Triangles, Love & Questions


I never had been the type to question myself as much as I do now, now that I’m older and fitting better appropriately to myself each year like a leather glove.  It’s like I want to trip over some imaginary line made out of confusion.  I’m unsure why?  Except that this might have to do with the fact that I’m human?  Still for the life of me I became faithful to writing on paper four simple words (and then some at the age of twelve) “life is too concise” to idly wait and not commit to a straight decision.

I miss the days of being cutthroat, of actually not giving a fuck here and there and in whatever which way.

I’ve always had a fascination with the shapes of triangles that come in the forms of love & romance.  So much so I seek out television shows and novels that have these captivating triangles to suck me in along with my entire will.  So much so that once again I find myself in the middle of two great men.  One is Golden Prince also known as my Partner in Crime who I’ve been in a relationship with for a decade.  Five of those years have been exclusive and completely for him.  The next five years I’ve been dating openly on and off.

The other is Dark Knight also known as the biggest crush I’ve had in the time I’ve existed on this planet.  One year later I finally got him in an odd (but not really) way of how the circle of season came around fully to form and solidify a ring, to deepen the bond that took place long ago.  We’re currently riding the wave of new.  However he comes with his own triangle and he’s in the middle of me and his live-in girlfriend of nearly a decade.

Generally speaking I always want my cake and to be able to eat it too.  (Nevertheless I play fair.)  Golden Prince has allowed me to do both and for this I’m forever grateful.  He’s the first man I’ve ever truly love and I fell in love with him at first sight 10 years ago.  He has my heart and over the decade I’ve been loyal to him in every single way possible (for you monogamous people, well, every way except in this manner at certain times).

Golden Prince can no longer deal with the fact that I’m dating other people and rightfully so being he wants a closed relationship.  I wouldn’t ask him to stay and I don’t expect him to.  I did tell him he could date other people (he refuses).  But more importantly I don’t lie to him and I keep him up to date about everything even when it pains him and in return affects me even when it comes to subtle or not-so-subtle forms of punishment.  The truth is we are at the point where things are unhealthy for the both of us mentally, emotionally and spiritually.  He has lashed out and has poisoned whatever newly found happiness I’ve enjoyed.

It’s already been stated many times how I’m not ready to be monogamous yet (if ever) again.  Now I’m on this journey with Dark Knight and I take all types of pleasure in it very much (although subject to change because we’re still beginning).  But I haven’t given thought to even being monogamous to Knight.  Although we are officially dating.  Aside from this this is far from the whole story but these questions remain and are what follow:  How do I give up my love of 10 years?  Am I making the worst decision of my life?  Continuing to have my cake while the man I devoted a part of my lifetime to slips away in the background?

I’m unable to think clearly because I’ve been restricting my thoughts and time and feelings because I don’t want to prolong the hurt of Golden Prince.  (Yes, he reads my Blogs and Twitter.)  As of right now I can’t tell if I’m actually falling for Dark Knight although I sense a fullness of positivity, bliss, love and satisfaction for my life nowadays.  I’m questioning if it’s even possible to emotionally and mentally love two people at once?  I believe you can physically/sexually love a variety of people. But to be in love with two people at once, is this possible (aside from bearing children)?

In actuality if Golden Prince would stay and allow himself to continue being with me in a nonexclusive relationship I would continue to be devoted and loyal as I’ve always been.  I’d be monogamous in an unconventional way, but monogamous nonetheless because this is what I’ve been doing for the past 5 years now.  (I only date when someone peaks my interest.)  To make it clear I am not choosing Dark Knight over Golden Prince and I’ve even expressed this to Knight since he also knows my situation.  And although I never want to walk away, it seems Golden Prince is taking the leap and being the bigger person to sacrifice our love so my current happiness can be worthwhile.

I mean, how could I not love him?  How could anyone walk away from someone so rare and special?  Regardless of the innumerable resentments, immaturity, lack of life perspective/experience and differences we have and share collectively and individually?

On the flip side:  I feel like maybe this is life’s way of saying that perhaps this decade should move on and if we really are meant to be the universe itself will know exactly what to do to bring us back together again because everything comes full circle.  I believe one of the truths also is none of us knows how to let the other go.

Signing off, Pennington.

Middle Design


We’d hangout every Saturday and Sunday evening making love to the steel plates, machines and barbells in the weight room. We’d give it all we got with our energy breaths, backbone and fervor and didn’t let up until hours later when it was autumn, cold, dark and the night fell full of empty heart.

We’d paused and lingered on one another between sets and smile like we owned the sun and I’d look up to your grace like an anchoring giant sitting in the middle of my heart’s desire and listened to your persistent sermons. Off onto the bus heading home crosstown I’d praised existence and its happiness all the sudden and turn my face away from the other passengers whenever I’d feel sullen about us.

I’d watch you watch me and you watched me watch you just like a crowd yet we were always at an extended distance with actions that were never to be spoken out and about. I’d wait around for you and asked if this is what you’d also wanted after I finished my exhaustive workout. You’d invite me into the locker room and performed a routine: mixing supplements, shaking your protein and layering up in clothing to either hide your muscles or create the illusion of bigger ones?

You have a knack for bringing up deep thoughts and heavy conversations when you flowed out of yourself like when you mentioned your father being murdered and how you only have one memory of him. I thought to myself, only you would know how to make the time in between grim and pick it up at a whim with a crafty grin.

But I’d remain silent, analyzing, hands folded, wondering why you’d come out the blue with these aching stories. Were you trying to test my comfort abilities? Or was this an unusual way of letting me know I’d be in the friend zone? If so, answer me please, so I can duly note it.

Remember when you asked me if I’m a patient person.
I do, and I’m sure you had a motive.


Mammoth Crush: The Girl In Me 2

Link 1

There has been countless times where I’ve felt guilty as fuck and couldn’t understand whether I love to fall into his girlfriend’s smile?  Or if I craved to crack her lips to make it go away?  Or punch myself in the face to assist in the erasing of every single corkscrew of a feeling dismayed?  How many times have I felt helpless, backing into a memory triggered and I was where they were, blessed and swayed?  My only intention was being within the same exact space he was in so I could inhale the same breath as he while my armor fell to the ground pressed and unafraid. 

..Stupid.  Oh so stupid!…

Anxiety twisted its daggers and rattled my nerves in the dark pits of my belly over what they do not know.. how I feel.  Except I have good reason to believe different say the times where I blurted real statements that were shrouded by the fact that liquor and barhopping was involved in spontaneity appeal.

I’ve created fantasies by the fortune of a big wheel by what I’ve seen with my own eyes (which may be just as deceiving as a parent’s love and affection for an only child) trying my best not to strain the muscle to my sight when I looked over their pictures and how it hit me thunderous quick like a jab snapped from the words of ancient scripture.  I see an amazing couple who meshes well like calm water into calmer pitcher.  They must have it great like the cheerful sun making love to the sky or how the moon melts it’s glow into the night.   But what do I know since I could only view what the grass smells and tastes like from the other side? 

I caught myself lost in the moment of what I perceive to be fact by obsessing over the imagined. 

They love each other and display it like fashion.  I watch and it makes me sick with backbiting spasms like once where I examined everything one evening at their studio apartment celebrating a party completely disarming, until I saw their bed and I envisioned them cuddling and making sweet love charming.  I plummeted without words or expressions ill to my stomach.  Mostly by the summit of how I actually felt about him.  And why do I feel this way about him?  It’s strong like the religion of gym. 

Sick as I was with an ex lover of mine to get closer to him.  Sick because I pretended to be friends with everyone in the circle to be closer to him.  Sick to my stomach on how it makes me sick to begin with.  I seethe and my heart breaks momentarily wishing I weren’t smart enough to know what feelings meant, just before I come around and snap into my senses again.   FUCK THEM!


Side note:  I dislike doing continuations to a past entry because it’s hard to be in the same exact moment with the same amount of inspiration as I felt during which and when I first created the post.  If part 2 has disappointed you as it has me to a certain degree, the sentence before this one may have had a lot to do with it.  Thanks for reading. 🙂

In Love (With What)?

I’m in love with the idea of love.
I’m in love with what I’m unaware of.
I’m in love with the fascination
Of illusion, your flaxen enchanting mystery.
I’m in love with the little history
I’ve come across:  You, a gypsy
Moving across countries
Like the commencing of first-graders
Belching out the alphabet line.
I’m in love with taboo of crime.
I’m in love with every finger you point.
In love with every smile of loin you throw.
I’m in love with every invitation,
No matter the trivial circumstance
Of a friend’s circle gone awry.
I’m in love with each hello and every good-bye.
I’m in love with your frivolous romance
Between you and your significant other.
I’m in love with knowing your horoscope sign,
In love that I share the same one and the
Common decree of being a magnificent lover.
I’m in love with the thought and air
Of remaining close, a die-hard undercover.