Tag Archives: Weight gain

Under Constant Consideration


I sit and prick my finger with the thinnest needle I’ve ever seen.  It feels as thin as a loose-leaf page between my fingers.  This needle reminds me of the first time I tried to grasp what was taking place on the table after I let the alcohol dry and stomach lbs of anxiety to push a simple white surrender button that has no problem piercing me at its own inorganic intention.  That bee-stinger reminds me of my family’s hang ups every time I glance over the medical history list and check off every sick inheritance.  It’s one more thing to put on the death record.  The son of a bitch needle reminds me of where my life has been and where it’s going.

I think about who I’m becoming?  I think about the coincidences that tie into another coincidence like a necklace and how I never believe much in coincidences or in necklaces that are meant to break with the purpose and strange intent to try and shake up my faith.  I believe in life’s orchestration and in every gift given by higher sources.  I think about my faith, motivation and temperament.  How much fight I have in me?  How to keep positive mantras by the altar of my heart and how to deal them out as needed, as well as how to go about feeding my spiritual backyard with water when it’s looking dry as a bone due to inner turmoil.

The small round dot of red reminds me of a ladybug.  I believe the ladybug is searching for answers life can’t always give while I’m still breathing, punching and kicking alive.  The ladybug is on a quest for numbers in low ranges and metabolic disorders to be of order.  I’m checking my blood sugar, but I call her ladybug because it verbally and visually sounds prettier than the faults I hold as a human.  The New Year brought me diabetes and I’m not sure how to feel about this progressive disease that had a lot to do with taking my mother’s life.

What does the bigger picture hold?


The surgeon says, “Are you aware diabetes further affects the ligaments.tendons in your foot and how your foot heals from surgery?”  I don’t take advice from anyone who butchers human bodies for a living because even though what they do for a living can be helpful, there’s something inhumane about cutting into human bodies.  Let alone, the discord for why surgeons lack brainpower, logic sense, human emotion and emotional intelligence.  I can’t tell you the countless times I’ve been in his cold office and every single time I’ve felt like I was touched and centered by a black-hole; the entire light of my thirty-something being vanish in a space where I was beginning to be invisible to myself.

Then there’s my primary doctor who’s younger than I and mentally more fucked than I am says it’s in the controlled phase, don’t worry so much she blurts carelessly.  Is she telling the 29 million Americans with diabetes not to worry too?  Yet in the same session casually mentions how her supervisor said you would be a good candidate for bypass surgery as if I resemble a hippopotamus of sort.  Anyone who hacks into human bodies for a living with a scalpel is god-awful fucking people.  No thank you I know how to lose weight on my own even though these gargoyles of depression won’t get off my shoulders and every painful step and every stretch of my Achilles heel is a partial reminder where the mess of my life went awry.

So I asked for a referral to see the endocrinologist, which took me a year plus to get because I didn’t become a candidate until the diabetes clock decided to tick its way in because a 40lb weight gain in a 2 year span doesn’t constitute as a person having a real problem other than depression or hatred in America.  So, do I consider the diabetes to be a blessing in disguise? Well, I certainly believe it came on time!

Now Dr. Endocrinologist doesn’t dish any hope at all, but he talked openly about his country, how poor he was as a kid and how he’d go hungry and learned the power of discipline through starvation unlike the Americans who have every convenience and option rolled out for them like a red carpet.  He went on to say I know I’ll get diabetes eventually because it’s hereditary, but I do my best to prevent it by not eating all the wonderful fatty and carby things I would love to eat now.  Then he wrapped up with a spiel of willpower and the difficulty most people have when it comes to willpower.  And I kept looking at him, like do you know who the fuck I am?  Then I realized no this is your first meeting and he talks like his because he doesn’t know me from a hole in the wall, so I don’t hold his appalling lecture personally.

He goes on to say 50% of your pancreas is shot and will never work the way it once did.  Then right away I felt like a dying tulip on the side of neglected roadkill sitting on the thought of my pancreas dying a whole ten years prior according to him.  The only thing I did agree with is the way his eyes lit up with sinful fire as he said, “What is wrong with your primary doctor?  It’s crazy for her to mention bypass surgery for 3 reasons: 1. That’s not a solution.  2.  Most people lose 50% of their weight the first year, but gain it ALL back because most people aren’t disciplined. 3.  You don’t even know the basics of endocrinology.

To be continued..


The Up’s & Down’s of Losing Weight (A Personal Story)

Most people have them: Chubb and fat photos.

There are also exceptions to the rule like those hardgainers who in all life couldn’t gain weight or an ounce of  muscle to spare their fucking life. And so they break their backs (just like the Fitness Enthusiasts/Bodybuilders) with headaches, sacrifice, blood, sweat and tears training hard! They eat trucks and cars for breakfast and dinner and wrestle gorillas so that when they take brand new photos: They’re fucking legit! 😉

Well I had a normal childhood in terms of Bodyweight. (I don’t possess a scanner, otherwise I would post a photo of what I call then the luxury body.) I grew up with the luxury of being what I call “Skinny” or to what others deem the perfect 120lb body. In some cultures like the  Spanish Community I tell you we love full-figured curves. So putting on jeans at this Skinny weight always left me hella self-conscious. I was peer pressured lots to dress like some sort of female, especially when I went out clubbing with the girls and I dreaded my Skinny Legs. I thought everyone was looking at them. But they were really just looking at my tits. LoL!

However having this 120 body at the time wasn’t something I strove to have. Tis was the life of being a picky eater with a virginized never hit cultured tongue. Tis was the life of having a what you call youngin-metabolism. Tis was the life of being naive and having sex 5-8 times a day because it was new to me. I didn’t cherish my pussy or esteem well.. plus I wanted to spite the shit out of my mother. Fabulous times!

I didn’t start gaining weight til I was 21 years old. By 22 years of age I checked myself out in a mirror one day and couldn’t fucking believe what I saw! *faints* I had no mirrors in the apartment at the time (living with my boyfriend) period! That was my first mistake. I knew something was strange when I couldn’t wear my jewelry around my sausage fingers anymore. I also knew something was type odd when I would bend down to pick something off the floor and my own skin (fat) would pinch me.

Subconsciously I knew I was fat and I was in denial said all the long skirts I so happen to wear out on evenings. And I couldn’t walk 2 blocks without my ankles bothering the hell out of me, not to mention the shin splits JUST FORM FUCKING WALKING! Poor body! And don’t get me started on the constant water retention during the Summer time. Not fucking fun! Oh and the best part was that my thunder thighs and big ass had all the Black men lining up as if I were the spectacle of the NBA. Fabulous times! ><

How did the weight gain happen?

Easy! I was in a horrible, depressive and dreadful relationship for roughly 3 years of my newly fresh out of the nineteen life and over into twenty. I knew we were going to have problems with diet because this guy ate mounds of food all day long. We would dine 4-6 times a day all around the city. I’m talking about eat anything from Malaysian to Italian.  We would get high, get the munchies and rack up on foods in the middle of the night as if we’re having a contest on who can eat the most! During the time I didn’t know any better as to why women couldn’t eat the same amount of food a hefty bear man could eat and expect to remain the same weight. (Another reason to hate the biology makeup of men!)

What was the first thing that sparked me to change my weight?

I went for a doctor visit, took my physical exam, waited for the results and found out I was PRE-DIABETIC! Instantly, like in a blink of an eye I saw my entire obese aunts, uncles, cousins, mother and brother (til I helped him shed lbs and gain muscle) and in two words said: FUCK THIS! After that I went to a free nutritionist who gave me poor advice (free = poor advice), but I used it to my advantage, did some research myself and dropped 34lbs in 6 months.

How did I do that? It was called under-eating (1600) and massive amounts of cardio work for 5-6 times a week, not including 2-3 more sessions of working out at home. Plus I deprived myself to no end. Never touching one chip or a cookie. So, what happened? I put the weight right back on. See because during the time I still didn’t understand the word: Lifestyle! I resorted right back to my old ways of eating.

More Great News!

Another doctor visit: My tests showed my thyroid’s meant to be underactive. Now, could you imagine how discouraged I felt after this? First I piled the weight back on and NOW THIS SHIT! She gave me a purple pill and told me “this is the solution to your problem.” BULLSHIT! The pill helped ZERO! The rest I did on my own! By this time 2005-2006 I was working for a gym, personal training. I decided to get into this field after I helped my brother shed massive weight/fat from an astounding 300lbs to a healthy confident 230lbs of rock solid muscle. Of course now he’s embedded to me forever! 😉

I wanted to be on my A-game and show people that, “If I can do it, you can do it too.” So I lost weight again. Quite quickly! (I love putting in the physical work!) At this point of my Life I was starting to feel like the yo-yoing of Janet Jackson. Now I can keep going on the subject, but for now Bodybuilding ~Bodysculpting is my thing! Also let it be known that I train hard, diet (hard on~off~on~off) and I don’t take that goddamn pill!

And it’s an endless struggle still for reasons known and unknown. But it’s a fabulous thing that I love me challenges to begin with. It keeps me on my toes, as it should you.