Tag Archives: Friendship

Thai Terminal


friends

Written previously, recently revised.

We welcomed each other first with high spirited voices talking into our cell phones and waving from across the street like lost little kindergarten classmates.  Then we greeted like sisters with tight long bear-hugs in the same way we always have because there are a few things in life that never change.  I could hear her wailing happiness beating from her gut than her chest and out into the public and onto my ear.  I smile in her hair with immediate joy but reserved the sound of my joyfulness.

Xyza is an undercover mentor, a maternal-like figure, full of flashes of hippie love, extraordinary kindness and massive angelic light that illuminates from her aura.  I’m also an undercover mentor, half in age, full of loyal compassion, extraordinary hospitality and thoughtfulness that leave the innocent light on in the darkness of which I grow.

In the center of this embrace I reflect over our countless meet-ups and how it never fails, my constant awkwardness in the hub of sharing love and how despite iself, I’m genuinely able to digest her white magic, even if it leaves me depleted afterward.  Xyza looks tenderly beautiful with her strawberry blonde shoulder-length bob.  I compliment her on the new length when she declared, “I had a vision of myself twenty years from now, me with long gray hair and a flower in it off to the side.”

I love the visions she shares with me.

We settle in a Thai restaurant not far from her parked car.  Upon sitting, the server asks, “Are you tourists?”  “No”, we replied.  Xyza turns my way inching up her nose until it crinkles with a question, “How come everyone thinks I’m a tourist?  I was born in New York, but live just outside the city.  I guess.. because I travel a great deal.”  I nod in agreement and chimed, “Your aura never has that grounded feel from being in one place too long.”

But, with me it’s totally different; I’m a New Yorker who’s considerably considerate whereas I allow people to hit me with their bags as I stand overt with an introverted atmosphere on the train or bus.  Unlike Xyza, my roots are established in New York and it’s on display when I talk about my suspicions concerning the worldview.  I may come across as myopic, but I consider myself to be purely grounded.

Thirty minutes of conversation and I’ve been following Xyza’s lead because she’s paying so I never lay a finger on the menu.  The server comes over to nudge us politely – then Thai Chive Pancakes, Vegetable Spring Rolls and a glorious Mango Salad along with unsweetened ice tea lands sweetly before our eyes.  I continued following Xyza’s lead and didn’t touch a single carrot slinky.  I sat glued in passivity to the tales of my friend.

*

I listen to her speak about her ex-husband and how she’s pretty sure a demon owns him.  I listen when she said she knows of two men who have transcended beyond the physical and how they both married wonderful women, but not perfect women.  (It made me wonder, what constitutes a perfect woman according to a sixty-year old woman.)  I listen on in when she said she doesn’t want to play the romantic game from a male’s physical perspective, nor does she have any desire to play the woman’s perspective which is to trap a man in a relationship.  Of course, I agree.  I believe life is too short to live conventionally.

When Xyza decides to come up for air, I volunteer my own discourse.

I speak about isolation from the world and if canceling my gym membership is the wrong thing to do because at least this is a place where I can maintain some social skills.  I speak about having elevated to a place where physical sex is no longer an obligation of mine, nor is it ever a want.   I speak about the tiny things that make me happy like being by the water, the vision of living in a beach house single with two pets:  A husky dog and a petite cat.  I speak about not understanding the point of being in a relationship with men when being the opposite gender I’ve yet to connect and remain on the same wavelength.  I always feel superior.

*

We understood each other the way women and friends frequently do and we continued to eat, sip, laugh and talk the summery night away.

-Pennington

Advertisements

Middle Design


adam_and_eve_by_Tokashi_Kimiko

We’d hangout every Saturday and Sunday evening making love to the steel plates, machines and barbells in the weight room. We’d give it all we got with our energy breaths, backbone and fervor and didn’t let up until hours later when it was autumn, cold, dark and the night fell full of empty heart.

We’d paused and lingered on one another between sets and smile like we owned the sun and I’d look up to your grace like an anchoring giant sitting in the middle of my heart’s desire and listened to your persistent sermons. Off onto the bus heading home crosstown I’d praised existence and its happiness all the sudden and turn my face away from the other passengers whenever I’d feel sullen about us.

I’d watch you watch me and you watched me watch you just like a crowd yet we were always at an extended distance with actions that were never to be spoken out and about. I’d wait around for you and asked if this is what you’d also wanted after I finished my exhaustive workout. You’d invite me into the locker room and performed a routine: mixing supplements, shaking your protein and layering up in clothing to either hide your muscles or create the illusion of bigger ones?

You have a knack for bringing up deep thoughts and heavy conversations when you flowed out of yourself like when you mentioned your father being murdered and how you only have one memory of him. I thought to myself, only you would know how to make the time in between grim and pick it up at a whim with a crafty grin.

But I’d remain silent, analyzing, hands folded, wondering why you’d come out the blue with these aching stories. Were you trying to test my comfort abilities? Or was this an unusual way of letting me know I’d be in the friend zone? If so, answer me please, so I can duly note it.

Remember when you asked me if I’m a patient person.
I do, and I’m sure you had a motive.

-Pennington

Have Some Respect For The Craft Will Ya?



“Is anyone afraid or disheartened?
He should go back to his house,
or he might cause the heart of
his comrades to melt like his own.”
–Unknown

I have a friend who sometimes acts more like an associate depending on the many Subjects of Life.  (Who doesn’t?)  I want to know if anyone of you guys have a friend like this in your life:   The kind, who, in their own way means well on those aspects of life which you two AGREE upon.  But on the same token, their persona gets in the way of what it is you actually live everyday for.  In my case:  Training. 😉

Every once in a while he’ll invite himself (lately) or I invite him (usually says “no” because he’s lazy when it comes to physical labor of any kind.  Probably why he has a desk job?) to the Gym.  Things always start out well.  But he criticizes exercises, programs (like my current one) and even the amount of effort that must be put in to Lifts, at times.  And I can relate to this last thing whereas I’ve done it periodically myself:  He’ll like an exercise up until the point where I have to come over, whisper in his ear so he doesn’t feel embarrassed around others on how his form is off or shy of being completed.

But by far the thing I hate the most (probably because most men I’ve trained with or trained tend to be this way) is when he has to throw his ego into the lifting session by making absolutely sure he’s piling extra weight on the barbell or dumbbells, (even if it’s just 5-10lbs) for the sole purpose of beating me with numbers.

Rather than making this shit about me, I rather it be about the respect for fitness altogether whether it’s the process of a lift or the exercise itself.  Rather than get the basics of the deadlift form or heed my advice on how not to go about hurting himself, all he sees is the amount I’m doing (which isn’t heavy in my book at all: 145lbs) and how he has to go over it!  This has been this way for a fucking decade.

I told myself as long as he doesn’t increase the weight I’ll do him a favor (which isn’t a favor at all, just being spiteful) and let him believe he somewhat can handle the form of Deadlifting.  Second set came and he performed the same numbers.  Third set comes around and he has to stack 20lbs over.  During this time he was being overly confident and decides to ask, “How much you think my Max is?”

I didn’t give him full encouragement of any kind.  I kept it at the 200lb range for someone who prefers mall-walking to going to the gym to grind life and aggression the fuck out.  What he does?  Stacks 2 45lb plates to 3 plates.  With those 6 plates altogether there was no lift off and he could have really injured himself.  I can say I wouldn’t want anything to happen to him on my watch.  But, who am I fooling?  He fucking deserves it with his foolishness.

Ultimately my thing is I would like it very much if he and if anyone one of you know someone who has an aspect of their life they’re completely in love and infatuated with to just respect them and what it is they consider to be a craft from their heart and passion.  Don’t ruin it for them because that’s not what being a friend is about.  Plus it speaks of a character who displays contempt for what the other person does.

It’s hard to find someone who puts forth every bit of their being into something they truly enjoy.  But it’s even harder for the outside person who owns no passion but absolute bitterness to the world outside them and within to watch someone put their passion into their craft.  Of course it’s an envy thing.  How many people do you hear of loving exactly what it is they do in Life?  Not many.

Training is to abide what is true to you/me above all (and many times over anyone).  For a person to disregard a certain type of lifestyle in any form of way becomes an elite asshole for as long as I shall live and beyond.

Simple as that.

-Pennington

When You Value Yourself, Nothing Else Matters.



Judgement. 

Don’t you just LOVE this word?  Doesn’t this word conjure feelings of anger? How about happiness?  Or maybe a feeling like building, manipulating or fumbling a case?  Or what about tucking our tails between our chronic trembling legs running down a manhole hiding everything in range of vision while clutching onto our rosary of justification?  I don’t know about you, but when I take off the “m,e, n, t,” I find the word “Judge” to be painfully ugly.

Still, does it stop me from judging?  Or what I call prescreening or filling in what I believe is a profile based on age, skin color, style, gender or education?  Does judging a person make one smarter or stupider?  Does it keep us safe?  Or immobile with our guard?   Or do we find wisdom in it?  Are judgements the same as opinions?  Could the case of the person being judge be faulted by facts?  How much are we allowed to pin on a person when in the end it can all be a matter of perspective?

I’ve been burned once.

And I don’t mean like the one time at band camp during the age of 15 where I came silently into contact with gonorrhea.  I mean, burned as in Cast Away from friends, groups, associates and even work because I believe in stating however careful or blatant the policy I live by:  Honesty.  (For a story greater in detail which is along the topic of this one.  Read here.)  Now for the life of me (and I hate when I say this ->), but I understand and I don’t understand why the next person can’t accept my principles since I enjoy maintaining my codes:  Morals, Loyalty, Friendship and Respect to name a few?

Honesty has allowed me to be confident and clear with who I am in my skin and within my conscious.  Not to be mistaken with who I want or wish to be, presently or approaching.  Cheerlessly, my reliance level isn’t well received by others as they grow hate for my unintentional means of arriving which makes them feel uncomfortable or threaten with their already firing insecurities.  What do you know?  One of the infamous questions I get is:  “How do you do it?”   And it’s simple really.  If you’re honest with yourself and others, your integrity becomes invincible.  All doubts diminish as they’ll light richly with truth because your words and actions are aligned within the universe frequency.

Anything outside of honesty, living by a set of morals and practicing everyday challenges of being self-aware I want nothing to do with.  I have a friend who says, “Penn you have to learn how to accept people.”  But how can I learn to accept people when they don’t agree and welcome themselves first?  So, how will they in turn welcome me?  If the person lies to themselves than this will mean they’ll undoubtedly lie to me.  And why would I want to be involved with such brainlessness?

I never found it scary, nor will I excuse myself from saying the truth.  Promises are flimsy, waiting to be annihilated like the common people.  But, my words alone are my bond.  I want them crimeless, reeking of finesse and raging guts just how I treat my Training.  Rather than being the Average Joe and feeling I’m better off speaking higher than what I can display my character.  I wonder, if these people sincerely believe they can get away with this disgraceful behavior while keeping someone as special as me in their life at the same time?

When you value yourself, nothing else matters.

-Pennington

MR. AUTOMOTIVE: QUITE BOTHERSOME!


Every Thursday for the past month, I’ve been Training my 400lb friend @ a gym where we’re both members.  Obviously this makes everything easier and we rock out for as long as possible because we share the same love, passion, mindset, discipline and determination.  Also it helps that the gym is 24 hours.  We start at midnight when the gym dies down and stay for a few hours to forget about the world, forget about time, routines and whatever else.

Now, maybe one of you is wondering: How can a 400lb person share that type of passion and mindset for Fitness?  Long ago his Muay Thai Master instilled all these elements that takes decades for some people to achieve if at all.  But over the years he decided to give up entirely after his Master died and the perils of life swam over his head.  However this isn’t so much about his life or anything as much as what bothers me about him.  And maybe one of you lovely folks could actually give me one of your theories as to what his deal might be?

During our Training sessions I show him things as we go along.  He knows some basic exercises, but when it comes to mastering bodyweight exercises with good form/alignment or how to set up the resistance machines according to his body is type crucial.  I’ll pick out the body parts (just because he doesn’t want to) and we’ll rock out anywhere from 2-3 hours.  Usually devoted to our favorites like Dumbbells, Barbells and Resistance Machines.  And the last 20 minutes would be walking a mile at a pace he’s good with on the treadmill.

Now during our training sessions, it sort of seems like he goes through a mixture of feelings.  (Of course I’m assuming here based on my interpretations of his behaviors.)  One thing he does (which this past week he did not do because I tired his ass out and his weakness so happens to be his what?  Legs!) is try to burn me out.  He verbally presses the issue for me to lift heavy every set (which I do only on certain parts that wouldn’t hurt my rotator cuff).

Except one night he went off on a babble and said, “You have to do this because if I’m enduring this torture you have to too.”  I said, “I agree.   But you have to understand  1.  I have endured and continue to endure years of Training under my belt.  2.  I have to know my boundaries so my joints and other trigger points don’t get out of hand.  3.  You have to endure this Training!  You’re somewhere different from me.”  So like what’s his deal here?

The second thing he loves to do while I’m in my set and if I’m failing or failed or am completely exhausting the set and tend to do a staggered or pause/rep and I stop for 5 seconds say I did the number 10 or 12.  But my goal number was to hit 15.  He instantly shouts out I only did 5 repetitions as oppose to 10 or 12.  And no he’s not stupid!  Far from it.  But I presume he thinks this is cute?  I said, “No this was the amount of reps I counted.  How you figure?”  And then he goes to argue with me like some delusional fuckhead!

So far once during a set after I clearly hit muscular failure at 10, he says, “Give me 2 more reps for not hitting the number goal.”  I instantly wonder not only: What’s his deal?  (But does he want to take over and Train me or us together? Does he even understand what muscular failure is?)  He has to lose a tremendous amount of weight.  He came to me to train him.  I’m doing all this for free.  So could it be he’s too busy looking at me more as a friend than his trainer in the moment of our training session?  (I’ve had this little dilemma before, typically with women.)  Or does he want to feel like a man in the midst of our training? Especially when I outdo him (not meaning to) with exercises or weight?

He has a problem with lifting lighter weights and repping out.  He doesn’t listen to my instructions when he goes to the gym solo throughout the week.  He has a problem not wanting to buy 3 Gatorades when I tell him to stop that sugary shit.  Then the part I don’t really get (and it could be because he’s Latin meaning his mother/wife performs duties for him that he should be doing for himself) that once after we finished up our 4 sets of Seated One-Arm rows he’s huffing and puffing and tells me:  “Can you go downstairs and get me a Gatorade?”

Mind you all this as his 400lb ass is still sitting and grasping for air.  I’m confused as to  1.  Why he’s so fucking lazy to go downstairs and not get a Gatorade even though he’s slow like a slug and still can burn calories anyway?  And  2.  Is he a woman?  Why is he asking me to go get him something like I’m the man?  I don’t believe in this whole “oh I’m such an independent woman that I would want my man to start being the bitch for the littlest thing!”

One week he asked me for 50 cents for a Gatorade.  And after the gym he would like it if I went one week to pay for both our foods and one week he pays.  All this brought me back to was all the memories of when we were in school together for Automotive Body and Repair.  I can’t believe I forgot all those tiny memories. But they slowly came up to the surface like how he would want me to buy him food all the time and he was half the size then 250lbs?  (He recently lost a 100lbs, so he was 500.)  Even back when I analyze his eating habits in 4 bites his pizza would vanish.  His meat patty with cheese still sizzling about to disappear into his vicious depression and hate for the choices he’s made in his life and how he doesn’t forgive himself.

This also reminds me how nice I am to people who I believe are my friends.  But at the same time how much of a leech he is, how easy it is for him (and the world) to take full advantage.  And these are some of the things that are nagging me about him. So if this keeps going I’m going to have to shut him down completely. Right?

Pennington

Where’s The Loyalty?


What’s the first thing you think about when you hear the word: Loyalty? Do you naturally come up with the pet you own in your house? You know like a dog or a cat?  Do you think “Man this world has gone to shit, where even the companies I work for aren’t Loyal anymore?” Well, I’m going to touch on one topic only. Women, quite obvious to me, have an issue with being loyal to….

I’ve always been confused by the unfaithful culture, the joy turn backstabbing, the friendly or bitchy betrayal we’ve grown so accustomed to since childhood or with our own mothers, to why men love to be in the middle dedicating their own fabricated stories to both ends of the spectrum  in between two women friends who are about to have a friendship more broken than a mom who finds her rumored gay son to have hung himself.

Where is the loyalty between women?  Why does it seem so hard to get along with women?  Where did this start?  Why does it happen still til this day?  Do women not care about other women?  Why can men have best friends and not have to worry about ever ridding his best friend, even after his best friend sleeps with his woman?

I find something very wrong with this picture.
Despite my ways of being a different breed of woman.

Have you notice ladies, how you can grow up with your cousins/best friends and somewhere along the line, say by the time you’re 16 years old, something happens?  You guys have a falling out, but it was as soundless as giving your spouse the silent treatment. Never in your brain would you have imagined that the friend you did everything with (from abortions, to drunk wallowing parties, to clubbing, using men, lying to your parents, covering each others backs, to learning tricks from one another from making your pants tighter to squeezing into size 3 pants knowing you both were a size 5) wouldn’t be around anymore.

Have you notice how women are willing to give up their best friends over some guy? Wait let me repeat that again: HAVE  YOU EVER NOTICE HOW WOMEN ARE WILLING TO GIVE UP THEIR BEST FRIEND FOR A GUY? WHY? How and when did it become important for a woman to keep a man much closer than a friend? Again, where’s the loyalty among women? And why haven’t we, after so many generations, have done nothing to change this fact? Why is it hard to bond and bring a whole diversity of Sisterhood together. Why do all the men get to have all the fun with their guy friends? Does this last fact not bother enough women in the world to want to change?

I never understood why women find their men to be so important. I know women, FULL GROWN WOMEN who find having/being with a man to be a matter of Life and Death. To the point where they’ll more than easily and have more than easily given up their own kids, all for the chase. Last year I met 2 women, who I wanted so deeply to help and be great friends with. But as long as their men were around, they couldn’t get out of that negativity. One was getting abuse physically by her bodybuilding boyfriend. She thought he was vital to her life. And the other woman, well, let’s just say that CPS had to get involved of her boyfriend abusing her daughter. To make matters worse, he wasn’t the father. Why don’t these women see with clearer eyes as to how horrific all this truly is?

The majority of men will leave when they feel they’ve had enough of the qualities or vagina of a woman. Men will backstab a woman quicker than what the woman’s best friend is willing to do. But women are more than readily to overlook the many times her boyfriend/husband has stabbed a dagger through her back. This has always baffled me. And then I question, “Why?” Could it be security reasons? Could it be for companion reasons? Sex? There is nothing one man could possibly have that another man can’t have in the future. And definitely the majority of men aren’t worth giving a friend up for.

I also never understood those silly girls/women who have the nerves to leave their best friends/friends just because they have kissed or slept with their guy. Sex is a physical thing and some women need to understand that there’s nothing emotional about it, even if their men whines and says, “Yes sex is wonderfully and incredibly emotional when I have it with you.” It’s bullshit! Wait til he cheats on your ass because you aren’t doing something he wants you to do. Then, what happens? No best friend to cry to, eh? I’ve had friends in the past who has slept, kissed and whatever have you with my boyfriends. And I don’t give a fuck. Why should I? It was his and her choice. But I remained friends with her the next day because life is too short to not have any type of True Loyalty. And that’s what I look for in people.

Does my friend fucking my guy have anything to do with loyalty? No. And if you need proof, just ask yourself: Why can men be friends with their best man after he fucked the woman of his life? If they can do it! Women can do it too. Understand men place emphasis on different things as women do. And sex, once again, isn’t emotional, ladies. Ever heard the saying: “Women give sex to receive love and men give love to receive sex.” Who’s the idiot in this equation?

All this thinking came to light right after I notice that not one single one of my female friends from the past has come to search me through Facebook (as I have them). And I find it strange, (except it’s not really odd at all), how the only ones who searched for me were men. But men aren’t looking for loyalty, unless it has to do with their penis. Men only searched me because they want to have sex with me, because they figure if they didn’t have a chance with me back then, that they could try me out now. Maybe they think I’ve lowered my standards? 😉

And this led me to all this ramble: How is it hat women aren’t even loyal to get back and in touch  with the people who started out loyal to them in the first place?  In a way, this saddens me.

Pennington