Tag Archives: Auto-Pilot

There Are Good Days and Bad Days


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I’m floating in and out of sadness. Every once in a while it catches up to me like a bad childhood memory. I try to face it at times. I also try and run away. But mostly I remain on auto-pilot. I envision myself just like the cat that has a balloon wrapped around the midline of its body — floating into the same sky I did mere months ago. I’m physically, mentally and spiritually exhausted. I’m spent in ways I didn’t know I could be.

I go a few steps forward and everything seems okay in the world again. I enjoy daylight and saying yes to people who ask for small favors. I try and walk unassisted for blocks even though the pain is massive and my limp is unattractive. And on the good days, I take to doing light cleaning in the house where my lower back flares and tries to fight me to the point of my giving up. I won’t give in. I love telling my body what to do with my mind.

After seeing my surgeon and the physician’s assistant, they both came to the conclusion that my ongoing pain has been due to the aggression of PT. They gave me an aircast brace for stability purposes and to hopefully decrease the pain. Then they told me if in 4 weeks there’s still pain we’ll take some x-rays. And I’m just wondering how long man? How long? I know I heard the doctors say it can take up to a year in order for your body to feel back to normal. But I was working hard day in and day out in hopes I wouldn’t be in that statistic.

I’ve been sucking it up. I’ve adjusted overnight. So, can I get a little something back that isn’t comfort food or Netflix or reading or writing or short evening walks to try and improve my gait? Where is my additional luck? Has it gone in hiding? And, yes, this is my bitching because on bad days this is how I feel: I’ve been devoted to myself since day one of this accident. I’ve done everything I was supposed to and continue to do now. My darker days I owe to my menstrual cycle and I hover over negatives as if it’s about to go out of style.

Wish me well.

I feel
like
I’m
dying
again.

-Pennington

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Motivation Absent


Big Apple Powerliftting Competition

It’s interesting how someone from the outside (generally those who don’t surpass their or your own limits) would consider I’m motivated, when in actuality I’m not.  I know countless workouts in a week or multiple training sessions at any given time of day or night would give a person the impression I’m motivated.  I hate to break some peoples heart, but I don’t remember the last time I had a super drive making me feel invincible.

What someone else perceives as easy for me, probably is, but only because I made it so.  For years, I didn’t devote time to cardio.  Now I do.  It only took bad roommates, hating my job, brainwashing myself on how the fitness professionals do it and whining excessively until I finally got to the gym to do my cardio five times a week (sometimes six).  Now I do it without bad roommates, with or without a job, devoid of brainwashing and endless whining.  I’m on auto-pilot.  There’s not a moment to question, I just depart blindly.  The only actual question that may come up is:  How intense am I going to make it this evening?  And do I need a cup of Joe?

Weight-lifting is of course my first love.  It provides me everything I need like comfort, stimulation, anger management and allows me to release any stress or sexual pent up energy I have building inside.  The dumbbells, barbells and cable machines are always there for me.  They never let me down.  They never reject or disrespect me.  They’re my home.  My happy place.  My everything!  But, when I’m lacking motivation, lifting weights can slightly feel like a drag.

These are moments where I’m overthinking reps, sets, what exercises to do and I put eleven through seventeen different exercises in front of myself just to further the demoralizing effect.  And even when my blood is sizzling, the sensation of the pump is growing and the hard steel is crushing my skin, there’s a feeling of lost drive.  I know what it’s like to be at my peak for fitness (conditionally speaking) or for motivation.  And, lately I just don’t have it.

This Saturday is a Powerlifting Competition which I’ve been invited to.  This will be my first time being in a Powerlifting Competition.  I’m not sure what to expect, except big weight, big tanks and perhaps even bigger growling.  I’m super excited and am trying to bring a small group of great online friends (who I’ve already met) with me!  On a side note:  I did flirt with the idea of being in the competition myself, regardless of the weight class (I’m sure I’d be heavyweight), but this would’ve involve buying gear and I bet I wouldn’t even know how the fuck to get into any of it.  Perhaps, next year?

With this competition coming tomorrow I’m hoping somewhat that being in this atmosphere and watching other people work tremendously at this event will be my ticket to gain and achieve the inspiration I need before winter came over and shook it’s naked trees of death on me.

-Pennington