Tag Archives: internal

Unoccupied yet Occupied


work_in_progress

The internal struggle is real. So I believe, within my struggle. For months I’ve been battling and fighting and influencing and along the way I’ve made some mistakes all the while raising my head as lofty as the Statue of Liberty. Only to get fired by the place in which I worked for over 5 years. It’s finalized and it’s severed and within it’s severance I’ve learned many different things to the parts of a story.

Like for one, being in denial of how one really feels about any given situation. How does one center themselves in the midst of what they truly don’t want to consider because they suppose that actually feeling within the moment will turn to perpetual weakness? Or how much of what we do in the present and future stems from our past childhoods? For example: I cringe at unfairness and this is derived from being treated unfairly as a child.

Moving on if you follow the series of my thoughts: Perhaps it’s better and clever to give an oath to being silent and perform character assassination rather than stand up with pride on your side and give your two cents on how to resolve operations or how to fix the unfairness in the face of favoritism and being human?

It seems that silence is golden and silence is taken more seriously and silence is safe and silence means that one day when you finally decide to speak up that somebody may listen to you attentively with one head tilted to the right the way they used to when they stopped listening because you’ve opened your mouth too much but only because it was encouraged. But perhaps they encouraged for manipulative reasons?

Or maybe it’s ridiculous to believe that an idealist can be practical in the world of business and where realism is concern, that there isn’t a place for such majestic and honest principles?

Perhaps it’s better to turn the other way and remain silent and follow the herd because being a leader means standing alone and standing alone means everyone is against you at a certain point in time because they lack the courage you have because they don’t have a big bite or enough fight because they wouldn’t put their job on the line like you would.

All this is why I’ve been fired.

-Pennington

A Dark Nyte Episode



How does the night begin without a day?  How am I triggered by a sudden charge of energy hysteria that lashes outwards to emotional outbursts?  How do I allow myself to relax and let go of the tension headache that disguises itself from holding back the cries?

So there was a story earlier of someone who worked with someone who knew this person.  But it didn’t start there and nor does it end here.  There was a mother who bore two sons.  One came out normal and the other had (what doctors or society identifies as) mental problems.  The kid with the mental issues would have trigger attacks and he would break things inside the house claiming he saw evil spirits.  Eventually the mother decided to put him in a mental institution when he was 17.  He stood there until he was 21.

The doctors told his mother that he’s been progressing and he’s now stabilized.  She spoke to her ordinary son about taking him out the institution.  He didn’t welcome the idea and said they should wait a while longer.  Her mental son came out and it was only a week and things seemed to be better.  Than something triggered him and he saw his mother as an evil spirit and bludgeon her to death with a stick.  The other son came home to find his mother dead and his brother watching television as if nothing happen because he went back to his normal.

And than I rambled on to someone tonight and it went like this without edit, without grammar, without thought, just here in its full written evidence:

And stories like that make me wonder, stories that repeat itself, nothing is new under the sun, everything repeating, everything seems like an eternity..

And its all decisions, and all choices and what for?
Is there more?

Even if we make all the right choices, during the time they may have seemed right, but later with consequence you find out they weren’t.

And this bothers me.  So much bothers me.
Living bothers me.  Thinking bothers me.

It’s what I think about that bothers me, not so much the external.  But the internal, like these thoughts.

And that dream I had a week or two ago, about life repeating and it’s all about eternity. And how much I panicked and hated it even when I woke up.

-Pennington