Tag Archives: Patience

hiding


art-crespella
I’ve been trying to get out.
I’ve been trying to unearth the right time.
I’ve been talking to dead fish by the river.
I’ve been talking to the celestial body, reigning orb of night.
I’ve been trading places with shadows.
I’ve been in hiding.

I’ve been throwing things out.
I’ve been investigating my patience.
I’ve been talking to ducks by the Brooklyn bridge.
I’ve been talking to the brightest star, singeing god of land.
I’ve been trading in shades of light.
I’ve been in hiding.

-Pennington

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Tales from the Ankle


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The upside: My bone is healed and it healed properly. Thank the Lord! No hard cast. Now I’m in an Air Cast. The downside: There’s a lot of work to do in the wonderful world of physical therapy, and evidently, it’s rather fucking depressing. It feels like I’m starting from somewhere near the bottom. And surely, it could be worse.

So, yes, I’m thankful for my fibula fracture injury no matter how it comes across and makes me feel in the black pit of my heart. In time, I’ll get over the multiple depression humps of my life. But today is not that day. Until then, I’ll have to deal with everything as I have been – to the best of my ability.

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Let me introduce some to the subtalar joint. This is one thing I have to work on. It is responsible for the movement of the feet – in technical terms: Inversion and Eversion. Aside from this joint, I have to deal with all the other muscles that atrophied on the side of my right ankle such as the hips, glute, lower back, knee and quad.

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Now, despite the work load I have for my ankle and certain parts of my body, I’m lucky that I’m a big fan of working hard. This isn’t my issue. My issue is being depressed and wanting results overnight because of what I’ve been able to do in the past – fitness wise. Patience and pacing myself has never been a strong suit of mine. And I would think that at the humble age of 32, (33 tomorrow), I’d have figured out how to take things slow when needed, but no. I have much to learn.

I have this self-imposed pressure. It’s me against me and I’m not sure how I feel about this: All the power to mobilize myself. It sounds inspiring to some degree, but with the time stamp I’ve placed in my head: I feel like time is running out. Okay. Day 1 of the Air Cast: It was this Tuesday. The cast came off and I didn’t care if there was pain involve. I was more scared of what was underneath the cast. Lots of dry blood. Lots of dead skin. Lots of calve deflated and missing. Lots of agony and stages of foot pain.

And for the rest of the day the thought of unstrapping and strapping the boot itself made me nauseous at home. So I did zero movement in my ankle. Day 2: I made sure to start moving my foot with the assistance of my knee just to get a bit of movement. At least 70-80 total reps (for 5 reps at a time – afternoon and evening) I performed and then packed it in ice like a dead fish.

Day 3: Which is today – I met the physical therapist. And let’s just say, I’m glad he’s not ugly to look at. However, I got the impression that everything was all rushed. I did not like that he expected me to perform circles with an ankle I haven’t used for 2 months. He encouraged me by saying, “You’re moving your knee, not your ankle.”

Then he manually took my ankle and moved it in circles and in an up/down motion. Okay, so aside from his manual assistance (and my failings!), these were the exercises prescribed to me which I did there at the place: Lumbar Bridging (Hip Thrust), Hip Abduction Unilateral Side-lying and Supine Knee Bent. 3 x 10 reps.

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Reflection on these Exercises: I felt a super stretch during the hip bridges in my right quad that I gasped out loud. My hip/glutes were contracted (mind-muscle connection) with intense levels while performing the side lying. And as for the Supine Knee – well – I felt the discomfort in my knee, so keeping my right leg completely straight was a tad difficult. So all in all it’s working. 😉 But I’m sure anything would work if your muscles were immobile to begin with, no?

My plans for tonight is to have my friend help me by manually moving my ankle up/down and in circles for a few reps a set because my foot is so stiff I can’t do it on my own. As of now, my ankle is super achy and sore from the manual manipulation of earlier. Presently, this is going to be a slow and tedious, but very much needed journey. Stay tuned. 😉

-Pennington

Middle Design


adam_and_eve_by_Tokashi_Kimiko

We’d hangout every Saturday and Sunday evening making love to the steel plates, machines and barbells in the weight room. We’d give it all we got with our energy breaths, backbone and fervor and didn’t let up until hours later when it was autumn, cold, dark and the night fell full of empty heart.

We’d paused and lingered on one another between sets and smile like we owned the sun and I’d look up to your grace like an anchoring giant sitting in the middle of my heart’s desire and listened to your persistent sermons. Off onto the bus heading home crosstown I’d praised existence and its happiness all the sudden and turn my face away from the other passengers whenever I’d feel sullen about us.

I’d watch you watch me and you watched me watch you just like a crowd yet we were always at an extended distance with actions that were never to be spoken out and about. I’d wait around for you and asked if this is what you’d also wanted after I finished my exhaustive workout. You’d invite me into the locker room and performed a routine: mixing supplements, shaking your protein and layering up in clothing to either hide your muscles or create the illusion of bigger ones?

You have a knack for bringing up deep thoughts and heavy conversations when you flowed out of yourself like when you mentioned your father being murdered and how you only have one memory of him. I thought to myself, only you would know how to make the time in between grim and pick it up at a whim with a crafty grin.

But I’d remain silent, analyzing, hands folded, wondering why you’d come out the blue with these aching stories. Were you trying to test my comfort abilities? Or was this an unusual way of letting me know I’d be in the friend zone? If so, answer me please, so I can duly note it.

Remember when you asked me if I’m a patient person.
I do, and I’m sure you had a motive.

-Pennington

No Well-Wishers Here!


I can honestly say in my life I never had any legitimate friends.

Like one who actually looks out for you, grabs you by your stubborn horns and knocks compelling sense into your brain so you do not go repeating the same dead-end cycle through life.  One who dares to put you in better situations because they want more for you (than you probably do for yourself?) rather than keep you in the same decreasing spot (as they) in hopes you’ll always need them in some low self-esteem dependency sort of way.

Not the kind of friend who allows another cunt to grab you by your hair from behind as she watches your temple get smashed into a concrete wall before you could even figure out what’s truly going on.  Or the kind who never seems to let go of the past as to why they’ll never help you get into a higher-paying job again because you know how everyone never has a fitting period of unquestionable mistakes and arrogant immaturity.

There has been times where I lost myself in yearning for a best friend badly that I’ve betrayed my own preachings and discarded my human behavioral theories.  However, in return, I paid the heavy price of being burned by the process of another life lesson.  Oh how magically magnificent it is to be enlighten by what you always knew to be infallible by the advantage built into our DNA called:  Intuition!

There are moments where having patience is greater than throwing trust into words or silly superstitious stuff say horoscope written for the general population.  Or what I call “get-by actions” that are led by another whereas they provide the basics and participate in the bare minimum of what it takes to be in your life (whatever that may be for somebody like you).

Now I haven’t truly given up on perhaps the idea of possibly gaining a friendship where all becomes daffodils, butterflies and two-way streets and rights within the world.  But I feel old in my thinking and the modern way of believing makes it harder to maintain the dream of maybe.  No, not because I’m bitter.  But because I’ve been doing fine by myself for thirty years now.  Maybe fixing this would be the problem?  So hesitation is the one that grants my defense permission to act how it wishes.

There’s more to this story and perhaps not what you think. 😉

-Pennington