Category Archives: Funny

I Hate This Dog!


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Growing up I’ve never been without a pet. Thanks to my mom. Having pets was just as important as breathing because my mother always said, “Animals love unconditionally, unlike people.” My mom always wanted to be a veterinarian and for me — she was at heart. She was also a hardcore pet rescuer; to the point of hoarding.

In my life, there were always adventures with all types of pets from gerbils (which I named after watching Rocky — Rocky Balboa and Adrienne because my gerbils were a couple) to having albino-like ferrets to a shrine of hamsters, hyper rabbits, smelly turtles, colorful birds and all types of dogs and cats. My life has always been about pets in some form or another — I love animals. And also, still to this day, one of the most traumatic experiences of my life was putting my sick cat to sleep, for which I still shed tears. I miss her dearly, and I considered her my daughter (though I have zero kids).

I like to believe that because I grew up with so many types of animals my observations from animals relates heavily to human behavior, and my observations are better than most people. I also believe in being able to love intensely because of loving pets and finding them to be as important as the kids on the Pokémon cartoons did. The truth is, I’m an animal lover, and I’m more of an animal lover than I am a human lover. However, can I say that every pet and animal I’ve ever came into contact with (or will) — I liked or love with all my heart?

Well, no. I’ve only come across a couple of dogs and cats I didn’t like. They take place on one hand (out of an easy hundred or more) thankfully, but since staying with my friend — there’s a new form of dislike I never knew I could have for a dog. I actually keep some updates on my Twitter feed, usually with photos about this dog I dislike. I’ve become a bit obsessed, but I feel it’s because I’ve never in my life met a horrible dog like this.

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What kind of breed is this dog? I don’t  know? The breed of annoyance, of greed, of reincarnation but as a human-dog. She’s a hyper bitch, jumps everywhere like she’s in a circus, has ADD, is stubborn, defiant, can’t stay at one place too long, has insomnia and barely sleeps at night and genuinely doesn’t care if others sleep either.

She has straw-like fur in the color of hay. And her personality for a dog is practically horrible, in my opinion because she’s nothing like a dog — nothing common at least. For example, most dogs lick people as a sign of affection of sort. She never ever licks, but will try to tongue kiss your mouth if you allow it and it’s only because of the human food a person just ate.

In the beginning, I remember meeting the dog and wanting to be friendly with her because I really like animals, and as usual I give everything and everyone the benefit of doubt. I would pet the dog, talk to it in my nice customer service tone and sporadically feed it human food by hand. One of the first times I fed her by hand she fucking bit me hard enough in the process as if she were a fucking piranha.

It wasn’t until my friend came up with the rule of not feeding her human food did I notice a shift in her affections and attention towards me. It was all fake. She stopped coming to me entirely and when she went by me I swore I heard her snob-ass scoff as if I didn’t matter in the first place. The people who did matter were the ones disobeying the rule — the two teenagers. So, it was interesting to see a dog act so much like a human and with human emotions unlike a dog. She used me, and I never fed her human food again.

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I hate this dog, not because she’s fake, but because she’s not loyal to a family house. If a stranger was to feed her food, she wouldn’t care and would chomp down on human flavors, protein and fat — while these strangers would slash our throats to the city of the whole family.

I hate this dog because she belongs to the 15 year old who lives in the house and whenever it’s time to sleep with the girl, the dog decides she can’t stay  locked in and sleep with her because she goes crazy every time she hears a fork scrape against a plate outside in the kitchen. The dog always proves her disloyalty. The dog will bark excessively until the dad takes the dog out of the room. Only then, does this dog stop barking and proceeds to go make her dog rounds to each room of the house as quickly as possible to see if anyone dropped food on the floor.

I hate this dog because I’ve never seen a dog so horny for human food. She creeps in corners, in rooms, hides under chairs, performs the downward dog, while peering from under the table and stalking every single person for human food in the house. I’ve never seen anything like it. One time someone placed their plate of food on the bed and when they came back to the room she was on the bed feasting from it like it was hers when she knows where her two bowls are — outside of the kitchen.

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Another time, someone held a nice 6oz steak in their hands and for one second they put their hand down while walking out the room just when this dog jumped to try and snatch the steak out their hands. Mind you, she actually gripped it with her teeth, and we all agree to throw out a perfectly good steak because feeding her human food would reinforce bad behaviors. This was around the time when we found out that the 15 yr old was constantly feeding the dog by hand where it’s now to the point that the dog looks malnourished because it waits for the tiny bit of hand out it gets from the girl and leaves her dog food in the bowl entirely for days.

I wonder if this dog would be different if my friend wasn’t her fifth owner? Perhaps? I wish I could’ve observed her from all the previous houses to be able to study her and learn how her behavior has changed with every one of those homes. But, let’s get back to why I hate this dog. Whenever someone cooks in the kitchen, she’ll remain within distance, in case any food falls on the floor and she actually goes as far as not eating her dog food until everyone stops cooking and eats their foods in case anything falls.

I hate this dog because morning, noon and night she’s always searching for human food. If she’s inside the room with the door closed, she barks to be let out only when she hears utensils because she knows someone is cooking in the kitchen. Did I mention — she’s so horny for human food that she starves herself? Her last record was 3 days. She starved for 3 days, not once touching her dog food. She’s now beaten her last record with 6 days of starving herself. Now, before anyone jumps into the conclusion of maybe she doesn’t like her dog food and you have to switch it..

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I took the liberty of finding a dog food she actually likes. (I’ve pretty much taken ownership and am the one that influences the house on the matters of the dog. She’s my new experimentation.) She likes the dog food called Gravy Train — the one where you can just add water, stir, and it makes gravy. She used to twirl in happy circles for the food in the beginning. Now she doesn’t. This only lasted for roughly 3 weeks before she went back to desiring the fuck out of human food. And what bothers me about this is there are animals and house pets in the world who are starving and freezing in the street who would love to eat food — and here we are feeding an ungrateful fucking dog who doesn’t care if we ever feed her dog food, just human food.

I have conditioned the dog to stop staring and stalking humans for food. I went from using multiple water bottles (because I rather use water than actually abuse her physically because I don’t like animal abusers — plus this dog is stubborn as fuck for an attempt on verbal and tone shit) until she became immune to water. Then every time she barked because she wanted to come out of the room or wanted to be disobedient and watch people eat — I locked her and made sure everyone else locks her in the bathroom until now she makes not a sound and not a stare for food.

To be honest, who wouldn’t be a fucking bitch or an assbole if they’re constantly starving themselves? And who wouldn’t beg and stare hoping for the easiest target in the house to break and give a hand out? And wouldn’t you do anything it takes to get your greedy mouth on human food? Hm, and how about like acting? Because this dog acts and she only acts out with the 15 yr old girl. What the dog does is she shivers uncontrollably as if she’s been placed in the freezer and then she sits right in front of the 15 yr old or right by the side of her until the girl breaks down and gives her a tiny particle of food.

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The first time I saw this dog shiver — as you might’ve imagine I was shocked because I knew she was acting; the house is cozy and warm, there’s no way she was fucking cold. And of course, she didn’t start shivering until she got near the dish of the 15 yr old girls food. Then I told everyone in the room, I can’t believe she’s acting — and is so horny for food — and when I said that, the dog looked at me with a disgrace of a face as if I blew up its spot (because I believe she knows English) and the bitch decided to stop shivering right then and there. The dog knows the words: Come here, Get out, Stay, Sit, Please leave and food. There are many other examples I can write, but God did I write a lot as is.

Patience and consistency is key and I have both at this very moment. Still we haven’t cured her of eating her dog food religiously. She rather starve — and in few cases, rather than eat her dog food, she begs the 15 yr old owner to get a piece of cake, fried chicken or buttered rolls, even after she’s eaten a big meal. And I only need to get the 15 yr old girl to fully get on the bandwagon of not feeding this ungrateful dog any human food ever again. The truth is, I don’t know if this dog will ever want to eat her dog food again even if the 15 yr old stops feeding her because this dog is fucking damaged.

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There are many things I can say about this dog like how she portions out her dog food, how she’s stubborn and in the beginning when we punished her she would act out in defiance by taking a shit on the couch, in a specific room and vomits on people’s beds intentionally. But  I’ve said more than enough about this hobo dog. Everything is experimentation, condition and progress in this world, and as long as one stays consistent on a matter, one can change whatever it is you truly desire. Fortunately, this includes this dog I hate. Maybe. Wish me luck.

P.S.

If anyone has any suggestions on this human dog and how to tame it further without physical abuse, I’m all ears. Thanks for reading. 😉

-Pennington

Admirers Come In Vaginas Too


There’s a gift I have (I mean, what else could it be?) where people are magnetically drawn to me whether it’s a child (not sure how since I dislike children?), men (no shit!) and women (for some reason).  I know men like pretty things and Americans enjoy big jugs and they have a dick and they think every vagina they come across in the city is an outlet to plug in.  But when it comes to women and what they like about me I’m as a clueless as a person who sits down and realizes they don’t practice a word of the philosophy they speak.

I wanted to ask this one gal who clearly was a dyke and clearly had a huge crush on me (said her action of stalking me outside of my Automotive Body and Repair classes) until she locked the bathroom door behind us and tried to kiss me dead on.  Still til this day many of my friends theorize:  You act too masculine Pennington and that’s why women are attracted to you.  But this can’t be correct because men would be attracted to feminine men as well, if I went by this?  No?  I don’t know?

Anyhow, every now and again since I’ve been training in the gym since 2003 there are two types of women who check me out:  Those who are jealous and those who actually admire me.  I never paid attention to the first types of women because there aren’t many women who can compete with who I am or even how much I lift or volume.  And as far as my admirers are concern I never fully paid them any attention, at first.

Until one night my brother pointed out this very pretty caramel-complexion twenty-something lady who’s eyes would follow me everywhere I lifted.  Since I went on a regular basis during the time I had extra time to observe.  One night leaving out the doorway my brother said, “good night” to her but she didn’t respond.  Instead she turned to me and said, “Good night.  Have a nice holiday” in a very flirtatious kind of way as if she’s in love, completely googly-eyed.  I looked at her type of admiration to be truly thoughtful and always took the time to be nice to her.

Then there was this other admirer in a form of a Zumba instructor.  I took a few of her classes. Mostly to work my grind and vagina in the air when I needed to boost up my sex-esteem (due to menstruation).  It works!  Whatever.  What I thought was strange however is every week after she was done teaching her class she would hang out with me until I CLOSED down the gym.  At first she would talk to me about some guy who she was head over heels over (I believe because he’s a millionaire) and how he just treated her like a booty call.

The she started to talk about her loneliness (which I tend to think horniness)and the greenlight smacked my head when it was time for me to change out my uniform.  She would follow me into the locker room (every single time) and guess who all of a sudden decided they need to change as well?  She’d chatted up a fucking dictionary while never sucking in breath saying something about her tits that went in one ear and out the other and tried to make conversation about my tits.

And one flip of her sports bra when I had my back turned and BAM!  Her breasts were out and I scratched my head with fake intention not sure who’s more nonchalant her tits or her?  Now some might consider this type of attention and boldness lucky (probably straight men? perhaps a lesbian?) as she patted her sweaty shining breasts with a towel.  But I assure you I was utterly dreadful inside.  Why me?  Why does this always happen to me?  I got the fuck out the building quick as lightning and I stop taking her Zumba classes.

Now why am I bringing this up?  Glad you asked!  Last night after I finished my workout at the gym right as I was about to head out exhaustively my coworker introduced me to this gal.  First thing I noticed was this gal mentioned she saw me working out (which I wondered:  how as I only workout where the men are in the basement lifting rawrs?  so she must have watched and scoped during) and her eyes grew big in buggy excitement.

I automatically felt on my vibe that this chica is giving me a certain kind of vibe.  (Although yeah I could be undergoing a case of normal paranoia?)  But as my coworker kept talking about how she has to lose weight and drain a fatty tissue from her bulging chin because she’s now 300lbs, this gal (who I’ll nickname Hazel-Eye) would not leave.  I tested the situation (by staying a bit longer), snacking on a Perfect Zone bar, finishing it along with hearing a lecture about going back to school and how do I always make sure to workout?  And this gal would not leave.

Actually she didn’t leave until I told my coworker I have to bounce to make it to the market on time.  She walks out with me and starts talking about, “Can we workout together?”  And of course I’m not going to say no to anyone who wants to workout PERIOD!  But I’m thinking this is how I bag dudes numbers by telling them, “Hey we should workout sometime.”  Is she doing the same?  Unfortunately I don’t have the answers.  Still we walked to the train station, exchanged numbers and we chatted until out trains came.

Signing off skeptical as fuck.

-Pennington

Because Through The Bullshit It Still Rings True!


So I shit on him and talk negatively about our situation regularly.  I don’t mention all the details.  Not to say that I’m wrong and he’s right or that I may not be overreacting during the time my Little Red Riding Hood friend of the month appears.  But no one can know the whole truth without living in my shoes.  No one can know all the details because than my blog will be non-stop like the slop you left openly in the toilet after last night’s burrito came out your ass with peppery fire and a slight tear full of promise that:  “I will never eat this again!”

But then what you do?

I don’t leave much privacy for him or me.  Although I don’t flat go about giving our home addresses and how you can go about meeting us for more intimate or not-so-intimate details of our Life.  All in all what the card says rings true when it comes to him (despite my grudges, ongoing hatred and shoot in the foot shotgun resentment).  Eight years of being with one partner (no matter how on and off) can do wonders for your sex life or take away from it (from time to time).

There are things you never knew existed sexually.  Or even what it was like making love under a moonlight, feeling closer to heaven while for the first time in your Life experience(d) what it was actually like to have Meaningful Sex with someone you adore and cherish deeply.  I thought it didn’t exist!  *bangs head hard on wall*  There are things one wouldn’t care for BUT suddenly do!  Like getting your salad tossed and getting fingered and your clitoris massaged at the same time because nothing says I love you better than multiple orgasms! Then there are things you become aware of.. like if you two depart, well, good fucking luck finding this “service and decor” you had in your new partner.

Cheers!

Pennington

Video of the Week: PUNCHED!



This is what I want to do every single day to at least 50-100 people.  Sometimes I want to do it to half the fucking people of the world in a single day. When I’m up and about dealing with the world, when I’m performing my customer top-notch service I just want to punch motherfuckers forever and forever!

They don’t have to be eating. They just have to exist on Planet Earth, standing there, looking at the ceiling, breathing, dazing out or sitting on a piece of fitness cardio equipment. And I roll up on them and BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMMMMMMMMMMMMM bitches! Motherfuckers! I hate this damn planet! 😉

And in Forest Gump‘s profound line: “And that’s all I have to say about that.”

Pennington

I Want To Be A Bodybuilder!



Because no matter how many times I watch this.. this shit makes me laugh.  Half the time I sound like this.  And half the time I procrastinate.

And if this doesn’t make you laugh or bring out the slight chuckle in you, then I’m guessing A) You can’t relate. Or B) You have a screw stuck up your ass… AND I’ll be more than happy to get that out for you. 😉

Pennington