Tag Archives: Integrity

Nymphomaniac


nymphomaniac_ver17_xlg

It’s wonderful, in my opinion, to see how much of myself I could relate to in the character of the film Nymphomaniac throughout both volumes, from growing up and taking charge of every decision, single-handedly based on her terms, her rebellious nature, her moments of aloofness, her philosophy of lust and her avoidance of love, her emotions being thrown like a whirlwind into the act of sex, her destructions of interpersonal relationships, her views on society and how humanity can be summed up in one word:  Hypocrisy.

So much of me, belong to this character and it astonishes me that a director has taken the time to put together the story of this woman who I look at as a heroine.  I never once pitied or judged her although she managed to critique herself harshly and understandably so.  But what I do take away from the film itself is, in society, I think people are given two choices.  The first is you could play the game based on the terms and conditions of society as long as you’re faking happy to keep the image of conformity intact.  Or the second:  You can be an outcast.

I think her struggles are very real and of course society doesn’t let up on the notions of how she should behave, for instance when one of her bosses demanded she get help for her sexual addiction.  Its constant questioning, steady debating on what’s right, what’s wrong and according to whom?  The beauty is in how she stands up for herself in her ball of strong integrity despite the gnawing loneliness she possesses or those in the path looking to disgrace her light whether done subtle or forwardly.

She fights for herself because to put it simply it’s about survival.

-Pennington

Advertisements

The Months accumulating in Effect


paintings hayao miyazaki princess mononoke lips brown eyes fantasy art short hair cloak earrings dra_www.wall321.com_10 (1)

I’m putting myself out there more and by more I mean OBVIOUSLY more than usual and MORE personal than some emotional guy’s tongue buried deep inside my precious twat.

I could have started this entry back in November or the last week of December. But really everything seemed to trickle down for me in the beginning of the New Year where I got fired from my job because I had the courage to stand up for what I believe in and for never wavering my principles while keeping my integrity intact.

During this time for a moment I felt down in the dumps like I lost a childhood pet because there was a part of me that felt like perhaps I’ve fallen from grace. With this dark cloud over my head I began to feel ill every time I ate or didn’t for that matter. I found, mentally, I was no longer visualizing, planning, going to sleep, daydreaming or even thinking about my training sessions at the gym.

I became tired at the oddest of times and took naps every chance I got and shortly after I started to sleep up to 11-14 hours a day. Every morning cramps came (and still do) very suddenly like a knock on the door and it found its way into my aura with panic and spanking novelty. Then the headaches, they commenced at any which way and waved over me as if I were its safe harbor. I’ve never felt like this before. What is wrong with me? Could this clearly be depression? A deeply manic episode of sort?

I now look at water with disgust because in my mouth it swiftly tasted like metal. But I’ve been drinking nothing but water for years and over night my body is asking me for a Coke (or two) or Chocolate Milk. All I want is cheese and meat and maybe some potatoes. But my appetite changed on me and I couldn’t handle large portions anymore. Plus I’m horny all the time and haven’t the faintest idea how to turn it off.  I’ve been going full speed and giving the middle fingers to cruise control. Is this an identity crisis? Another transitional change of becoming thirty-two someone has forgot to tell me about?

I grew suspicious of myself. Once again my body betrayed me unexpectedly. What a cunning cunt! I’m being taken hostage; my body doesn’t feel like mine anymore. And I haven’t had a suicidal thought in a decade until tonight.

But I scheduled an appointment with a doctor.

To be continued.

-Pennington

When You Value Yourself, Nothing Else Matters.



Judgement. 

Don’t you just LOVE this word?  Doesn’t this word conjure feelings of anger? How about happiness?  Or maybe a feeling like building, manipulating or fumbling a case?  Or what about tucking our tails between our chronic trembling legs running down a manhole hiding everything in range of vision while clutching onto our rosary of justification?  I don’t know about you, but when I take off the “m,e, n, t,” I find the word “Judge” to be painfully ugly.

Still, does it stop me from judging?  Or what I call prescreening or filling in what I believe is a profile based on age, skin color, style, gender or education?  Does judging a person make one smarter or stupider?  Does it keep us safe?  Or immobile with our guard?   Or do we find wisdom in it?  Are judgements the same as opinions?  Could the case of the person being judge be faulted by facts?  How much are we allowed to pin on a person when in the end it can all be a matter of perspective?

I’ve been burned once.

And I don’t mean like the one time at band camp during the age of 15 where I came silently into contact with gonorrhea.  I mean, burned as in Cast Away from friends, groups, associates and even work because I believe in stating however careful or blatant the policy I live by:  Honesty.  (For a story greater in detail which is along the topic of this one.  Read here.)  Now for the life of me (and I hate when I say this ->), but I understand and I don’t understand why the next person can’t accept my principles since I enjoy maintaining my codes:  Morals, Loyalty, Friendship and Respect to name a few?

Honesty has allowed me to be confident and clear with who I am in my skin and within my conscious.  Not to be mistaken with who I want or wish to be, presently or approaching.  Cheerlessly, my reliance level isn’t well received by others as they grow hate for my unintentional means of arriving which makes them feel uncomfortable or threaten with their already firing insecurities.  What do you know?  One of the infamous questions I get is:  “How do you do it?”   And it’s simple really.  If you’re honest with yourself and others, your integrity becomes invincible.  All doubts diminish as they’ll light richly with truth because your words and actions are aligned within the universe frequency.

Anything outside of honesty, living by a set of morals and practicing everyday challenges of being self-aware I want nothing to do with.  I have a friend who says, “Penn you have to learn how to accept people.”  But how can I learn to accept people when they don’t agree and welcome themselves first?  So, how will they in turn welcome me?  If the person lies to themselves than this will mean they’ll undoubtedly lie to me.  And why would I want to be involved with such brainlessness?

I never found it scary, nor will I excuse myself from saying the truth.  Promises are flimsy, waiting to be annihilated like the common people.  But, my words alone are my bond.  I want them crimeless, reeking of finesse and raging guts just how I treat my Training.  Rather than being the Average Joe and feeling I’m better off speaking higher than what I can display my character.  I wonder, if these people sincerely believe they can get away with this disgraceful behavior while keeping someone as special as me in their life at the same time?

When you value yourself, nothing else matters.

-Pennington