I find myself in and out of what I know as:  Binge-Eating.

I’m aware there’s a difference between wanting to eat a lot and enjoying what you’re eating.   Usually the second can be done at a fine restaurant where you have to show good face and not suck your fingers off and ask the person you’re quite familiar with:  “Are you going to eat that?”

I’ve always had a big appetite.   Always!  From when I could remember around the age of 7, I celebrated when I ate my first 2 Filet-O-Fish sandwiches.  *MOM LOOK!!!*   By the time 12 of age came I was practically swallowing Double Cheeseburgers and whatever else I could get my hands on.  For a long while I was a very picky eater like I wouldn’t eat white rice without ketchup, that sort of thing!  But I also fell into a trap of fasting at first, which turn into starvation.  I only drank fluids.  I never ate nothing solid.  Aiming for that perfect body, the 6-pack, which I achieved at a young age.  I’m losing track..

As I aged I’ve become greedy with food.  And by greedy I mean, there are times when I’ll order lots of food and make sure to eat it ALL of it.   An example was last month:  I had 2 Double-cheese Burgers, 1 Fish Sandwich Small Fries, some Chicken Nuggets and well, I still wasn’t full.  I would have easily ordered some more food, but I had gotten up for the second round already.  I didn’t want another funny ass look from the person behind the service desk taking my order.   Sometimes these ground rules help me.  Not really ground rules, but you get what I mean..right?…

I also do shit like this:   Buy a huge bag of my favorite chips (when I’m being naughty or having a cheat day) and make sure to eat the whole bag in one sitting.  And I refuse to share.  I always tell my friends or folks who are with me to get their own bag, even if it means I have to pay for it.

Binge-eating seems to have a play in my life this past month.  Could be winter?  Could be depression?  Or could be I’m making up for the months when I was an angel on my diet?   But I’ve allowed myself to eat what I want to try and  make peace with myself and the balance of eating.  I’ve hit this phase of eating pretty hard this month, in terms of stocking up and eating and eating.   Not necessarily eating every sugary or greasy crap out there.  Just filling my belly, as if, I were hibernating soon.  I believe, it’s due to me reacting to the 8 months of calorie-counting and dieting.  Not having certain foods, telling myself I love veggies and trying to believe I do like eating veggies and eating healthy.

But that’s a lie!

I’m not sure if I’m thinking entirely when I have these episodes of uncontrollable urges for overeating.   The times that I DO catch myself thinking I simply say, “I don’t give a fuck!”  Surely sometimes depression can trigger this or the day during/after a heavy weight lifting session.   But with working out, I can tell if I’m not careful or within self-containing stages, this becomes a form of compensation.   This sucks of course because then I feel I have to workout harder throughout the week.

I’ am positively sure I have a classic case of some type of eating disorder, no matter how minuscule it may seem.  But I may have been avoiding it.  They say being a woman in the Western culture heightens this classic case.   Sighs.   I hate thinking about even becoming a statistic.  For all I know it’s all genetics as plenty of things are.  I know how it runs deep in my blood to have all sorts of disorders from mental to emotional…

To be continued…


Phases Of Eating

Over the months, for a little more then half a year I’ve gone through so many different cycles with eating that I should win an award for “best nutrition-emotional-roller-coaster EVER.”

Now I knew the nutrition thing was going to be tough.  But I couldn’t imagine it being as tough as how I’ve been creating it for myself.  My phases have started from restricted calories, being perfect and never going over not by one number of my calories.  I’ve dipped below my calories quite a few times barely making it to 1500 or 1600 for 2 months.

I went through the phase of watching everything I was doing when eating and not eating.  I engage in this behavior for so long it was to the point where I wouldn’t bother going out to diners or restaurants with my closest people in my circle.

I went through the phase of only eating bars.  Substituting protein bars for every solid meal.  And what wind up happening during this phase is feeling weak, fatigue, running on auto-pilot, damaging my energy, continuing through my intense workouts with pounding headaches, close to passing out.  Once I dropped my wallet in Duane Reade while waiting on line and didn’t realize it until the cashier was kindly enough to point it out to me!  I remember that day clearly, I just finished going through another intense workout with no fuel and close to puking.  By the time I went to Duane Reade I was just zone out in a tiredness I’ve never felt in my life. And I guess, during this phase I realize that bars aren’t food and it doesn’t really assist me in much.

I finally reverted back to food.  But by this time I wasn’t having any cravings. I was only having 1 cheat day or cheat meal and it wasn’t enough, so I thought.  But I was paranoid and being Little Miss Perfect and I wouldn’t do anything to compromise losing half a lb or a full lb a week.

Deep down for me, all this was sweet torture.  I found that not having cravings is a horrible thing.  Cravings are normal.  And with food, people should have them.  They put you in balance.  They make you healthy.  So what happens when you have no cravings?

In my case, when I decided to throw out the restricted calorie diet for an entire month during the summertime (July), not only did I gain 4lbs I lost! But I kept binging on food.  I would stock up on eating like I was going to hibernate.  I wasn’t enjoying what I was eating by this time.  (I’m scared to enjoy food.)  I was only eating to eat.  And with no cravings, when do you know when it’s time to stop eating?  There is no greater force above you!  It’s all in your control.  All mine.

I’m going through another phase.  And this phase is not wanting to eat at all.  I still don’t have any have cravings.  But no food is appetizing to me at all. (There is one exception:  Magnolia Bakery.  Due to not having pastries, cakes and pies all my life.  So it’s interesting that I enjoy this.)  I don’t even enjoy my favorite fast food:  White Castle.  Not pizza.  Not pasta.  No tacos.  No rice and beans.  Absolutely nothing!  So why should I eat?  What’s the point?  I’m tired of eating anyways.  I feel like food and calories are all the enemy.  I have no idea how all of this have accumulated in the mere 8 months.

And to make matters worse, for me, I’ve plateau under a nutritionist watch for the past 4 months.  She failed me consistently.  She knew my intensity at which I worked but told me I needed 1700 calories a day.  Meanwhile one of my training sessions burns anywhere from 700-1300 during a 4-5 x a week regimen.

So yes, I”m frustrated and want to throw everything that involves nutrition out the window.  And besides all the balance, all the chemistry work in my body, the metabolism..I really find no point of eating anymore.

Sounds like I need some help…