Tag Archives: Advice

Distorted Gauge


Since February I’ve had a pattern of working out straight for 2 weeks (multiple workouts) and the next 2 weeks I’ll idly be standing by wishing hard on a star that I could unearth the motivation I require to make muscle gains and decrease body weight/bodyfat – as well as gaining that feeling of being normal again (after breaking my ankle) while increasing my sexiness also.

Fast-forward to May I made my debut in the gym 9 months later.  I thought being at my second home would give me all the motivation I needed – that being around the energy of like-minded folks would get my desire burning high.  But the truth is most of those folks in the gym wouldn’t know what it’s like to be me.  And currently speaking, I’m not sure what it’s fully like to be me anymore.  I’ve been transitioning into the unknown on a myriad trip.

Ever since I broke my ankle, my existence has changed.  Everything has become distorted, painful, effervescent, unique, spiritual or unidentified.  I still have complications, and I must obtain a second and third opinion from new surgeons, in order to gain some knowledge, so things are less unknown.

However, things have changed rapidly, and now I can set up back in the gym, but I’m intimidated simply by stepping on the elliptical machine, even though I force myself, so I don’t look like a scared cat in front of others.  Aside from the intimidation, I have constant shooting pains in my foot and they go upwards and I visualize these pains as shooting stars that go into the cosmos of my calves – and I wonder why I’m in a gym at all? And one glance at the chin up assisted machine and it looks like a skyscraper both mentally and physically – how am I to climb it without being frighten on the descending part for I can slip and break my ankle again?

I feel the anxiety of nerves freeze me in place in the center of the gym and I hope nobody notices my own little drama and sense of defeat.  I hope no one notices and this is why I cover myself with an overbearing hoodie to hide behind.  I’m overweight by my standards and I don’t know how I’m not myself anymore?  I am not the gym rat I used to know.  And should I be this gym obsessed person just because I’ve been one for over a decade?  Should I act as if nothing changed when everything changed in my life?  Or should I act as if everything changed as it did and proceed accordingly?

The next month I wrestled with doubling and tripling workouts in a single day at the gym despite my innermost disruptive sentiments.  I wanted to believe I can work through this by moving forward and forcing myself on these machines that used to be my favorite friends.  I do what common people do and bring guests with me so we can workout for the purpose of keeping accountable and motivated.  Well, I burned myself out in a month and a half.  I believe I did this subconsciously until the real answer tore from its denial system and decided to surface: I disliked going to the gym.

There are things I can’t do at the moment that I miss so much like Walking Lunges or Single Stiff-Legged Deadlifts. I can’t bend my foot in half without my arch giving way to a pain quite massive that I lose all hope in working out at all.  I don’t have the balance to stay on one foot for more than 20 seconds on a good day.  And I do focus on all the things I could do like push ups, shoulder presses, seated rows and such, but not even this keeps me motivated.  The next month in the middle of June I told all my guests I can no longer go to the gym 5-6 times a week which includes the multiple sessions in a day.  I’m breaking up with the gym for a little while.  I can probably go once or twice a week on the days where my mood is as bright as the sun.  I need a mental and physical breakthrough, and until this time comes I’ve changed gears.

Now I’m back at home with workouts.  I don’t have to hide from anyone, but myself (at times).  I feel freer and am creative with the dumbbells and barbell I have at home.  I pressure myself less on who I used to be since I’m not that person in and out the gym right now.  I have different goals, and one starts with the shape of my mentality.  Side notes consist of:  Taking turns doing multiple sessions in a single day from Wii Fit, fitness DVD’s and writing my own strength-training programs.  Home workouts seem to be more intense especially when mixed with less rest time.

One day I can go hard on my body, whether it is my Legs or Yoga, and the next day I have to pull back the reigns because the sour pain in my ankle won’t let up.  It all becomes about creating balance.  It all becomes about my preparation now for when I do go back to the gym with a body and mind-frame that would be better than even the person I used to know.  I’m a different person now, and this is a fact.  I have a different body now – another fact.  And what remains is that I’m just in the midst of trying to figure everything out in the meantime.

To be continued.. work in progress.



Remain the Way



I need you to be above.
Like I know you to be.
I want you to fit like a glove.
In the way you say I need.
I require you keep alert.
And be objective.
You can go first.
I don’t mind being second sometimes.
You can take a side,
As long as it isn’t subjective.
Go the distance,
Without resistance.
Remain afloat,
Even when it’s most difficult.
Stay on the up and up.
Who desires to be miserable?
Please don’t fail me now.


I’m holding onto your different,
And your difference.
I’m giving myself – almost at – full imminence,
In the name of new innocence.
You have been the constant light
In my consuming darkness.
The only friend in my life
Who remained honest.
You were (and still are) the love
When I didn’t have any.
When I was down and heavy
Because life was off and plenty
You became the bandages
That kissed my wounds away.


Thank you.


Triangles, Love & Questions


I never had been the type to question myself as much as I do now, now that I’m older and fitting better appropriately to myself each year like a leather glove.  It’s like I want to trip over some imaginary line made out of confusion.  I’m unsure why?  Except that this might have to do with the fact that I’m human?  Still for the life of me I became faithful to writing on paper four simple words (and then some at the age of twelve) “life is too concise” to idly wait and not commit to a straight decision.

I miss the days of being cutthroat, of actually not giving a fuck here and there and in whatever which way.

I’ve always had a fascination with the shapes of triangles that come in the forms of love & romance.  So much so I seek out television shows and novels that have these captivating triangles to suck me in along with my entire will.  So much so that once again I find myself in the middle of two great men.  One is Golden Prince also known as my Partner in Crime who I’ve been in a relationship with for a decade.  Five of those years have been exclusive and completely for him.  The next five years I’ve been dating openly on and off.

The other is Dark Knight also known as the biggest crush I’ve had in the time I’ve existed on this planet.  One year later I finally got him in an odd (but not really) way of how the circle of season came around fully to form and solidify a ring, to deepen the bond that took place long ago.  We’re currently riding the wave of new.  However he comes with his own triangle and he’s in the middle of me and his live-in girlfriend of nearly a decade.

Generally speaking I always want my cake and to be able to eat it too.  (Nevertheless I play fair.)  Golden Prince has allowed me to do both and for this I’m forever grateful.  He’s the first man I’ve ever truly love and I fell in love with him at first sight 10 years ago.  He has my heart and over the decade I’ve been loyal to him in every single way possible (for you monogamous people, well, every way except in this manner at certain times).

Golden Prince can no longer deal with the fact that I’m dating other people and rightfully so being he wants a closed relationship.  I wouldn’t ask him to stay and I don’t expect him to.  I did tell him he could date other people (he refuses).  But more importantly I don’t lie to him and I keep him up to date about everything even when it pains him and in return affects me even when it comes to subtle or not-so-subtle forms of punishment.  The truth is we are at the point where things are unhealthy for the both of us mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  He has lashed out and has poisoned whatever newly found happiness I’ve enjoyed.

It’s already been stated many times how I’m not ready to be monogamous yet (if ever) again.  Now I’m on this journey with Dark Knight and I take all types of pleasure in it very much (although subject to change because we’re still beginning).  But I haven’t given thought to even being monogamous to Knight.  Although we are officially dating.  Aside from this this is far from the whole story but these questions remain and are what follow:  How do I give up my love of 10 years?  Am I making the worst decision of my life?  Continuing to have my cake while the man I devoted a part of my lifetime to slips away in the background?

I’m unable to think clearly because I’ve been restricting my thoughts and time and feelings because I don’t want to prolong the hurt of Golden Prince.  (Yes, he reads my Blogs and Twitter.)  As of right now I can’t tell if I’m actually falling for Dark Knight although I sense a fullness of positivity, bliss, love and satisfaction for my life nowadays.  I’m questioning if it’s even possible to emotionally and mentally love two people at once?  I believe you can physically/sexually love a variety of people. But to be in love with two people at once, is this possible (aside from bearing children)?

In actuality if Golden Prince would stay and allow himself to continue being with me in a nonexclusive relationship I would continue to be devoted and loyal as I’ve always been.  I’d be monogamous in an unconventional way, but monogamous nonetheless because this is what I’ve been doing for the past 5 years now.  (I only date when someone peaks my interest.)  To make it clear I am not choosing Dark Knight over Golden Prince and I’ve even expressed this to Knight since he also knows my situation.  And although I never want to walk away, it seems Golden Prince is taking the leap and being the bigger person to sacrifice our love so my current happiness can be worthwhile.

I mean, how could I not love him?  How could anyone walk away from someone so rare and special?  Regardless of the innumerable resentments, immaturity, lack of life perspective/experience and differences we have and share collectively and individually?

On the flip side:  I feel like maybe this is life’s way of saying that perhaps this decade should move on and if we really are meant to be the universe itself will know exactly what to do to bring us back together again because everything comes full circle.  I believe one of the truths also is none of us knows how to let the other go.

Signing off, Pennington.

Guys Are Never My Friends


This is a fact in my life.

Regardless of the information I do my best to create a benefit of doubt because maybe I believe in that lotto line awfully much:  Hey you never know.  Still I learn the error within a benefit.  My hunches are typically correct especially when I went with this so-called friend of mine out to the village where he put me on the spot with my sexual issues to a complete lesbian stranger and decided to purchase a vibrator along with silicone liquid for me to take home while he bought himself a cock ring.

The episode he pulled in the Pink Pussycat Boutique had me extremely upset because this is a person who thought it was fine like a friendly sport pat-on-the-ass by his own discernment of me to bring up some of my personal problems (that aren’t really problems actually) to the kind stranger who helped him get toys.

It’s unfair and there’s absolutely no reason (unless there are hidden motives) on any account for a person to set you (or anyone) up for a high level of awkwardness and a clear disregard for not only your privacy but established boundaries that are supposed to be known between so-called friends despite your everyday boldness in life.  It is not like I met him yesterday.  I know him for years.

It doesn’t give anyone the right under any circumstance to involve YOUR issues because it’s fucking YOURS.  Why is he not laying his subjects as a matter of anxiety on the table for the comforting kind stranger?  Because things are never what they seem at first.  This isn’t about him trying to figure out for my benefit.  But for his.

I am quite happy with my mind state and how it’s evolving and I’m still discovering my petite issues pertaining to sex and intimacy.  But my sex concerns aren’t for anyone, friend or foe, relative or stranger to judge, pick apart or have an open discussion in public because HE, not I, wants an objective view of why I do not masturbate or choose to have promiscuous sex.

This guy doesn’t want an objective view and he’s not looking into understanding because he already has locked into his prejudiced scrutiny. The better approach would have been to ask me privately if I find him sexually appealing.  If my not masturbating means he has zero shot at my precious vagina?  My views have good purpose and if I don’t want to masturbate, one should automatically assume I have an excellent reason as to WHY I DON’T masturbate in the first place.  (It’s not like I never done it.) Self-control and discipline since you asked. 😉

What’s upsetting as shit to me has everything to do with the boundaries he has the audacity to push.  Like on one occasion he wanted to know the color of my nipples and pussy.  Now, would he ask his male friend what color is his penis or nipples?  I highly doubt it.  So why treat me different from your male friend if I’m a friend?  (I take this friendship shit seriously.)  And this is the thing about people, they are going to try and take advantage based on what your personality is like since I’m the kind of person who talks about sex as casual as the common cold conversation in the office.  Clearly it becomes a question of:  Why not drive the extra mile and see if she’ll tell me the color of her nipples?

It’s about people who see you in a personal light and believe they know you more than most rather than think the opposite which is they don’t know who the fuck you are in spite of their own delusions.  They shove and shove and shove their own perceptions of you down your fucking throat until you vomit all those impressions they collectively collected with a bang of FUCK YOU! Than they take about thirty steps the fuck back.

I couldn’t help but wait a few days to calm my furious ass down at the gift he bought me.  I made it a note to send him text messages questioning his motives until he confirmed that he’s my friend with the potential to be a lover.  And when I asked him if the sexual tension only comes from his part alone?  He feels the sexual tension comes from both me and him, cementing the delusion further.  I told him loud and clear I only want to be friends and he could take it or leave it.

He said he wants to be my friend and didn’t hit me up for a few days.  Than of course we haven’t hung out ever since that night.  He has cancelled on me probably as many times as his other lady friend (he thought he was going to have an ongoing casual-sex relationship) did to him.  I told him simply as a friend that he has no chance with her.

But you know how things go, life, it’s a thing you have to learn yourself and even though you go through shit, you just have to laugh at it.  From my hateful heart I say fuck those benefits of doubts.  I’m going to stay with my gut as it doesn’t stray me wrong.

Plus who needs so-called friends like that?


“Empty Stomach Reality”

It’s amazing what an injury or two and some good recovery time can do for anyone.

It’s even more interesting what time unfolds when the spirit is enlighten by what’s behind the eyes of the mind.  During the course of a plain, yet therapeutic Summer I decided to auto-suggest through inscribed poetry just how I fancy to readily starve myself as a form of strict(er) discipline and vital observation.  Mostly psychological since I’m starting to believe balance may be overrated?  And by the time Fall came I dove frighteningly into the unknown:  Fasting.

What was it about not eating I feared the most?  How come it took me months to convince myself all will be okay after long inspection over a span of different sources?  Did I not have faith in my self?  Sure I did.  But I was skeptical about insulin spikes, cortisol rising after not eating 4-5 hours, starvation mode, hitting some kind of plateau and in the process losing hard earn muscle I worked my ass for.  In the end of the over-analyzing phase I rose above it as quickly as some stranger’s verbal abuse.

And even though I thought:  Can anyone actually be prepared to Fast?  Truth be told, who’s prepared to do anything in Life?  Sometimes one absorbs things by constant studies as others discover knowledge only through difficult adversity.  Either way, one has to learn how to take a punch or roll with the punches while you smile with a heart of gold and never leave your prized precise intuition at home.  But to brand your mark on everything, no?

I suppose all this fret had to surface before I could decide to take it as it comes.  Needless to say my first Fasting experience was a breeze despite the mammoth headache I underwent the next day which more than likely had to do with the fact my body was going through withdrawal from a daily abundance of caffeine.

It behooves me to point out the mere fact that there are millions of people around the globe who never reach the degree of abstaining nor disciplining themselves in the ways of zero pleasure.  Oh, the many reasons why we devour and savor our love for colorful pills, fancy glistening food packages that catch our eyes from a naughty distance, mouth sex with our drinks we call comfort with a daily dose of whatever-have-you’s of supreme pleasures no matter how fictitious or original the illusion may be when we tread enchantingly on helium brain clouds.

Once pleasure (in any form) is subtracted from your everyday life, I guarantee the background static noise one was trying to escape from will come double or triple in force.  Some people call this a Life crisis (at some point).  I call this an Avoidance of Life.  Ever wonder what happens when you’re not busy ignoring Life?  What senses were blocked but suddenly comes shooting alive again?  Would you dare to challenge yourself to abstain from not only simple pleasures but the deep dark seeds cradling your soul?  How long would you do it for?  A week?  One month or maybe six?  If not, get on my level and email me about what you learned about yourself later. 😉

Anyhow, when I first dared to abstain from pleasure in my life for a little while.  I went straight to Sex first.  My thought questions were simple:  Why am I having sex?  Is it done out of love, out of habit or because society tells me I must engage in sex?  What is natural sex and does it exist?  My month to month self-examination went well and some questions became answered while others have gone unanswered to this day.

Still some things I learned was just how adamant a person’s sexual energy or arousal level was when they walked into the room.  Sometimes their entire presence became like a bully, completely overbearing.  And during this time I despised people who were solely about sex, whether it was a friendly conversation turn provocative or whether it was/is the only center of focus in their life.  Everything from the billboards on Times Square, patiently waiting for Train on a sex-filled poster platform and listening to every scandalous lyric sex song just made it clear how disgusting these marketing tools are used to fuel everyone’s curiosity and obsession about sex again and again and again.

Then came the Nutrition part.  My only true thought was:  How do I go about detoxing my taste buds?  How do I get it to a natural state of bland without having ever done it before in my life?  Could I do this alone without a nutritionist or coach?  How long will it take?  Will this make me a better person?  And slowly, but surely I knew what it was to be able to disregard taste and all of it’s chemical friends while Fast Food Nation became my everyday study bible.

Now to get back to the full point of the subject here:  It’s dangerously strange what NOT eating can do for your way of Life.  Now I know Fasting isn’t for everyone.  However I could also say the same about the endless Diets I believe mocks the world and ourselves if you allow it.  I mean, does it not bother the millions of stupid people:  How the Fitness & Diet industry make billions solely based on that very same stupidity?  Hah!  Then my thought questions came about more like this:  Do I want to be considered a Professional Dieter?  Do I want to be consumed by Calorie Counting forever?  Do I really want to build acid in my stomach because I must eat every 2-3 hours?  Or could I do something entirely different?

And I present to you the benefits of what Fasting has done for me.  And of course you can make up your own mind and fit in your very own valid equations.  However since this post was longer than what I expected it’s..

To be continued…


Lost Sober

It’s crazy.

I mean, I know quite a few causes as to why I feel fucked in my head.  I’m this way and that way about everything.  I’m hot and cold like that song I heard on the radio.  I’m high and low just like a manic depressive or like the blood of my whorish mother.  But the subject at hand, well, I don’t know where to pinpoint it.  So I’m just going to let it hang out like my breasts once I’m settled in at home from a long day and unwind as if I were in character mode and talk to my imaginary audience.  Warning: I’m going to talk A LOT of shit!

You know how people claim nowadays it’s hard to Date?  Well, I think so, in a way.  But in a way, I think it’s always been the way it’s always been.  If anything it’s just bare boned for everyone to see.  What wasn’t allowed is allowed now.  Some men think it’s cute nowadays to not own up to their own responsibility of Chivalry.  As some women believe it’s adorable to dress up like Hookers yet act exactly as men in devaluing themselves by having sex with the entire world.  Adults should know better.  And Yes.  I blame the majority of adults.  Can’t blame the kids for they take after what they’re exposed to.

But what is it that consumes us stupidly?  During our teenage years one digests sexual experiences for better or for worse.  Things even happen at a snail’s pace.  And sometimes as teenagers we’re okay with this.  Sometimes we’re overwhelmed.  Sometimes we dwell and submit to a sex life done completely out of pleasure, pity, fun, selfishness, charity or low self-esteem, among others.  But as we mature (or so we think?), or receive the title “adult”..what gives us the right to believe that sex becomes nothing but a mad dash race to the finish line?  Why do we know our significant partners bodies so well, but find our partners to be stranger than strange on their value and belief systems?

I like to think as humans we like to throw ourselves against the current because in actuality we like to be considered fuck ups.  So we don’t have to find the courage to live with the responsibility that life is indeed what we make it.  It’s better to put no effort in happiness when happiness can change from moment to moment. Not to mention it’s a constant conscious effort to maintain one’s happiness.  If we’re always depressed we can say yes that was expected because I’m allowed to make any choice I want in the end.  It’s much easier to give up and live within the norms and restrictions of society rather than fight to be and remain an individual.  It’s also easier to regret.. than make new memories too.

It also seems like people are fine with searching for things to fill in their voids (I know I do with my Training Life) for lots of reasons.  But what I hate the most is when people make the silly decision to have sex for all the wrong reasons.  I wonder about Natural Sex and where did go?  Did it ever exist?  See, there’s a degree of dumbing oneself down like America once you engage in sex with a person you knew you shouldn’t have.

Instantly your IQ decreases.  Your standards are now the scum of the earth.  You feel ashamed.. you torment yourself and it trickles down and others can tell (like me!) by observing your behavior like a marriage settlement (or arrangement?) and than what do you know another regret..another fucking void, another pill to pop (possibly?), a drink (maybe?) or everyone’s tried and true… run back to the good ol’ ex (is it really fulfilling?) or go to church to bargain with..what?..something foreign.  Ah, but you, my friend lack faith in everyone including yourself.  Do you start back on Square One?  *cheeky smile*

I have many different issues on the line.  And I don’t know if I would call Dating one of them as it’s definitely something much more internal than that.  I have this pattern and I notice it last year as it became super clear like the time I practiced abstinence only to sense other people’s sexual energy/frustration.  For what seem like the life of me I couldn’t bring myself over the hump of first base with a guy.  And when I do, I instantly drop the word bombs on the guy some time or another during one of our hang-outs:  Once I kiss you I’m never going to see you ever again.

Most think I’m joshing.  I’m not.  Why would I kid about something like this?  Especially this one guy I truly did like despite the language barrier between us.  We got hot and heavy in the hotel room, where we made out passionately and I even allowed him to give me foreplay, lick my kitty all up until I almost came.  (The only reason why I didn’t cum was because I didn’t want to give him the satisfaction of anything really.)  And after that night I told him the same thing I’m never seeing you again.  He thought it was a joke.  (I probably would have thought it was a joke too especially if I just finished licking someone off. 😉 )  I wind up breaking his heart.  Completely unintentional though.  What else am I to do?  I have a trivial problem.  But I’d like to eventually get around to fixing it.

What I know is: I’m good for a stimulating conversation.  Peer pressured to have a beer or two.  I’m in it for a quick thrill.  I love the chase.  I love the fake conquest.  The imaginary notch under my million dollar diamond wrestling belt.  I love that I’m good at luring people in.  I like to see them struggle in my fantasy web.  I create a picture that allows me to be the Exception.  Yet if they give me a little, I’ll nibble on the bait.  If they stroke my ego just the right amount I’ll flash them a breast or two.  I only play for a minute as long as I’m in control.  See, if he shows me his greedy excitement, I split quicker than a guy who learns his girlfriend is pregnant.  I rarely ever make it to a home run.

Only once two years ago.