Since September my motivation has dipped. I knew it was dipping as it was happening. I was doing my best to stop it even when it had the nerve to stare at me as much as I stared at it. Of course, I was doing what I thought was the right thing. I kept going to the gym as if I were going to find a halo over there. I kept doing home workouts while I cleaned and prepared my space as I sucked my teeth in unhappiness.
I did everything I could think of. I watched training videos, inspirational videos and coach videos. I looked up fitness quotes. I switched up my workouts. I gave myself low-intensity and high-intensity work. And there was Ballet Beautiful, weightlifting and circuit training. But by October I drastically lost touch. I could only make it to the gym once a week. And as far as home workouts were concerned, I just sat my ass on the couch.
Absolutely none of this feels like me. Nevertheless, I’ve come to understand that unlike years before me I’m stressed the fuck out to the max. To the point where it’s affecting my workouts. I have no energy to conjure. I’m constantly fatigued. In the past, I managed to save my workouts by going through the motions or working out until I felt that fire power come alive again.
But, the issue is I’ve been going through massive stress for years. It’s a giant accumulation of WHAT THE FUCK! And I believe it’s finally taking its toll on me. It’s too embarrassing to talk about, so I don’t talk about it here. I don’t think I’ve ever experienced this amount of stress in my life. I’ve been working on managing my stress because I don’t have an option not to.
Well, by the time November came I decided to stop pretending to get the halo over my head and take the entire month off. It’s now December and I keep telling myself to get my act together. The things that used to motivate me before doesn’t motivate me now. I know that drive changes and usually I do my best to reshuffle my enthusiasm. I’ve done all my usual tricks and brainwash mantras, and nothing is working. Fuck! This feels beyond me.
The good news is: Now, my muscles want to be used. There’s a craving. When I walk, my core is contracting like yeah mama we’re back! It’s such an interesting feeling. I think my body may be calling out to me the last few days in a way where my mind is listening again. I’m hoping to put a world of hurt on my body starting today to make up for lost time. I plan on going hard and strong. Maybe this will save me?
I’m open to any suggestions anyone may have.