The internal struggle is real. So I believe, within my struggle. For months I’ve been battling and fighting and influencing and along the way I’ve made some mistakes all the while raising my head as lofty as the Statue of Liberty. Only to get fired by the place in which I worked for over 5 years. It’s finalized and it’s severed and within it’s severance I’ve learned many different things to the parts of a story.
Like for one, being in denial of how one really feels about any given situation. How does one center themselves in the midst of what they truly don’t want to consider because they suppose that actually feeling within the moment will turn to perpetual weakness? Or how much of what we do in the present and future stems from our past childhoods? For example: I cringe at unfairness and this is derived from being treated unfairly as a child.
Moving on if you follow the series of my thoughts: Perhaps it’s better and clever to give an oath to being silent and perform character assassination rather than stand up with pride on your side and give your two cents on how to resolve operations or how to fix the unfairness in the face of favoritism and being human?
It seems that silence is golden and silence is taken more seriously and silence is safe and silence means that one day when you finally decide to speak up that somebody may listen to you attentively with one head tilted to the right the way they used to when they stopped listening because you’ve opened your mouth too much but only because it was encouraged. But perhaps they encouraged for manipulative reasons?
Or maybe it’s ridiculous to believe that an idealist can be practical in the world of business and where realism is concern, that there isn’t a place for such majestic and honest principles?
Perhaps it’s better to turn the other way and remain silent and follow the herd because being a leader means standing alone and standing alone means everyone is against you at a certain point in time because they lack the courage you have because they don’t have a big bite or enough fight because they wouldn’t put their job on the line like you would.
I sit here drinking my Psyllium Husk and my mind comes to life as any old night bird does with the usual nocturnal attention and I’m coming out to say don’t we all own stupid thoughts? There are many moments where I’m not proud, more so, than I am when it comes to views particularly of the narrow-minded kind.
Looks are very deceiving and we aren’t supposed to judge the covers of books. But this doesn’t mean we do what’s practical on a regular basis either. I see it everyday working in the gym, people buying personal training sessions with the trainer who’s displaying the best body and with the trainer who exudes the most confidence and strength of mind. And everyone’s guilty of it, sadly including me. I know better but I’m not immune to being stupid or tragically impractical or human.
I put people with muscles on a high pedestal. I know one reason is because it’s a reflection upon me. So I work day in and day out for muscle gains and within the process many ask why I lift? There have been times where I’ve even changed doctors because they were too busy trying to convince me that cardio wouldn’t continue to injure or inflame my tendons like lifting does. When in reality I lift because it’s a state of mind. I lift because it empowers me. It builds me. It’s therapy. It’s love. It’s home sweet home. It’s bliss. It’s being in the present moment. Lifting involves many different aspects to and for me. But the main significance of lifting means it’s here to perpetually keep me strong mentally and emotionally.
Now when I see other people with hard-earned muscles or working towards blood, sweat, diet and tears to get those sculpted high-end muscles, I think to myself, “Man they must be really strong mentally and emotionally.” But many times to my vast disappointment many human beings aren’t either. Or maybe they’re strong mentally but not emotionally or vice versa. Yet the truth is everyone has their own personal reasons as to why they lift and are doing anything in their power to increase muscle.
It’s almost as if I want to believe these people are carved from the same mind as me just because lifting is our familiar source. I make the fatal mistake (and in the process deceive myself) that they’re able to separate feelings from practical thoughts, able to comprehend emotional intelligence and know how to apply it to everyday life and the list unfortunately can go on and on. See, I strongly want to believe we have this and more in common.
But I’m disillusioned because appearances are misleading, because I live in a superficial culture, because I’m part of that superficial culture, because I’m part narcissistic, because I’m tricking myself, because it’s a reflection upon me and I’m speaking and looking from my perspective because for a thousand and one reasons I have a small brain every so often like tonight.