Tag Archives: alone

This Is How to Disappear


On and off,
We shared the same place
We laughed, cried,
And fought
But we knew how to
Put on the same face

And when I left,
Years later you said,
“While you were away I felt abandoned.”
I said I was looking for independence
And that’s when I knew
Things weren’t how I imagined.
We saw the world differently
Because the one who survives
Is the last one left standing.

You were always chasing the sun.
And the things we never had.
Where I was the one chasing the gun,
And all the things that were terribly sad.
I preached meaninglessness.
And the importance of chasing
Poetry and pain; it was here when
I thought we had the same face.

You said, “Come back. I can’t do it all on my own.”
But this is how you grow strong bones.
Besides, I’ve been doing it alone for years.
And there you stood on oath,
Until you upped and disappeared
Like a ghost that haunts me still.

Do you ever look back?

-Pennington

P.S.

The title borrowed from one of my favorite singers.  Their song entitled “How To Disappear.”  What can I say if it spoke to me?

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Mindset


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It doesn’t matter how many bodies fill up the spaces around me
My brain doesn’t brim with poppies, it doesn’t brim with poppies
It never mattered if I had love or bask in it
I don’t recall asking for this:  Planet earth and masking business
It never mattered how many accomplishments I’ve chased
How many lovers I taste or how many thoughts were displaced
All those hugs I received, all those pets peeved
All the hands I’ve ever held, all those black magic spells
All the apartments I’ve entered, all those heartless tempers
I grew up without a mother’s love created by the slough stuff
I grew up without a childhood – long lived misunderstood!
I grew up without a future, without dreams of stupor
And other people talk about advantages
And life is what you make it with or without bandages
And others go on to say you were born in America
As if you couldn’t somehow be at a disadvantage?
But maybe I’m destined to feel nothing
Or destined to keep reaching and running for the invisible
Maybe I’m destined to self-destruct based on principle 
Or maybe I’m destined to be alone listening
To sad-core, humming, ever so lovely, to the ugly
Mindset

-Pennington

Accommodating Self (Part 2)


BB fitness
The best decision I made was breaking up with the gym.

I did a ton of reflecting.  In general I have no problem working out at home, but I just never knew I’d feel more comfortable working out at home around the clock as much as I do.  Training at home has allowed me to take the pressure off mentally as I can’t compare myself against who I used to be.. way back when.  Aside from less self-demands I can’t ego lift at home like I can ego-lift at the gym.  It does suck I can’t feed off people’s energy in the gym, but the focus is deep having to feed off my own energy.  It’s been about 4 months since I’ve been strength-training at home and I must say it’s been beneficial for me mentally, emotionally, physically, financially and spiritually.

Here are a few reasons why I enjoy training at home nowadays aside from the little I just mentioned:  I can be myself.   I don’t have to smile, be polite, and pretend I’m in a good mood or have small conversation when I don’t want to.  I can workout whenever I want without time restraints or gym holidays getting in the way.  I can focus 110% on my form, on my breathing and zero in on the way I feel mentally or emotionally.   I have to push myself differently and get extra creative making home workout programs so they are super effective and exhausting because that’s what I enjoy.

Also I don’t have to feel uncomfortable or awkward trying to hide my extra fat in huge hoodies and sweat pants.  I can rock a spaghetti-strap tank top and spandex and I wouldn’t secretly judge myself in front of others and make the awkwardness awkward and obvious to those who may or may not judge me at the gym.  (Judgement-free zone only happens at home and not at Planet Fitness.)  I don’t have an aversion at home, but I do have one outside – where I secretly believe people can tell if I previously hurt my ankle or not.  (Yes, it’s mental.)  Also I don’t have to spend over $112.00 on Metro Card money to travel to the gym and back home.

Then there’s the other obvious like I don’t have to wait for machines during peak time.   I compete with myself, build my confidence and track record rather than pressure myself to compete with the person I used to be in the gym while being at the gym.   On a really good note, with at-home workouts, I can do laundry at the same time I train.  And as an introvert – I do enjoy my time alone.

New inspiration?  Now over the past month and a half I’ve been newly inspired by Ballet Beautiful.  I owe it to BB for re-motivating me again.  I can do any of their workouts at home and spread it out among the day (on top of my weight training) for minutes at a time multiple times a day and night.  The exercises, technique and workouts themselves are extremely challenging and work very well!  Ballet Beautiful approach comes off more about quality than quantity and the workouts itself are about strength, power, flexibility, balance, technique and grace in a totally different way.

BBStrengthI absolutely swear by Ballet Beautiful and I haven’t been doing it very long at all.  In the past I’ve written about how I enjoy the extremes of both bodybuilding and ballet as I find them both to be very similar in terms of disciplinary action, strength, beauty, aestheticism, athleticism and art.  I love them both.  And I feel like I want to embrace them both and see where they lead me to.  For the good month of August I fell in love with Ballet Beautiful for countless reasons aside from what I perceive ballet to be – graceful.  One reason why I love Ballet Beautiful is because of the minimalist style.  Two is because the exercises and stretches involved are complex, detailed and difficult.  Third reason is BB has increased my motivation by 100%!

All this time, I was searching for something.  Strangely – and out the blue – I fell in some kind of dear love for Ballet that started around 2009.  But, I didn’t know something totally different from weightlifting would give me the “wow” factor and innovative inspiration I needed.  In ballet, there’s a quiet and classical tone set, as well as an elegant breathtaking history, same as Bodybuilding for me.  There’s art, power, focus and balance in every single ballet movement which I find irresistible.

Of course, a few times a week I will continue to devote time and effort to strength-training, but it was Ballet Beautiful that took me to another place mentally, emotionally and physically.  It’s because I can start fresh and it’s because I’m not bound to the past decade and associations of weightlifting.  Recently I started to realize how my training has been changing in ways I’m not fully understanding yet.  It seems weightlifting doesn’t have the same flavor for me – maybe because I associate the past decade with weightlifting?

I’m a new person now.
And I want my training to reflect this as well.

BBQuickTip-ReEnvision-final-revHere’s what I know now:  I have a new vision for my body.  I don’t want my old body back because I don’t go backwards.  I want a more symmetrical and streamlined look.  I want to be more refined.  I want to be less soft.  I want to be less bulky.  I want less of the comfort I’ve had with my body in the past.  I want new strengths.  I want new exercises.  I want new challenges.  I want new posture.  I want new everything!

I will continue to focus on smaller muscles because all the bigger muscles on my body are well-developed.  I will continue to work on the tiny details in every single muscle.  I will continue to use my first love – dumbbells and barbells no more than twice a week and no less than one.  Weightlifting will always have a home in my heart, but what I want now and what motivates me now is vastly different.  I’m going to enjoy shifting.

And who knows what it might bring?

P.S.

One of my current goals is to go to the gym twice a week for extra cardio purposes.  I have an initial 30lbs to lose.  I’ve already dropped 7lbs in 2 weeks.  It’s game on.

-Pennington

Assigned


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I’m too cold.
But, I’m not callous.
I believe I’m meant to be alone,
Even though
My deck of cards contain malice.
I have a heart of gold
Because I believe in
Good balance.

What do you say?
I’m cerebral.
Do you pray?
Or fight against evil?
I can be your part-time hero.
And even then
I will let you down
By being in the middle.

And what do you say?
I’m detached, dislodged.
I don’t belong here.
I’m only a fog.
I’m a burn in a throat –
A clear strict scotch.
An aftershock full of scars,
Just you watch.

And what can I say?
I want a young sharp mind.
I want it primed, full of rhymes
And perfectly timed.
I want to cuddle with an objective book.
You can join me,
But get your own.
I prefer when things are assigned.

-Pennington

I Don’t Belong


During my periodic monthly episodes of blood, increased hormones, life force and such taking over, I tend to get a bit gloomy, while becoming overrun by immaturity, not to mention, I write more carelessly than I like to admit throughout this instance.  So, if you’re looking for something thrilling, inspiring, and poetic or whatnot, you’ve come at the wrong time.  There’s no true significance in this entry, except that I’m venting.

Throughout the course of my life, I never thought I belonged anywhere.  There were things I’ve always enjoyed like reading, writing, receiving education, sex and being physically active.  And although I’m aware that one can be content and isolated away from the conventional world, sometimes I can’t help but wonder how would my mind and heart have been shaped like if I did feel I belonged to something?  Would I have felt less alone or more engaged to the world like how dreamers dream profusely of that lotto ticket?

I don’t belong to friends.  I have zero (doesn’t include the fabulous ones I have made online or the two ex-boyfriends in my real life that I consider to be like family).  Growing up, it was hard to blend in and follow the disgusting girls into their femininity and twin-like mirroring behavior.  I took pride in being a tomboy and in being an individual, whereas most appeared to benefit from being a replica of another, so it wasn’t a question why I was constantly the first to be flat-left in the blink of an eye.

I thought things would naturally get better once I got older because of better judgment.  Apparently not!  From the twenties, and into the early thirties (of where I am now), it seems I meet the wrong types of people.  Some of them believe friendship is about sugarcoating, living with illusions, and never involves the truth for personal enlightenment and growth.  So, I don’t belong to friends.

I don’t belong to family.  I only have one favorite aunt, whom I took after, to a small degree.  I’ve been working on my rapport with her for the past year because part of the new me is to be better acquainted with family, although I dislike nearly everyone in it.  It’s ironic; I believe the injustice of life has been slowly taking her away from me.

I digress, however.  Friends are a lot like family.  It involves fitting into a certain mold.  And it’s hard for me to be the type of person who can easily overlook their principles, values, beliefs in such a way where I can willingly blend in with the rest of my hypocritical family.  I haven’t been blessed with any true friend or relative.  I just keep bumping into the wrong people.  And why have the wrong people in my life, when it’s better to be true to myself and live within truth instead of a lie?

I don’t belong to fitness.  I work out faithfully.  I don’t eat clean majority of the time.  I don’t take numerous selfies.  I don’t buy expensive supplements.  I don’t feel the need to show off my body.  I don’t have the desire to inspire or motivate others because they usually fall short of my standards.  I no longer truly look up to the fitness professionals of the sport as role-models.  I don’t even have people in my circle who are diehard fans of training or weightlifting.

In a place of fitness and the gym, it’s my happy place and true religion.  But with the masses making a mockery out of fitness (mostly on the internet), where egos turn fit people into assholes and where asking for well-being guidance is replaced by a hand asking for money; I feel as if I’m further away from this sort of crowd and in my own ways, I feel more alone than ever.

I’m sure it’s all about the attitude and perception of mine and how I live in a matter-of-fact system.  Nevertheless, it doesn’t change the fact that I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.  But please, don’t get me wrong, I love myself and I am who I am today because I never thought the grass was greener on the copycat’s side.  I never thought to fit readily into the methods of the conformist world which occupied family, friends or gyms I belonged to.

I just wonder..

-Pennington

Unoccupied yet Occupied


work_in_progress

The internal struggle is real. So I believe, within my struggle. For months I’ve been battling and fighting and influencing and along the way I’ve made some mistakes all the while raising my head as lofty as the Statue of Liberty. Only to get fired by the place in which I worked for over 5 years. It’s finalized and it’s severed and within it’s severance I’ve learned many different things to the parts of a story.

Like for one, being in denial of how one really feels about any given situation. How does one center themselves in the midst of what they truly don’t want to consider because they suppose that actually feeling within the moment will turn to perpetual weakness? Or how much of what we do in the present and future stems from our past childhoods? For example: I cringe at unfairness and this is derived from being treated unfairly as a child.

Moving on if you follow the series of my thoughts: Perhaps it’s better and clever to give an oath to being silent and perform character assassination rather than stand up with pride on your side and give your two cents on how to resolve operations or how to fix the unfairness in the face of favoritism and being human?

It seems that silence is golden and silence is taken more seriously and silence is safe and silence means that one day when you finally decide to speak up that somebody may listen to you attentively with one head tilted to the right the way they used to when they stopped listening because you’ve opened your mouth too much but only because it was encouraged. But perhaps they encouraged for manipulative reasons?

Or maybe it’s ridiculous to believe that an idealist can be practical in the world of business and where realism is concern, that there isn’t a place for such majestic and honest principles?

Perhaps it’s better to turn the other way and remain silent and follow the herd because being a leader means standing alone and standing alone means everyone is against you at a certain point in time because they lack the courage you have because they don’t have a big bite or enough fight because they wouldn’t put their job on the line like you would.

All this is why I’ve been fired.

-Pennington

I Know Myself



I know myself well enough to know what my boundaries are within a single moment in which I stand as a human, part flesh, part energy in Mother Nature’s grand land..

Sometimes one has to sacrifice themselves for a greater cause other than their physical being.  Other times like this weekend, one may have to sacrifice their patience, reserved energy and sanity for a friend, for money.

Working for 14 hours and being away from home for 16 hours isn’t a thing that occurs naturally.  Nor would I desire it to.  I, fortunately, don’t work in a field which requires this extreme amount of time out of my precious day.   All for personal reasons.  All because I Know Myself.  However working a double shift as a favor for my friend.  Getting extra cash to make sure I pay my part of the rent with my roommate doesn’t seem to be harmful, now does it?.

But it is for someone like me.

I’m a preferred loner.  A superstar devoted introvert.  An outcast from society’s standards.  A nonconformist with goodwill, good faith and tremendous beliefs.  I’m otherworldly, this I know.  And therefore I’m in a streak of anger because I’ve yet to recharge my energy back to the status that I own and work with at an optimal level well.

At the moment, the sun caresses my face and though it is seemingly beautiful, I find no beauty in it.  Tis’ the life of being an imperfect human.  Losing oneself in emotion.  Being consume quite easily by the dark hands that are always reaching out to cradle your every ounce of vulnerability.  My sanity turn to small bouts and tantrums of insanity and overshadow what happy thoughts I may create.

And this is me.

Pennington