Tag Archives: Physically

Hiding Out


image

I stayed indoors with my fears of falling again and re-injuring or injuring a new body part of mine. I stayed indoors because I live in New York City where the people are wild with busy bodies. I stayed indoors because I realized quickly that the world outside is definitely “lack of movement friendly.” I stayed indoors because it was better than dealing with the antics of and lack of wheelchair or crutch accessibility. I was much safer being in the house, safer being away from obstacles that would love nothing more but to come and test me.

During the moments of going out into the world, I watched and lingered with my eyes on people’s ability to move, walk, jog, sit, jump, ride a skateboard and dance. It looks easy – using two legs to perform. Everything is easier. I wonder, if they understand how awesome it is to be able to move so freely in the world of rapid movement.

I wonder, how many of them were grateful.  Or how many of them like me never even pregnant a thought of having their ankle mobility and such taken away for a limited of time. So, I miss being able to use my ankle in various ways in a very mobile friendly world.

Moving on – everyone has a habit of wanting to tell you what to do with your life and they even go as far as to give unsolicited advice many times because everyone whose not you has the solution to everything, including your broken/displaced ankle. Imagine when all kinds of people – relatives, registered nurses who are connected to friends and the surgeon want to chime in on my life and what decisions I should be making and why I should do this or that.

There were quite a few people who were against me and my obtaining a wheelchair. They said it will limit my body use and I’ll lose my muscles at a quicker rate, not to mention stall the healing of my ankle. I got a wheelchair anyway because this is MY life, not theirs. And if these people have never had the pleasure and interesting experience of learning how to use crutches and over long distance (or have a built-in mental fear of using crutches), well, why the FUCK would I listen to them for?

To rewind a little, from the emergency I was given lots of pain medication and they practically threw the crutches into my lap like another useless perscription of sort without instructing me on how to use my brand new legs. Did this build my confidence level with crutches? And was it supposed to? I think absolutely fucking not!

Towards the ending when I was heading out the emergency room it was time for my body to vomit it’s organs, raging anger and maniac depression out. I was outside (thankfully with a good friend) at 4am from the cab ride home to the concrete of what was going to be my new place of stay – vomiting and vomiting and vomiting and vomiting. I thought about people who used heavy drugs and why? I thought about why was I going through this and than quickly thought: Why ask why?

It took me 30 minutes to get inside the apartment, due to my drugged-ness of medication and learning how to use crutches for the very first time. The feeling of illness, nausea, pain in my foot, vomiting every few crutch-steps, along with a crackhead up my ass telling me a home remedy consisting of soaking my foot in butter and sugar – while trying to balance from the extreme dizziness I felt and eyeing the ground for immediate cracks on the floor at 4am was one of the hardest things to do in my life. I still don’t know how the fuck I made it into the elevator or into the abode.

The same week, a few days later, I felt froggy and decided on going to hang out with a friend of mine like we do every Friday. The only catch was using crutches. (I didn’t even think about getting a wheelchair yet and the thought of staying indoors seemed very depressing.) It didn’t hit me until I got to the lobby where I actually felt frightened – as frightened as the first day of kindergarten: Was I going to fall? How long will it take me to go to his car from the building (which is a 40 second walk) with these crutches? Am I sure I want to do this? I allowed myself to feel the panic. I digested it and braved on. It took roughly 10 minutes.

Mentally I was completely helpless. I felt powerless, which triggered humiliation, shame and pure embarrassment. Note: This doesn’t mean I look at people who use crutches or a wheelchair and say to myself, “They should feel humiliated.” This is what I feel personally. This is my experience. And those 10 minutes felt long. I lowered my head in defeat, and when people asked me if I needed help – I smiled half ass and unconvincingly. I was drowning, fatigued. I had to stop short every 5 crutch-step. It was enough and still is enough to use a wheelchair when necessary, especially when I’m going the distance and/or shopping.

I’m not above using a wheelchair at the moment and I don’t see why I should be. Why can’t I make things easy for me when I need it now the most? Why do I have to abuse myself physically even when I have a broken bone that needs to fuse together and heal? I physically abuse myself when I go to the gym and weightlift for hours during the week. (This doesn’t include cardio or stretching work.) I easily put in 10 hours or more at the gym a week. This doesn’t include workouts at home or how much I walk the city streets for extra mileage and to boost my metabolism whenever I can.

I also know, unlike most people I don’t have a problem with inactivity. I have the opposite problem – where I need to learn and force my hand for when my body, central nervous system or mind needs a day off from the gym. So when it’s time to bounce back, I’m going to put in 100% because I have a wonderful gym mentality and like a dear friend who reads my blog has stated to me, “You want it more than most.” And I do. And I’ve already proven this to my motherfuckin self for a decade with weightlifting.

So, excuse me if I want a fucking wheelchair. Excuse me, if for the moment that I believe it’s necessary to take a moment out, to relax, to say, “Hey, it’s alright to take it easy because it’s important right now.” I’ve given myself permission and fuck what anyone else thinks. Who likes hopping or swinging on one leg? This is my life. Fuck everybody else!

I write this, just in case someone else is questioning whether they should use a wheelchair at any point in time for their fibula fracture when they need it because people couldn’t mind their fucking business and you may doubt yourself. Just because you’re young and not obese doesn’t mean you don’t have a right to use a wheelchair. It’s your life, your business, your prerogative. Fuck everybody else and their shameless opinions. They don’t know you or what you’re going through. They get NO say! You have my permission. 🙂

Pretty soon I’ll be hopeful in not needing to spend money on cabs like I’m made out of trees or hold my heavy leg up during the cab ride because New York City and their infamous potholes hurt! I’ll be hopeful to not have to base a decision at the whim of a day or night – trying to figure out if I can be fundamentally happy where I nap and put the world and my ankle to sleep, so I don’t wallow in pain or depression. I’ll be hopeful about the near future where I don’t have to pick something off the floor in trembling balance and any sign of dog toys or sneakers on the floor won’t instill fear in me.

-Pennington

Advertisements

Triangles, Love & Questions


670px-Handle-Being-In-Love-With-Two-People-Step-5

I never had been the type to question myself as much as I do now, now that I’m older and fitting better appropriately to myself each year like a leather glove.  It’s like I want to trip over some imaginary line made out of confusion.  I’m unsure why?  Except that this might have to do with the fact that I’m human?  Still for the life of me I became faithful to writing on paper four simple words (and then some at the age of twelve) “life is too concise” to idly wait and not commit to a straight decision.

I miss the days of being cutthroat, of actually not giving a fuck here and there and in whatever which way.

I’ve always had a fascination with the shapes of triangles that come in the forms of love & romance.  So much so I seek out television shows and novels that have these captivating triangles to suck me in along with my entire will.  So much so that once again I find myself in the middle of two great men.  One is Golden Prince also known as my Partner in Crime who I’ve been in a relationship with for a decade.  Five of those years have been exclusive and completely for him.  The next five years I’ve been dating openly on and off.

The other is Dark Knight also known as the biggest crush I’ve had in the time I’ve existed on this planet.  One year later I finally got him in an odd (but not really) way of how the circle of season came around fully to form and solidify a ring, to deepen the bond that took place long ago.  We’re currently riding the wave of new.  However he comes with his own triangle and he’s in the middle of me and his live-in girlfriend of nearly a decade.

Generally speaking I always want my cake and to be able to eat it too.  (Nevertheless I play fair.)  Golden Prince has allowed me to do both and for this I’m forever grateful.  He’s the first man I’ve ever truly love and I fell in love with him at first sight 10 years ago.  He has my heart and over the decade I’ve been loyal to him in every single way possible (for you monogamous people, well, every way except in this manner at certain times).

Golden Prince can no longer deal with the fact that I’m dating other people and rightfully so being he wants a closed relationship.  I wouldn’t ask him to stay and I don’t expect him to.  I did tell him he could date other people (he refuses).  But more importantly I don’t lie to him and I keep him up to date about everything even when it pains him and in return affects me even when it comes to subtle or not-so-subtle forms of punishment.  The truth is we are at the point where things are unhealthy for the both of us mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  He has lashed out and has poisoned whatever newly found happiness I’ve enjoyed.

It’s already been stated many times how I’m not ready to be monogamous yet (if ever) again.  Now I’m on this journey with Dark Knight and I take all types of pleasure in it very much (although subject to change because we’re still beginning).  But I haven’t given thought to even being monogamous to Knight.  Although we are officially dating.  Aside from this this is far from the whole story but these questions remain and are what follow:  How do I give up my love of 10 years?  Am I making the worst decision of my life?  Continuing to have my cake while the man I devoted a part of my lifetime to slips away in the background?

I’m unable to think clearly because I’ve been restricting my thoughts and time and feelings because I don’t want to prolong the hurt of Golden Prince.  (Yes, he reads my Blogs and Twitter.)  As of right now I can’t tell if I’m actually falling for Dark Knight although I sense a fullness of positivity, bliss, love and satisfaction for my life nowadays.  I’m questioning if it’s even possible to emotionally and mentally love two people at once?  I believe you can physically/sexually love a variety of people. But to be in love with two people at once, is this possible (aside from bearing children)?

In actuality if Golden Prince would stay and allow himself to continue being with me in a nonexclusive relationship I would continue to be devoted and loyal as I’ve always been.  I’d be monogamous in an unconventional way, but monogamous nonetheless because this is what I’ve been doing for the past 5 years now.  (I only date when someone peaks my interest.)  To make it clear I am not choosing Dark Knight over Golden Prince and I’ve even expressed this to Knight since he also knows my situation.  And although I never want to walk away, it seems Golden Prince is taking the leap and being the bigger person to sacrifice our love so my current happiness can be worthwhile.

I mean, how could I not love him?  How could anyone walk away from someone so rare and special?  Regardless of the innumerable resentments, immaturity, lack of life perspective/experience and differences we have and share collectively and individually?

On the flip side:  I feel like maybe this is life’s way of saying that perhaps this decade should move on and if we really are meant to be the universe itself will know exactly what to do to bring us back together again because everything comes full circle.  I believe one of the truths also is none of us knows how to let the other go.

Signing off, Pennington.