Category Archives: health

Pelvic Floor Dysfunction


I knew something was strange every time I laughed or tried to do a sumo deadlift and tinkled myself.  I knew something was strange when I felt like I had to urinate faithfully around the clock.  I knew something was strange when I suddenly started to experience pain during intercourse.  In the morning upon waking, there’s a dull pain in the center of my stomach that stretches deep into my pelvis.  It plants itself there like a kentia palm.  At the same time, the mid-lower back pain stretches out to the side wrapping itself around my lat, not to mention the top of my buttocks and hips.

It took years to understand what the hell was going on with me.  Why I felt completely exhausted after sleeping 8 hours?  Why my moods were shifting quicker than I could say bipolarism?  Why its been so easy to abandon my fitness goals and sessions?  Why did I feel like I was trying to walk through brain farts daily?  Why all this pain?

Thankfully a visit to the handsomest urologist gave me his recommendation to see his friend who’s also a urologist but deals with women’s sexual health.  It was there where I was greeted by a real life perky sitcom character Karen Walker.  She checked out my vulva, took my urine through a catheter on the spot (with my permission of course) and complimented me on my Kegel.  Then she said, “You have Pelvic Floor Dysfunction.  Don’t worry.  It’s fixable!”  I was prescribed a physical therapist who specializes in PFD.  Also, testosterone gel, which is made by a chemist (therefore making it extra tailored and super expensive) for my vulva.

Coupled this PFD along with my growing fibroids (which I was told to ignore if they don’t grow) and it’s no wonder why I’ve been wanting to pull my hair out of my goddamn head for so long.  My fibroids have grown to the point where they have taken my uterus out of its place and is now sitting behind my bellybutton.  The clusters of fibroids have enlarged my uterus making my stomach protrude.  On my medical record it states that my fibroids are well into 14-16-week pregnancy.  So, I’ll see a surgeon next month.  God willing.

Well, for the longest time, I thought I was secretly dying.  Turns out, at least for the moment, I’ve been on a tumultuous ride with hormones.  Keeping a positive outlook has been extremely challenging.  I can’t tell you how long I felt hopeless and completely isolated from the rest of the world.  Of course, I kept praying for answers, for guidance and for the right doctors to come in my path, so I can get the ball rolling.  My prayers have been answered.  Things are rolling.  I’m finally not holding my breath anymore.

I’m moving forward with new breath within me.

-Pennington

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The Theme Is Being Gentler


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I cancelled my gym membership and felt relieved.

The first reason why I decided to cancel my gym membership is because I don’t use it anymore.  I thought joining a gym closer to home would be convenient, but it wasn’t.  I became one of those people I used to talk shit about – paying monthly and not showing up.  I decided to stop wasting money and put hundreds back in my pocket.

The second reason why I cancelled is because I don’t weightlift as heavy as I used to.  This was the purpose of my gym membership; to play with all the hammer strength machines, barbells and dumbbells until I abused and depleted myself.  Now, I can’t step into the gym without lifting heavy.  I can no longer control myself, so I don’t go.

I have developed too many muscle imbalances and there are parts of my body that are asymmetrical (according to me).  Aside from my muscles who enjoy living their life in a state of contraction, they’re holding onto emotional and physical trauma.  The tension I carry must be release from within.

Every time I lift weights, my nags escalate until it’s full-blown inflammation.  It affects me in such a way where my body keeps instructing me to listen.  Over the years, I have decreased the load, given cardio strength a try and included circuit training with lighter dumbbells/barbells only to go for heavier weights eventually.  Therefore, continuing the hurt.

And, my body goals and nature has changed.
Nevertheless, I’ve been heeding the advice of my body.

Slowly, listening.

And I’ve been listening in time to lead me to the third reason why I decided to cancel my gym membership.  For the past few months, I’ve been seeing a physical therapist for pelvic floor dysfunction.  This dysfunction coupled with my fibroid issue and stress incontinence has pretty much ruined a good part of my life that I’ll leave for another entry probably.  Because of these newly found issues, it behooves me to learn how to be gentle with myself in every regard possible.

It’s quite interesting, over the course of the last few years, the theme of my life seems to be about being gentler to myself.  My therapist has also helped me to solidify the idea of furthering my compassion for myself.  I must be gentle in how I speak to myself, in how I respond to myself, in how I regulate my emotions, in how I treat myself, in how I exercise.

It all points to being gentler and I’m actually refreshed because of it.

– Pennington

Under Constant Consideration


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I sit and prick my finger with the thinnest needle I’ve ever seen.  It feels as thin as a loose-leaf page between my fingers.  This needle reminds me of the first time I tried to grasp what was taking place on the table after I let the alcohol dry and stomach lbs of anxiety to push a simple white surrender button that has no problem piercing me at its own inorganic intention.  That bee-stinger reminds me of my family’s hang ups every time I glance over the medical history list and check off every sick inheritance.  It’s one more thing to put on the death record.  The son of a bitch needle reminds me of where my life has been and where it’s going.

I think about who I’m becoming?  I think about the coincidences that tie into another coincidence like a necklace and how I never believe much in coincidences or in necklaces that are meant to break with the purpose and strange intent to try and shake up my faith.  I believe in life’s orchestration and in every gift given by higher sources.  I think about my faith, motivation and temperament.  How much fight I have in me?  How to keep positive mantras by the altar of my heart and how to deal them out as needed, as well as how to go about feeding my spiritual backyard with water when it’s looking dry as a bone due to inner turmoil.

The small round dot of red reminds me of a ladybug.  I believe the ladybug is searching for answers life can’t always give while I’m still breathing, punching and kicking alive.  The ladybug is on a quest for numbers in low ranges and metabolic disorders to be of order.  I’m checking my blood sugar, but I call her ladybug because it verbally and visually sounds prettier than the faults I hold as a human.  The New Year brought me diabetes and I’m not sure how to feel about this progressive disease that had a lot to do with taking my mother’s life.

What does the bigger picture hold?

*

The surgeon says, “Are you aware diabetes further affects the ligaments.tendons in your foot and how your foot heals from surgery?”  I don’t take advice from anyone who butchers human bodies for a living because even though what they do for a living can be helpful, there’s something inhumane about cutting into human bodies.  Let alone, the discord for why surgeons lack brainpower, logic sense, human emotion and emotional intelligence.  I can’t tell you the countless times I’ve been in his cold office and every single time I’ve felt like I was touched and centered by a black-hole; the entire light of my thirty-something being vanish in a space where I was beginning to be invisible to myself.

Then there’s my primary doctor who’s younger than I and mentally more fucked than I am says it’s in the controlled phase, don’t worry so much she blurts carelessly.  Is she telling the 29 million Americans with diabetes not to worry too?  Yet in the same session casually mentions how her supervisor said you would be a good candidate for bypass surgery as if I resemble a hippopotamus of sort.  Anyone who hacks into human bodies for a living with a scalpel is god-awful fucking people.  No thank you I know how to lose weight on my own even though these gargoyles of depression won’t get off my shoulders and every painful step and every stretch of my Achilles heel is a partial reminder where the mess of my life went awry.

So I asked for a referral to see the endocrinologist, which took me a year plus to get because I didn’t become a candidate until the diabetes clock decided to tick its way in because a 40lb weight gain in a 2 year span doesn’t constitute as a person having a real problem other than depression or hatred in America.  So, do I consider the diabetes to be a blessing in disguise? Well, I certainly believe it came on time!

Now Dr. Endocrinologist doesn’t dish any hope at all, but he talked openly about his country, how poor he was as a kid and how he’d go hungry and learned the power of discipline through starvation unlike the Americans who have every convenience and option rolled out for them like a red carpet.  He went on to say I know I’ll get diabetes eventually because it’s hereditary, but I do my best to prevent it by not eating all the wonderful fatty and carby things I would love to eat now.  Then he wrapped up with a spiel of willpower and the difficulty most people have when it comes to willpower.  And I kept looking at him, like do you know who the fuck I am?  Then I realized no this is your first meeting and he talks like his because he doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall, so I don’t hold his appalling lecture personally.

He goes on to say 50% of your pancreas is shot and will never work the way it once did.  Then right away I felt like a dying tulip on the side of neglected roadkill sitting on the thought of my pancreas dying a whole ten years prior according to him.  The only thing I did agree with is the way his eyes lit up with sinful fire as he said, “What is wrong with your primary doctor?  It’s crazy for her to mention bypass surgery for 3 reasons: 1. That’s not a solution.  2.  Most people lose 50% of their weight the first year, but gain it ALL back because most people aren’t disciplined. 3.  You don’t even know the basics of endocrinology.

To be continued..

-Pennington

Barrier Break


A year and a half ago my life changed when I fell backwards on the skateboard and my foot got caught in the back of my other leg just before my bodyweight came crashing down on it and I broke my ankle.  My life changed just because I wanted to have fun, just because I desired to take risk, just because I desired to feel emancipated.  I made a choice despite peer pressure.  I made a choice despite my beginner status.  I made a choice because of adrenaline because of confidence and that single moment changed my life in a nanosecond.

After the cast, wheelchair, crutches and learning how to walk all over again I became afraid of everything from tying my sneakers to going outside.  I also didn’t like anyone.  I felt I couldn’t relate anymore with others.  The people who I thought would be there when the chips were down weren’t even there.  So I kept myself in isolation because this felt easiest.  I wasn’t feeling the world.  During the process I questioned the world.  I debated on my entire existence.  I no longer identified with the biggest part of my life – fitness.  I only identified with healing and recovery.

So I became afraid of everything living in a repeated trauma.  The body is an amazing machine.  Still, the psychological portion is where my issue exists.  For a good amount of time I didn’t want to walk on my crutches from fear of injuring and falling again.  After the cast came off and I could walk without an extreme limp I had the problem of wanting to step in the shower because I could slip in there too.  To this day I fight through many different mental and physical barriers.  I tell myself, “I’m a warrior.  I’m fine.  I can do this.  Everything will be okay.”

But no matter how wintry or full of spring it is, going outside is another battle because stepping on or stepping off the curb sends an apprehensive trigger within.  Then in a split second an image appears with a thousand ankles all lined diagonal breaking at the same time and the bones make a big sharp crunch sound.  This is where I remain frozen.  I get lightheaded.  I feel the panic and anxiety creeping like mad ants throughout my entire body.  I stand on the sidewalk like a lost little lamb trying to hide my terror from everyone outside.  I stand under the shade for 5-20 minutes or find the nearest bench I can sit and rely on.  I try to shake it out my head like it’s the nightmare it has been for over a year plus but it’s painfully difficult.  I wonder when these fears and worries will take flight?

Time, strength, online friends, partner support and my current therapist have been by my side.  I had to break wall after concrete wall in order to get to an elevated place.  What I learned is recovery comes in different stages.  Healing takes forever and a day even with positive self-talk.  Now I have to push through a new obstacle – one I used to love doing actually – riding a bike.  Before the accident I remembered loving to cycle.  I remembered the feeling of the wind giving me foreplay all over my body with its soft breeze.  I remembered feeling like a madwoman cycling and eating down bridge after bridge like some sort of luxury freedom like a huge accomplishment.

But now I’m scared.  Once again mental preparation becomes my only way through.  Like everything else, I’ve come very far, and baby steps are how I work back to the old or with the new.

 -Pennington

March Fitness Update


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Oh, this entry is boring!

I’ve worked very hard, and I’ve put myself through lots of pain to be able to get to walk as much as I can today. The other day I walked a mile and a half straight from the PT place back home. This wasn’t easy, but it isn’t easy for me to want to be less active either. Fortunately, this means I’ve taken fitness under consideration again.

Now I still haven’t set foot in a normal gym — as I consider physical therapy to be a type of gym. And I’m not sure when the right timing will be for me to train at the gym or if there’s such a thing as the right timing? Because recently I hurt myself again. Yes, it was due to overworking my foot.

The truth is for the last few months, many of my tendons have been inflamed. Now I have King Achilles tendon jumping on board to give me horrible annoyances and fuck me over with more issues or at least the equivalent of bad little children.

So, this has reversed my mentality — just when I was going to take a tour of a brand new gym. I decided against it now because I’m not ready because I still don’t have the best patience and because my ego will fail me. But, I must say, this particular gym I want to tour has a pool, so it would behoove me to learn how to swim and also, use my ankle in the water without hurting it further from daily poundage on cement.

It’s been a great deal of struggle for me during these months because its been difficult to start my fitness and to sustain regular motivation. I started picking up lighter dumbbells. I’d perform sit ups. I’d get on the ground to crank out endless reps of hip bridges, but to no avail. My motivation drops off the will of the earth and I’ll skip an entire week. Then after that week goes by I’ll restart again. And the worst part is I make no excuses. I just go according to my cycles and tides of moods.

It’s unlike me to not feel the flames in my blood ignite my passionate training. There are things that are different now — like dare I say I’m more humble (and other things)? However, the past few months I’ve taken a liking to YouTube and their fitness videos. Each day I search and plan out what I feel like training and I scrutinize every workout to see if I have to modify anything for my ankle since all is not well… yet.

I started with my favorite bellydancing videos by the famous twins. Then I thought about what I needed to strengthen — so Pilates and flexibility videos came next. Then low impact 30 minute bodyweight workouts, dancing and boxing furthered it. I’ve entered lots of core and squat work since I have to build up lots of muscle in them again.

It does make me sad that my usual training, and my deep love for weightlifting has been put on hold. I’m forbidding myself because I know I will overdo it and eventually will hurt myself. Once I start, I don’t like stopping. Still my plans are to tour a new gym, but with strict rules on weightlifting if I allow myself.

However, these fitness videos have kept me afloat and has motivated me enough because I never have to do the same YouTube workout twice. And since my ankle has made leap and bounds — I’ve finally took it up a notch and have commenced push ups, planks and a shit load of squats, bridges, abduction work and all. Things are slowly starting to come together and this makes me very happy. 🙂

-Pennington

Bird


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This bird has outgrown many things in the past months from dying love, to cold friends and to the importance of new love and family. She’s even outdone her physical therapy vicinity and the assistance of their aids. There are always new things to learn, but the most crucial for birdie has been to take charge of her therapy (as she knew right from the beginning). Never allow others to dictate your weakness, strength or levels of success. You must always hold yourself accountable; for this is where the profound and strength of character lives.

The past two weeks birdie had been working with a new PT. She calls bird ma’am, yet thinks birdie is in her twenties rather than thirties. The unfortunate issue — is this new vibrant young lady came a little too late. Birdie both likes and appreciates her techniques and her promising nature. Birdie can sense the love this young flower has for her Physical Therapy work — and how it comes with new eyes, a thirst for knowledge, a keen ear, unstained years of senorioty rights and a clear vision of great passion.

What’s more unfortunate is this birdie is almost gone and is going to leave the Physical Therapy nest behind. She had a long run (4 months), and she didn’t agree with everything, and in some cases they actually hindered her (by overworking her and allowing her to sustain tendonitis in her foot). Still, birdie benefited in multiple ways like overcoming mental blocks and flying and getting out of the house. This birdie is going back home, to the religion, to the glitz, to the empowerment, to the intimacy and love of the gym because there’s more equipment that can be used to improvise.

Birdie can get to where she needs to be quicker (although patience is still the key as she’s no where near 100%) — for in winter, there are only so many ways one can handle the force knocking of the wind and friendly snow that turns to dangerous ice; not to mention the horrid rain outside. However, by the time spring comes; this little birdie will put all her hopes on the comfort of blue skies, delicate breeze and warm sunshine. 🙂

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-Pennington

The Months accumulating in Effect 2


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The blood results came back and I became crippled with the news, “You’re pregnant.”  My suspicions were true along with that Tiger dream, the one who magically fixed a uterus back together.  I hung up the phone and backtracked.  Everything made sense:  Breasts filled with voluminous rage, cravings I kept in denial like a drug addict and my stomach rising like yeast.  The sinking feeling of depression, the steady exhaustion, hyper sexual appetite and forgetting about the gym was soon to be up for debate or a choice to make, one that follows instant termination.

Which came first:  The slip of a faulty IUD I’ve had on for years or the pregnancy?  I’m uncertain and so is everyone else.  And if 9 weeks and 2 days weren’t enough time on my plate and in my belly I had to head into the emergency room to figure out if the pregnancy was in fact in my uterus or if it was going to be considered a very dangerous:  Ectopic pregnancy.  I spent the entire day looking at people with different diseases in the hospital and was sure to contact a disease from the man who was vomiting next to me.

And no matter where I went I had to deal with every single nurse and doctor and even my own bizarre GYN stating how I can have this baby if I want to regardless of the small facts like the percentages of miscarriages that derive from the IUD and the first 20 weeks of pregnancy and regardless if the IUD somehow could penetrate the baby itself at some point or another.  It seemed like everyone assumed I’m going to have this baby knowing that the reason why I opted for an IUD in the first place is because it has a 99% effective rate without hormones.  But somehow I managed to be that 0.01% to become pregnant.  Is it safe to say the downside to being healthy is being fertile?  (And I know there are women out there who can’t have kids or are trying to, so it seems with that last statement I’m ungrateful.  I assure you I’m not ungrateful.)

Last night in my honesty I told my aunt about the pregnancy to which she was ecstatic and made me call my mother who cried out of joy for something she could look forward to instead of dying in her nursing home bed who told me to call my brother to let him know he’s going to be an uncle.  They were all just making plans and seeing a future I didn’t.  I never mentioned to them that I have an appointment for termination.  This would break their hearts. Now I’m to lie to them for the next few weeks until I feel they can bear it.  The only person who made a mention of why I’m leaning towards not having the baby was the Indian lady who was probing my vagina with the sonogram dildo.  But I presume she was just a nosy woman or just needed not to feel as awkward as me having that camera dildo in my twat so she became nothing less than a chatty Kathy.

It’s absolutely crazy how people don’t live your life or care to see things from your perspective yet they want to tell you that college isn’t important that having a baby is because you’re not getting any younger and there’s a time limit.  A time limit for whom since I’m of no concern to them?  It’s insulting and it’s basically telling me, “Your life doesn’t matter.  Just have this baby so we the family can live for hope in the name of the future.”

Is anyone truly prepared to have a kid whether financially, emotionally or mentally?

I’ve never really gave it much thought until last week.  I also never gave it much thought to have a child because I’m not at a place where I’m pleased to be.  How would I look like having a child while still living with my roommate?  How would I handle being burdened in my own life and than to bring that forth to my child even if it wouldn’t remember in the early part of their years?  I don’t have family or friends who would be able to babysit for me.  I still want an educational degree that I’ve earned.  I want and need more money.  Surely, all these things can be excuses because there are plenty of people who can do it all or do their best. But it’s not for me.  Not now.  But I realize that no one can be prepared for having a child. It changes the complete fuck out of you. I couldn’t imagine having it at this time.

I was struggling with the thought of being a bad person (something I believe I’m truly not) because not allowing this baby to live will somehow make me a bad person.  Still I did my best to not have a repeat of a second abortion that took place 9 years ago when I was put to sleep.  I was young, scared, full of tears and very emotional even after I dealt with it.  Still 99% is only 99%.  Maybe when I go in this week to take care of the final duties my punishment is being awake while they perform this 3-5 minute procedure.

And in some weird way I feel like I probably deserve it even with the precautions I took.

-Pennington

The Months accumulating in Effect


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I’m putting myself out there more and by more I mean OBVIOUSLY more than usual and MORE personal than some emotional guy’s tongue buried deep inside my precious twat.

I could have started this entry back in November or the last week of December. But really everything seemed to trickle down for me in the beginning of the New Year where I got fired from my job because I had the courage to stand up for what I believe in and for never wavering my principles while keeping my integrity intact.

During this time for a moment I felt down in the dumps like I lost a childhood pet because there was a part of me that felt like perhaps I’ve fallen from grace. With this dark cloud over my head I began to feel ill every time I ate or didn’t for that matter. I found, mentally, I was no longer visualizing, planning, going to sleep, daydreaming or even thinking about my training sessions at the gym.

I became tired at the oddest of times and took naps every chance I got and shortly after I started to sleep up to 11-14 hours a day. Every morning cramps came (and still do) very suddenly like a knock on the door and it found its way into my aura with panic and spanking novelty. Then the headaches, they commenced at any which way and waved over me as if I were its safe harbor. I’ve never felt like this before. What is wrong with me? Could this clearly be depression? A deeply manic episode of sort?

I now look at water with disgust because in my mouth it swiftly tasted like metal. But I’ve been drinking nothing but water for years and over night my body is asking me for a Coke (or two) or Chocolate Milk. All I want is cheese and meat and maybe some potatoes. But my appetite changed on me and I couldn’t handle large portions anymore. Plus I’m horny all the time and haven’t the faintest idea how to turn it off.  I’ve been going full speed and giving the middle fingers to cruise control. Is this an identity crisis? Another transitional change of becoming thirty-two someone has forgot to tell me about?

I grew suspicious of myself. Once again my body betrayed me unexpectedly. What a cunning cunt! I’m being taken hostage; my body doesn’t feel like mine anymore. And I haven’t had a suicidal thought in a decade until tonight.

But I scheduled an appointment with a doctor.

To be continued.

-Pennington

“Empty Stomach Reality” Two!


Nearly everyone who fasts, discovers the same thing, that when they fast they actually have no hunger and more energy than they normally have. It is indeed liberating to find out that if we let go and trust that we will be taken care of.”

Here’s the other half to where it started:  Empty Stomach Reality.  There are lots of benefits with Fasting when it comes to the body/mind/spirit.  But I’m not going to get into how or why you can lose bodyfat or how it reduces blood pressure, repairs your cells and increases growth hormones.  For Christ Sake I’m just a simpleton!  Over the course of my experience with Fasting I’ll present to you the benefits of what Fasting has done for Me in no particular order.  But before I get to the positive part.  Here are a few negatives with explanations of what I learned along the way.

The Not-So Benefits that could be Overridden.

1.  Fasting often doesn’t necessarily mean it’s better!

Really once a week every week, if one feels they need that much, can be overdoing it.  I realized this too late in between mid-month of November to December.  I was beyond committed to Fasting like it was a golden key to unlocking the mysteries of religion or coming to terms with body science.  But along the journey my body became sick and any kind of food I put into my mouth made me profoundly nauseous.  No matter how small the portion was or healthy.

The thought of eating made me want to spew my empty reality and if I could have thrown up my intestines I would have while stabbing it repeatedly with a fork for being such a fucking asshole!  (But, it doesn’t make any sense that I be mad at my body for something I clearly started for my own selfish reasons.)  Sometimes I can take what I’m experimenting on into a nasty form of OCD and get lost in it because it’s my chemical romance.

2.  Timing like most things can make the difference between experiencing a good fast or a terrible one.

I’m a night owl.  So it made perfect sense for me to start my Fast at the latest 11pm to the following night at 11pm.  On rare occasions, I would start a fast as early as 3pm.  But I found the earlier I had to deal with the Fast the earlier Life’s distractions and emotions sat on my boulder shoulders pecking me like Woody Wood to eat something.  Hunger pangs during the day just never sat well with me.  Why should it when I can sleep through half the Fast instead of being up for all of it? 😉  Still I expect this, with working, training and dealing with stupid people however.  The question is:  When is the best time for you to deal with (literally) less on your plate while being affected by other disagreeable circumstances?

That’s a personal choice.

3.  Be extra prepared for a Fast.

There are going to be without a doubt Fasts that will go according to your plan.  You set up the date.  You’ve been visualizing it the entire week and have also been setting up how you’re going to keep busy and arrive extra early for work because you won’t be stopping by the Coffee Shop.  Then there are those horrible Fasts where maybe you didn’t get enough sleep or you went too hard working out a day and a half ago and things are still lingering.  To the point where the Fast itself is completely telling you to “go fuck yourself!”   You stand there blindly like the fuck?  I thought I fucking mastered the not eating part.

So there were times when Herbal Tea assisted my hunger pangs.  Other times just the sight of Water fucked with my eyes and I became nauseous.  And this is when I learned that one 5-10 calorie stick of gum came to my rescue.  Weird, I thought?  But whatever works to get you from Point A to Point B is what I always say.

4.  Defending Fasting From Others

I thought I was being smart the first few times I fasted by writing down the word Fasting on my hands, wrists and arms because there were instances when I naturally wanted to go to my kitchen or purchase food without thinking while window-shopping.  But then drama happened, “Is that a tattoo?  Oh!  You’re Fasting?  That’s not good!  That’s dangerous.  You could die.  You’re going to slow down your metabolism and screw up your hormones.  Aren’t you defeating the purpose of lifting weights if you need to eat to maintain your muscle?”  The shit never stops!

So I stopped writing the word on myself and kept Fasting as discreet as my DM’s on Twitter while defending what I was doing to an extent.  Most people are dumb and love to bask in ignorance.  Just let them.  Most average people don’t even know what it takes to be determined, gun-ho to set a goal or workout.  Let alone what it’s like to abstain from food.  Rather than focus on the benefits they rather focus on other people’s opinions because they’re too lazy to research themselves.  I bet you if everyone admitted to Fasting and it wasn’t looked at as something only Muslims do, they be fucking doing it with no negativity in the forefront.

5.  Bad breath & Canker Sores

Counter it by brushing your teeth, gums and tongue often.. especially when servicing people face to face.

6.  Diarrhea. 

Everyone will obviously act differently.  And I have quite a few stories on this alone.  Seemed like every time I finally ate after an entire day of Fasting.  I had 15-20 minutes (because stuff like this you must time) where I had to run to the bathroom.  Or head into Starbucks after telling my friend to pull over while we were about to get on the highway and shit violently while praying no one comes into bathroom when I’m done.  Well, because it reminded me of this:

7.  Joint pain & Muscle Tightness

Just stretch, get extra rest and drink yourself into a water coma.

8.  Emotional Overload/Overreacting

I think it’s completely normal to be super sensitive when the body is going through it’s bouts of Fasting.  Expect certain things to bother you that has never bothered you before.  But at the same time understand it will go away and remind yourself that every sense/emotion is heightened because of the Fasting Process.  Write down your reflections.

The Intriguing, Yet Sloppily Written Benefits

1. I’m able to tell the difference between a mind/emotional hunger versus a true/body one.

This may be the most important thing anyone can take away from Fasting.  Are you aware when you’re hungry?  If so, is it when you’re bored, emotionally distraught at a lost for words or when you’re Body is actually HUNGRY?  Can you tell the difference between being thirsty or when your hunger pangs are all in your mind?  Are you willing to find out?

Body signals are significantly worth getting to know.

2.  I have a deeper sense of clarity.  I have less mind clutter.  I’m able to make decisions better. 

Self-explanatory, really.

3.  I have a sense for/of cleanliness. 

Maybe this is due to a subconscious and conscious detoxification process.  This includes cleaning my space and actually other people’s space as well, whether this includes the apartment (donating clothes, throwing away clutter) or the place in which I work (organizing dumbbells, filing papers).  Fuck.  I kid you not!  I went into a place to purchase a salad and I while I was waiting patiently I went to pick up all the receipts off from the floor.  I just wanted it clean.

4. I find myself yearning for Zen in every way possible.

This also means I want to live more in a state of being present and achieving a higher level of consciousness.  Not to be confused with necessarily going along with the flow.  I like some kind of structure whether it’s due to moral or restraint purposes.  But here’s an example that’s completely honest:  I can feel how the weather is like early in the morning when I’m blessed with another day for life, breath and opening my eyes.  Strange, but true.  I can feel the earth of the gray if it’s raining out or my own aura radiating like a sweet flower petal rising to touch the sun.

5.  I have enormous amounts of peaked energy throughout the day and night that sometimes I find it difficult to sleep. 

And here I thought the only time I can obtain tremendous amounts of furious energy was when I ate every 2-3 hours.   Or after a bout of hypersexual-ness?  I had a few episodes where I broke night because of such mighty energy levels.

6.  I find annoyances in the way people consume things whether for greedy reasons or cultural conditioning ones. 

I hate the thought of Malls and food courts with welcoming doors for people who are readily available to throw their souls away without a second thought into what or how their cloths and toys were made.

7.  My body feels lighter.  I feel much more agile like Spiderman.  Entirely from the inside out.

8.  Fasting resets my blood sugar levels and any grogginess I might have been feeling on a particular day that I couldn’t completely shake off on my own.

9.  Fasting shrank my stomach!

There are many fucking times where I frankly don’t care to admit when I just want to eat everything because I just like stuffing shit in my goddamn mouth.  Really I have no good reason?  However when those precious times would come around when I wanted to do nothing but overeat.  I couldn’t.  Mostly because my stomach shrank in more than one way.  So I wasn’t allowed to be a Fat ass when I wanted.  This scared the fuck out of me and also made me pretty sad.  Yeah yeah, I know I’m a fatass! 😀

10.  Experienced no constipation.

11.  Breathing becomes different. 

I noticed this while performing Yoga.  I’m able to inhale much more deeply without beginner’s strain or whatever.  So much so that it astounded me as I felt my spine and muscles lengthen to a fucking degree I wish I could describe. 😦

12.  Allowed me to forget calorie-counting to a certain point while making it easier to eat loadfuls of veggies at a time.  I now love veggie slop.  Who knew?

13.  I learned how to better listen to my body for everything including the point where a full 1 week recovery was all I needed to be able to kick up the workouts again.

At this point in time I stood away from all types of exercises, including stretching.  I never once exerted myself.  Instead I allowed all the pain from my joints and muscles to come out and heal up.  When I was done with the rest I had obviously weigh myself before and after.  I wound up losing 5lbs.

14.   Become much more thankful and grateful for meals while eliminating the need to overindulge or fall prey into strong cravings.

Actually I rarely had any cravings while Fasting.  Sometimes I felt like eating became a new experience as I started to focus on the textures of different foods and liquids.

15.  Stronger self-discipline and self-control.  I couldn’t believe I could watch people gorge on food and not once be affected by wanting some.  When it’s ON.  It’s ON!

16.  Last but not least:  The world of magical senses.  You know what they say, if you take a sense away it will amplify the other senses. 

Hello to the best sense of smell I’ve had in all of my existence.  I really don’t think it’s coincidence on why my sense of smell has increased as my taste and action for eating has decrease.   And why change any of this when I like it?

And some things I didn’t do during the times when I Fasted before, while or after:

I barely did any type of workout during a Fast.  Of course I tried and succeeded.  But at a price of being extremely lethargic.  I would stretch and maybe add a Yoga session in at best.  I also didn’t do such hardcore gruesome workouts on the night before a Fast because recovery seemed to be a bitch after.  I never overate after coming off a Fast.  Most times I couldn’t.  But I severely under-ate after.  I made sure to eat well before I was about to fast and took in more fats.  I’m sure there’s more I can put down, but I once again have said enough.

Would anyone like to share their Fasting experiences?  We’re all eyes here.

-Pennington

Even The Best Can Break Down!



This is personal.  So skip this if you always expect moi to maintain her strong-ness working at an optimum level of 110%.  

Firstly, I dedicate this Post to @WriteWendy.  Also her Org and Tumblr .  Entirely because she’s honest and raw with her own Life and I’m taking a page out her book and releasing a moment to do the same simply because she greatly inspires me.  Thanks Wendy with all my muscle fibers, heart and soul.

Yesterday I decided to do the impossible and visit my dying mother in the hospital.  Heading over there all I could feel was a bundle of heightened anxiety in the pit of my stomach that felt just like when I threaten juniors to fight in the cafeteria.  I’ve always been about entertainment in one way or another.  But seeing my mother isn’t delighting in the least.  It’s fucking devastating!  So much so that when I look into her face all I want to do is break down and cry.  There are many many reminders.

I haven’t seen her in a year.  It’s partly punishment.  It’s partly about keeping my entire sanity intact.  I heard my mother gasp in surprise as the nurse told her your daughter is here as she was changing in her personal bathroom.  I don’t know why (except that maybe the nurse was taken aback by my mother’s expression), but I felt compelled to tell the nurse I haven’t seen my mother in a long time.  Naturally she asked, “Do you live far?”  No, it’s just we really don’t get along.

For a moment she changed my loathsome perception of nurses with what she had to say:  We only have one mother.  Sometimes when people act harsh and angry, especially when they’re sick.  It’s because they believe nobody loves them.  They want somebody to take care of them and be there for them.  Don’t you notice when you give them love they are much calmer? Whatever she did to you as a kid, leave it there.  Come by and visit often.

When I finally saw my mom, I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t recognize her face.  I tried my hardest to cover the grimace but she caught it through my stricken eyes, I know I gained a lot of weight, right?  My reply:  A little.  I analyzed her face and it seems like someone stuffed two vineyard tomatoes under her cheeks how they flourish in furious mush.  I was heartbroken. 😦

Then I roamed my eyes to her hair and many of her strands were gray.  And I’m not sure what it was about youth or age or the past to present or what contradictions within me lied with wanting to run out and buy her a black tint so she can cover them?  I’m not used to seeing my mother succumb to weakness or being anything less than what she is now.  She’s a pretty good trooper with a million disguises putting politicians to shame.  And for her not to hide in plain sight just made me feel awful as I wanted to do it for her.  Jeweled travesties.  Make sense?

Mother and I chatted for what seem like a brief moment where when she decided to lay down on her bed she told me:  I missed you so much.  I haven’t seen you in a long time.  During this little time I had to reflect between what she said and what I felt with her asking me where my brother (her favorite) is and why has she never come out with the courage to tell me just how hard her ill existence is?  She grabbed out for my hand, held it and fell right to sleep.  I stuck around for a little while, wrote a note as to not wake her and thanked the nurse for being so welcoming.

But as soon as I left her room, I managed to get lost in the hospital.  I swear it was a metaphor for how I was feeling at that moment.  Before I stepped foot outside I saw a neon flashing sign: FOOD! I looked over the menu, reaching into my pockets to buy anything to shove my fucked up emotions down.  I didn’t.  I had a semi-long walk to the train station and before I made it.  I walked into 3 different food stores (including a pizza shop) just to browse food while each and everyone of them were offering their services.  Fucking gluttons! 😉

Holding back tears, thinking to myself:  How does all the parties, all the drugs, all the fun my entire family has ever had in life come down to letting go of life and losing absolutely everything in return?  How?  But I know the answers.  I know why I’m cynical.  But in the end it’s not the end.  Yet the somewhat happy ending concluded with sucking up the emotional guts to visit my mother and finally make it home successfully with healthy and whole foods from the market.

*smiles*

-Pennington