that is unacceptable, or at least “unconventional.” I purportedly belong a number of groups, but I increasingly find that though I share some issues with them, there are many I don’t. And when I try to disengage from people who have proven to be toxic to me, I get push back because of what people assume “family” and “friends” are supposed to look like. Like you, I question whether I’d be more content if I was more conventional. I wonder.

    Like

    1. Thank you taking the time out to read and comment. Really. I appreciate it. Sometimes I never expect for people to be able to relate to what I write or say. But when it happens, I can’t help, but feel relieved and satisfied because I’m not the only one.

      Everything you said, it hits everything else on the head and in my heart for me as well. This modern age makes everything almost pitiful, almost makes me feel left in the dust (which I don’t mind). Then as you said about the internet, trends, femininity, the lack of mobility and from the friends and family who are toxic and pulling away makes it seem like it’s the more horrifying choice from others. I relate to all of this.

      Again, thank you. I’m glad we aren’t alone in this way, here between our blogs, humble character and integrity. 🙂

      Like

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