Life usually knows what a person needs. I find myself forgetting sometimes that life is my greatest teacher. And even though I really do want to believe in coincidences, I don’t.
Just a week prior to my first session with my pelvic physical therapist, my aunt gave me a gift for a 90-minute massage to the spa therapist. So, even though my aunt was coming with me to the spa, I couldn’t help my anxiety levels because this was my first time and the idea of a stranger touching my body intimately was a bit nerve-wracking.
All these normal tiny question-based fears crept up like a cold draft in a haunted apartment like: Will my naked body look okay? What about that little bit of cellulite in my inner thighs? Will they notice and are they going to feel it when they massage me? Am I going to perspire like a madwoman because of my revved up anxiety levels and stink the whole place up like a skunk?
Ah, so with all the dread, it finally came time to strip down to my bra and panties at the locker room which brought back memories of never wanting to get undress in gym class at junior high and how other girls would make fun of me because I prefer privacy over publicity. But I managed to get into the lovely plush robe despite the fact that some eyes were peering my way. I confidently shook it off and strolled nervously into the massage room.
It was beautiful! Dim lighting, meditative music, candle atmosphere. Then it was time to undo my bra. My panty I could leave on! And I managed to get through it. But because I went through this experience, I was able to not completely freak or walk out the door when I had to strip my pants and panty at the physical therapist place.
The first real session (not the initial evaluation) with my pelvic physical therapist was surprising but expected since I’ve done my research. Still, I was freaking out internally. The dim lights, classical music, and earthly décor put me at ease to an extent, but the rest of the time I’m sporting a deadpan expression with brewing spades and acid in the pit of my stomach.
For me, there’s nothing comfortable being half naked and having this talkative nice lady massage and stretch my stomach, pelvis, inner thighs, sit bones, hips, glutes and lower back. Nothing. As if nothing could top that, she brought out the vagina dilators, gloves and lube. And I reassured myself, “This doesn’t make you gay. This is medical procedure. This appears sexual but isn’t sexual at all. Relax.”
This was when I had to channel my anxiety and awkward levels to asking her a million questions about her life and her career and everything else in between, so I wouldn’t die too much in the present moment of vagina dilators. All I could think is, if I can handle a 90-minute plus massage with wraps, hot oil and hot stones, I can handle someone sticking dilators inside me, regardless if they’re the same gender.