I sit here drinking my Psyllium Husk and my mind comes to life as any old night bird does with the usual nocturnal attention and I’m coming out to say don’t we all own stupid thoughts? There are many moments where I’m not proud, more so, than I am when it comes to views particularly of the narrow-minded kind.
Looks are very deceiving and we aren’t supposed to judge the covers of books. But this doesn’t mean we do what’s practical on a regular basis either. I see it everyday working in the gym, people buying personal training sessions with the trainer who’s displaying the best body and with the trainer who exudes the most confidence and strength of mind. And everyone’s guilty of it, sadly including me. I know better but I’m not immune to being stupid or tragically impractical or human.
I put people with muscles on a high pedestal. I know one reason is because it’s a reflection upon me. So I work day in and day out for muscle gains and within the process many ask why I lift? There have been times where I’ve even changed doctors because they were too busy trying to convince me that cardio wouldn’t continue to injure or inflame my tendons like lifting does. When in reality I lift because it’s a state of mind. I lift because it empowers me. It builds me. It’s therapy. It’s love. It’s home sweet home. It’s bliss. It’s being in the present moment. Lifting involves many different aspects to and for me. But the main significance of lifting means it’s here to perpetually keep me strong mentally and emotionally.
Now when I see other people with hard-earned muscles or working towards blood, sweat, diet and tears to get those sculpted high-end muscles, I think to myself, “Man they must be really strong mentally and emotionally.” But many times to my vast disappointment many human beings aren’t either. Or maybe they’re strong mentally but not emotionally or vice versa. Yet the truth is everyone has their own personal reasons as to why they lift and are doing anything in their power to increase muscle.
It’s almost as if I want to believe these people are carved from the same mind as me just because lifting is our familiar source. I make the fatal mistake (and in the process deceive myself) that they’re able to separate feelings from practical thoughts, able to comprehend emotional intelligence and know how to apply it to everyday life and the list unfortunately can go on and on. See, I strongly want to believe we have this and more in common.
But I’m disillusioned because appearances are misleading, because I live in a superficial culture, because I’m part of that superficial culture, because I’m part narcissistic, because I’m tricking myself, because it’s a reflection upon me and I’m speaking and looking from my perspective because for a thousand and one reasons I have a small brain every so often like tonight.
I never had been the type to question myself as much as I do now, now that I’m older and fitting better appropriately to myself each year like a leather glove. It’s like I want to trip over some imaginary line made out of confusion. I’m unsure why? Except that this might have to do with the fact that I’m human? Still for the life of me I became faithful to writing on paper four simple words (and then some at the age of twelve) “life is too concise” to idly wait and not commit to a straight decision.
I miss the days of being cutthroat, of actually not giving a fuck here and there and in whatever which way.
I’ve always had a fascination with the shapes of triangles that come in the forms of love & romance. So much so I seek out television shows and novels that have these captivating triangles to suck me in along with my entire will. So much so that once again I find myself in the middle of two great men. One is Golden Prince also known as my Partner in Crime who I’ve been in a relationship with for a decade. Five of those years have been exclusive and completely for him. The next five years I’ve been dating openly on and off.
The other is Dark Knight also known as the biggest crush I’ve had in the time I’ve existed on this planet. One year later I finally got him in an odd (but not really) way of how the circle of season came around fully to form and solidify a ring, to deepen the bond that took place long ago. We’re currently riding the wave of new. However he comes with his own triangle and he’s in the middle of me and his live-in girlfriend of nearly a decade.
Generally speaking I always want my cake and to be able to eat it too. (Nevertheless I play fair.) Golden Prince has allowed me to do both and for this I’m forever grateful. He’s the first man I’ve ever truly love and I fell in love with him at first sight 10 years ago. He has my heart and over the decade I’ve been loyal to him in every single way possible (for you monogamous people, well, every way except in this manner at certain times).
Golden Prince can no longer deal with the fact that I’m dating other people and rightfully so being he wants a closed relationship. I wouldn’t ask him to stay and I don’t expect him to. I did tell him he could date other people (he refuses). But more importantly I don’t lie to him and I keep him up to date about everything even when it pains him and in return affects me even when it comes to subtle or not-so-subtle forms of punishment. The truth is we are at the point where things are unhealthy for the both of us mentally, emotionally and spiritually. He has lashed out and has poisoned whatever newly found happiness I’ve enjoyed.
It’s already been stated many times how I’m not ready to be monogamous yet (if ever) again. Now I’m on this journey with Dark Knight and I take all types of pleasure in it very much (although subject to change because we’re still beginning). But I haven’t given thought to even being monogamous to Knight. Although we are officially dating. Aside from this this is far from the whole story but these questions remain and are what follow: How do I give up my love of 10 years? Am I making the worst decision of my life? Continuing to have my cake while the man I devoted a part of my lifetime to slips away in the background?
I’m unable to think clearly because I’ve been restricting my thoughts and time and feelings because I don’t want to prolong the hurt of Golden Prince. (Yes, he reads my Blogs and Twitter.) As of right now I can’t tell if I’m actually falling for Dark Knight although I sense a fullness of positivity, bliss, love and satisfaction for my life nowadays. I’m questioning if it’s even possible to emotionally and mentally love two people at once? I believe you can physically/sexually love a variety of people. But to be in love with two people at once, is this possible (aside from bearing children)?
In actuality if Golden Prince would stay and allow himself to continue being with me in a nonexclusive relationship I would continue to be devoted and loyal as I’ve always been. I’d be monogamous in an unconventional way, but monogamous nonetheless because this is what I’ve been doing for the past 5 years now. (I only date when someone peaks my interest.) To make it clear I am not choosing Dark Knight over Golden Prince and I’ve even expressed this to Knight since he also knows my situation. And although I never want to walk away, it seems Golden Prince is taking the leap and being the bigger person to sacrifice our love so my current happiness can be worthwhile.
I mean, how could I not love him? How could anyone walk away from someone so rare and special? Regardless of the innumerable resentments, immaturity, lack of life perspective/experience and differences we have and share collectively and individually?
On the flip side: I feel like maybe this is life’s way of saying that perhaps this decade should move on and if we really are meant to be the universe itself will know exactly what to do to bring us back together again because everything comes full circle. I believe one of the truths also is none of us knows how to let the other go.