Unnecessary Selfishness


abstract-woman-femile-girl-art--fall-amy-giacomelli I speak the only way I know how – from the heart.

I’ll never forget how you left me solid cold at one of the hardest times of my life.  I’ll never forget how you made everything about you when I was the one suffering from a broken ankle with no income and wondering where I was going to live.  I’ll never forget how all those rare moments you sat by my side like when my mother died and you were just a body, never really there – on your phone all day disrespecting us at her wake.  You were just a body, and so was I.  I was your masturbation device for years, but we did start with love once upon a time – and this is still up for debate.

I’ll never forget the time when life brought to my attention how heartless you were – waiting at the clinic with me to have an abortion.  And all you complained about was lack of sleep, yet I was faced with the decision of having a gargantuan life force taken out of me.  And when we went back to my house, there was no mention of how I felt from what I had to do for the second time in my life.  The truth is:  You went right to sleep as if nothing happened because it didn’t happen to you.  I’ll never forget about the first abortion either because you weren’t there when you could have taken the day off work to be with me.  The truth again:  You didn’t want to be there, and this was evident by the second experience.  I’ll never forget how you made all my problems into something that was never yours to support or deal with.

Thank you for showing me how love was never meant to feel.  Thank you for never being my rock and for never taking on anything you didn’t want to handle – at least this last part you were honest about.  Thank you for letting me know that sex was the thing that kept you going and that you didn’t mind taking over and over again.  Thank you for never protecting me in the ways I should have been.  Thank you for never treating me like royalty.  Thank you for your unnecessary amounts of selfishness.  Thank you for showing me when it was time to walk out.  Without this – I would’ve kept thinking this kind of love was normal, but it wasn’t love, and this behavior wasn’t normal in itself.  Thank you.  I’m at a better place now and in the care of a profound love.

-Pennington

Shameless


Ms. Marvel 1

I haven’t been pissed off all day.  The day has been good to me and I honestly can’t complain although I tried on 6 pairs of Lululemon Athletica pants to find the perfect fit and eventually gave up though that was my Personal Best in a fitting room in my lifetime.  Oh and I failed with 2 1/2lbs dumbbells with a Master Trainer working on my rotator cuff injury.  But, the point is, I like to be angry.  So now I’ve been looking for something to upset me and naturally I found it!

Here’s the question:  Why would Pauline Nordin (creator and founder of FightDiet.com) openly and publicly bash Dana Linn Bailey (an IFBB Pro) on her Facebook Page?

I don’t understand it.  In general, I will never understand why women rather put one another down as oppose to lend a helping hand or “bigging them up” in the process of dedication and discipline in a world where we bleed monthly cycles, choose to give life and where religion crucifies us.  We need unity in order to reach the top globally.

Growing up I used to believe it was the men who kept women down (aside from powerful political positions, etc and such).  But the older I became, the more I started to observe how horrible women are to other women without rhyme or reason.  They just lash out for their own purpose, own agendas and quite possibly for no other reason than perhaps they didn’t bond with their biological mother or someone spilled coffee on their favorite blouse.  Who really knows?

So, no, I don’t agree with women hating on other women ESPECIALLY when it concerns bodysculpting and/or bodybuilding and all that applies concerning this subject.  It’s difficult for any woman to build muscle or to get super lean for thousands of reasons say hormones to holding a higher percentage of bodyfat than men.

And for a woman who’s supposed to be for women everywhere, who considers herself a business/professional woman and a public figure with lots of fans on her Facebook Page who constantly pushes her FighterDiet concept to everyone (to become lean and muscular) to state (while displaying a photo of DLB) that she finds another Fitness Model a Nay as oppose to a Yay and isn’t sexy or healthy is downright disgusting.  It says a lot about her character.  Mostly her flaws within them.

Why preach about being lean and muscular but get on another woman’s case for being exactly that?  It’s basically calling the kettle black.

For me, it’s important to have support, to never put people down even when they’re starting from a low place (or in this case super high place).  Naturally I would presume that the Fitness Industry should be here as a community of like-minded supportive individuals for crying out loud.  Granted we may not all see eye to eye or share the same physique ideals or have the same training/diet philosophies.  But this is why it’s important to be an individual, to be different, to be unique, to be humble, to have integrity.  But also to be respectful of others.

The fact remains that the Fitness Industry and the Fitness Enthusiasts and Pros should be the first to lend a healthy and high demand of concern and care for the very same people who put in their hard work and effort regardless of how one is perceived physically because their beliefs are “it’s not feminine or sexy-looking.”  And what does it matter to you/her if you aren’t the person you’re speaking of?  What’s feminine?  What constitutes as masculine?  Is it a label?  Or a matter of perception?  Are they illusions? Or a matter of stereotypes?

This woman Pauline isn’t immune to body issues like the millions of women on the universe.  There have been statuses and even blog related posts about how people get on her case for how she looks like:  Strong, muscly and very lean.  So to pick, give a public statement/opinion on another Pro’s body is outrageous and it comes off like a form of betrayal.  Mostly for every other woman who does take the art and sport of building muscle and getting lean seriously (which sadly, includes herself).

It’s 2012 and we’re going into 2013 and there are lots of women who still refuse to get a handle on things.  By things, I mean what’s wrong and what’s right. When it comes to assisting and encouraging other women with everything involving Fitness (and out of it) and their daily lives.  It’s a moral and dignity game.

Can women allow other women to live muscular and strong?  Can other women find it within themselves to learn how to be encouraging rather than put another woman down for being who she wants to be?  (Aside from sluts.  Fuck sluts! ;-))  When you judge someone based completely on looks (or money or what car they drive or what books they read), it says a lot about one’s character FLAWS.. especially when one is doing it in public for others (especially their fans) to see.

It’s utterly shameless.

-Pennington

No Well-Wishers Here!


I can honestly say in my life I never had any legitimate friends.

Like one who actually looks out for you, grabs you by your stubborn horns and knocks compelling sense into your brain so you do not go repeating the same dead-end cycle through life.  One who dares to put you in better situations because they want more for you (than you probably do for yourself?) rather than keep you in the same decreasing spot (as they) in hopes you’ll always need them in some low self-esteem dependency sort of way.

Not the kind of friend who allows another cunt to grab you by your hair from behind as she watches your temple get smashed into a concrete wall before you could even figure out what’s truly going on.  Or the kind who never seems to let go of the past as to why they’ll never help you get into a higher-paying job again because you know how everyone never has a fitting period of unquestionable mistakes and arrogant immaturity.

There has been times where I lost myself in yearning for a best friend badly that I’ve betrayed my own preachings and discarded my human behavioral theories.  However, in return, I paid the heavy price of being burned by the process of another life lesson.  Oh how magically magnificent it is to be enlighten by what you always knew to be infallible by the advantage built into our DNA called:  Intuition!

There are moments where having patience is greater than throwing trust into words or silly superstitious stuff say horoscope written for the general population.  Or what I call “get-by actions” that are led by another whereas they provide the basics and participate in the bare minimum of what it takes to be in your life (whatever that may be for somebody like you).

Now I haven’t truly given up on perhaps the idea of possibly gaining a friendship where all becomes daffodils, butterflies and two-way streets and rights within the world.  But I feel old in my thinking and the modern way of believing makes it harder to maintain the dream of maybe.  No, not because I’m bitter.  But because I’ve been doing fine by myself for thirty years now.  Maybe fixing this would be the problem?  So hesitation is the one that grants my defense permission to act how it wishes.

There’s more to this story and perhaps not what you think. 😉

-Pennington

Where’s The Loyalty?


What’s the first thing you think about when you hear the word: Loyalty? Do you naturally come up with the pet you own in your house? You know like a dog or a cat?  Do you think “Man this world has gone to shit, where even the companies I work for aren’t Loyal anymore?” Well, I’m going to touch on one topic only. Women, quite obvious to me, have an issue with being loyal to….

I’ve always been confused by the unfaithful culture, the joy turn backstabbing, the friendly or bitchy betrayal we’ve grown so accustomed to since childhood or with our own mothers, to why men love to be in the middle dedicating their own fabricated stories to both ends of the spectrum  in between two women friends who are about to have a friendship more broken than a mom who finds her rumored gay son to have hung himself.

Where is the loyalty between women?  Why does it seem so hard to get along with women?  Where did this start?  Why does it happen still til this day?  Do women not care about other women?  Why can men have best friends and not have to worry about ever ridding his best friend, even after his best friend sleeps with his woman?

I find something very wrong with this picture.
Despite my ways of being a different breed of woman.

Have you notice ladies, how you can grow up with your cousins/best friends and somewhere along the line, say by the time you’re 16 years old, something happens?  You guys have a falling out, but it was as soundless as giving your spouse the silent treatment. Never in your brain would you have imagined that the friend you did everything with (from abortions, to drunk wallowing parties, to clubbing, using men, lying to your parents, covering each others backs, to learning tricks from one another from making your pants tighter to squeezing into size 3 pants knowing you both were a size 5) wouldn’t be around anymore.

Have you notice how women are willing to give up their best friends over some guy? Wait let me repeat that again: HAVE  YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WOMEN ARE WILLING TO GIVE UP THEIR BEST FRIEND FOR A GUY? WHY? How and when did it become important for a woman to keep a man much closer than a friend? Again, where’s the loyalty among women? And why haven’t we, after so many generations, have done nothing to change this fact? Why is it hard to bond and bring a whole diversity of Sisterhood together. Why do all the men get to have all the fun with their guy friends? Does this last fact not bother enough women in the world to want to change?

I never understood why women find their men to be so important. I know women, FULL GROWN WOMEN who find having/being with a man to be a matter of Life and Death. To the point where they’ll more than easily and have more than easily given up their own kids, all for the chase. Last year I met 2 women, who I wanted so deeply to help and be great friends with. But as long as their men were around, they couldn’t get out of that negativity. One was getting abuse physically by her bodybuilding boyfriend. She thought he was vital to her life. And the other woman, well, let’s just say that CPS had to get involved of her boyfriend abusing her daughter. To make matters worse, he wasn’t the father. Why don’t these women see with clearer eyes as to how horrific all this truly is?

The majority of men will leave when they feel they’ve had enough of the qualities or vagina of a woman. Men will backstab a woman quicker than what the woman’s best friend is willing to do. But women are more than readily to overlook the many times her boyfriend/husband has stabbed a dagger through her back. This has always baffled me. And then I question, “Why?” Could it be security reasons? Could it be for companion reasons? Sex? There is nothing one man could possibly have that another man can’t have in the future. And definitely the majority of men aren’t worth giving a friend up for.

I also never understood those silly girls/women who have the nerves to leave their best friends/friends just because they have kissed or slept with their guy. Sex is a physical thing and some women need to understand that there’s nothing emotional about it, even if their men whines and says, “Yes sex is wonderfully and incredibly emotional when I have it with you.” It’s bullshit! Wait til he cheats on your ass because you aren’t doing something he wants you to do. Then, what happens? No best friend to cry to, eh? I’ve had friends in the past who has slept, kissed and whatever have you with my boyfriends. And I don’t give a fuck. Why should I? It was his and her choice. But I remained friends with her the next day because life is too short to not have any type of True Loyalty. And that’s what I look for in people.

Does my friend fucking my guy have anything to do with loyalty? No. And if you need proof, just ask yourself: Why can men be friends with their best man after he fucked the woman of his life? If they can do it! Women can do it too. Understand men place emphasis on different things as women do. And sex, once again, isn’t emotional, ladies. Ever heard the saying: “Women give sex to receive love and men give love to receive sex.” Who’s the idiot in this equation?

All this thinking came to light right after I notice that not one single one of my female friends from the past has come to search me through Facebook (as I have them). And I find it strange, (except it’s not really odd at all), how the only ones who searched for me were men. But men aren’t looking for loyalty, unless it has to do with their penis. Men only searched me because they want to have sex with me, because they figure if they didn’t have a chance with me back then, that they could try me out now. Maybe they think I’ve lowered my standards? 😉

And this led me to all this ramble: How is it hat women aren’t even loyal to get back and in touch  with the people who started out loyal to them in the first place?  In a way, this saddens me.

Pennington