I have a new vision of how I want my body to look.
Ever since my life changed dramatically I no longer want to associate with the past as if it were a great friend. I have this fresh sense of self-worth and self-love. I have a profound sense of fresh freedom. I have a new perspective on respect. I have a thirst for renewal on every level in my life. I have redefine friends, attitudes, perspectives, logic, love and even training.
I’m not sure what lays in front of me in the life of training, but I know I’ve been a weightlifter for over a decade. I need something new or different because I’m new and I’m different now. It’s nothing for me to lift and pyramid heavy weight upon heavier weight until I’m completely exhausted. I know what it’s like to live for the iron therapy and the iron discipline, iron mind, iron heart and iron blood.
I know very well about this weightlifting life. I also know that before things changed for me I had a hard time obtaining motivation and I struggled with finding love, rekindling the passion and pleasure in weightlifting back in 2013-2014. I wonder if this was a sign of where I am to be now.
I know ever since the frightful ankle accident everything has changed, including my training and my body. I found motivation very hard to come by and suffered for months in a state of blank. I learned to accept that this accident was a traumatic experience for me. I still have moments where I relive the accident or the feelings associated from the most difficult time of my life.
I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to during this difficult time because no one was going through the same thing as me. There wasn’t anyone who could understand what I was going through – except the forum I found where people broke their ankles, spoke about their thoughts on surgery (before and after) and what could we possibly do to return to normal as we recovered. So I did what I usually do – I turned inward – even though I felt drowned by life and all its multifaceted oceans.
It took me a long time to get used to the idea of being immobile. The physical life as I knew it was washed away immediately. I no longer had weightlifting therapy as a crutch. I no longer showered like normal people. I no longer cooked. I gave all my independence to others because I didn’t have a choice to a lot of the times. In the beginning I was drugged from pain medication. I remembered taking less pain medication than what was prescribed because I didn’t want to get addicted in any way, so in order to keep the pain at bay I slept like a bear. This accident was very hard on my mind, on my body and on my spirit.
Then I had to get used to being mobile. During this time I didn’t recognize myself. I was wearing sweat pants all fall and winter because it was the only thing that got pass my big cast. Since I was depressed, and all the physical activities were taken away suddenly – I needed comfort along with something that brought me instant intense pleasure. Consequently, I drowned myself in every food delight possible, even foods I used to turn my back on I added onto my daily menu. It was no surprise that I gained 30lbs in a matter of 7 months.
Naturally I said, “Wow you really need to get yourself back into the gym and hit it super hard!” I noticed since January of 2015 I had a pattern of working out at home: Two weeks on and two weeks off. I incorporated all kinds of low-impact workouts including boxing and Pilates – basically anything I could do at home that didn’t hurt my ankle further. But now it was time for me to grow a bigger pair of tits and hit the gym once again. I thought I was ready.
But when I entered the gym I felt extremely uncomfortable. I saw tons of fit people and realized I wasn’t around their level anymore. I wore oversized hoodies, shirts and sweat pants because I felt extremely fat (for my standards). I wasn’t the same weightlifter or person I used to be at the gym. I had this strange amount of pressure every single time I went back into the gym and kept comparing myself on who I used to be. I kept asking myself, “How am I going to be back to who I was?”
The idea of starting many things from scratch just kept bringing my motivation down. I didn’t feel inspired on any level. I didn’t have the right kind of mindset. I wasn’t flexible in my approach. I’ve never gone through this before. I was used to being the one everyone relied on to give them motivation. I was the one who relied on nobody but me for inspiration. So now that I was good at failing myself, my confidence shrank rapidly until it became nonexistent. Rather than realize I should’ve started slow and build up a slow confidence within – I tried forcing myself to like the gym.
I tried to motivate myself in all the ways that used to work for me regarding the gym (fit life and weightlifting). Did it work? No. Mostly because the motivation that used to work for me before wouldn’t work for me now. I wasn’t getting it. When I continued to lag, I just figured I needed to get into the gym as many times as possible and the rest will all just fix itself. So I tried to force myself to do 2 workouts twice a day 5 times a week, and even included newbie training buddies to make things easier. And I still wasn’t motivated. If anything, it made things worse. I gave it a month and a half. Then I decided very carefully to break up with the gym (which I made an entry about already here).
The good news is I found something new and different to accommodate the new and different me. To be continued.
Part 2 of this post will also be on Training Life.