Tag Archives: Brother

This Is How to Disappear

On and off,
We shared the same place
We laughed, cried,
And fought
But we knew how to
Put on the same face

And when I left,
Years later you said,
“While you were away I felt abandoned.”
I said I was looking for independence
And that’s when I knew
Things weren’t how I imagined.
We saw the world differently
Because the one who survives
Is the last one left standing.

You were always chasing the sun.
And the things we never had.
Where I was the one chasing the gun,
And all the things that were terribly sad.
I preached meaninglessness.
And the importance of chasing
Poetry and pain; it was here when
I thought we had the same face.

You said, “Come back. I can’t do it all on my own.”
But this is how you grow strong bones.
Besides, I’ve been doing it alone for years.
And there you stood on oath,
Until you upped and disappeared
Like a ghost that haunts me still.

Do you ever look back?



The title borrowed from one of my favorite singers.  Their song entitled “How To Disappear.”  What can I say if it spoke to me?


I saw the pain in his eyes
A long story written with family ties
The cry for help
A disguised contempt

Like a poisonous suicide attempt
Destined to have met
Red-flags, flower petals
And solitary cement
In hopes of catching
The audiences’ attention
Rather than offer mind
To his impervious reflections.

I heard his voice quiver and cracking
As if he were at the height of puberty
As if he were lashing
Like broken abused violins scratching

At the hands between

Innocence, misery,
Comfort and history.

I see he cut his hair short
Looking to resort a kind of support
And I know thinning disappeared from his mind.
He keeps picking up branches
Setting them in lines,
And at the core he finds
There was once upon a time
When thumbs were sucked
And he lied on mommy’s bosom
Believing it created luck
Maturity questioning,
Is there a thing as such?

The growing beast of realization
Of not having nothing is settling in
And I watch
His globe spin
His demons and angels wrestling
He investigates:
Does the past have wings?
Can I allow others to pull my puppet strings
And still wind up King?

Which way til
The pendulum
Which way til
The pendulum




Always interesting how when someone has a principle they live by.  There’s seem to be the only one that matters.

What makes my acquaintance believe his principle is better than mine?


He would simply justify himself into believing that he is and his family are better than mine.  The reasons are many as follows the great luxuries of life like:  Money, Land, Travel, Support, Encouragement, Structure, Goals, A Childhood (to some degree) & An Eye For An Eye approach.  Since his Asian culture calls forth the magical land of perfected obligation to his parents from birth and being the Chinese Eldest is both detrimental and vital to his Asian existence and being his family have provided him thus far he feels he has something to justify himself to.

And this isn’t true in my book.  Especially when he claims to live by a  principle of “family comes first no matter” how deep the sacrifice goes down the rabbit hole.  No matter how you bleed your own self-worth out your fragile flesh system.

If family comes first – this is the principle – then it doesn’t matter how little they’ve given me since I was born.  It doesn’t matter how I raised myself all alone with the cynical wolves of the world.  I chose first and foremost, the length of time to give a fuck about those I grew up with, despite the deception and trickery of my own blood, as do many others around the globe.

But because my family has taken advantage of me endlessly and have chosen not  to give me anything in return, it’s in his right to get mad at them for me?  No.  No.  No.  I’m a grown woman.  I take care of myself.  I know my boundaries.  I’ve chosen to give up my family and let them slip away like the life of a close pet being fed the Death Serum through a syringe, slowly fading to white, gray, black.  Just so I can find some peacefulness.  And this is the decision I’ve made.

However, for anyone to shine upon feelings I do not wish to own at any given moment is an insult, a form of disrespect to the ancient dignity to my face and behind my stony back.   This is negativity to the fullest amendment and I’m not happy about this.  When it’s time for me to make a choice for my family (in this case) my brother, to make MY life easier for me and not as difficult as Clashing with the Titans of the past, well then,  I will do what’s right.

Whatever works to allow me to sleep at night.